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+2
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I’m going to publish this even though it’s embarrassing.
So here I am at almost 52 and I’m alone. The phone hasn’t rang all weekend. I can’t think of anyone to call. I don’t really have any friends that I’d like to just go for coffee with. I’m anxious and lonely and bored. I could go for the quick fix of spending money (I have very little and that would be stupid) or get some beer and change my mood (also stupid considering that I’m a recovering alcoholic) or play farmville on facebook but that’s getting very old.

I’m actually happy to be living alone but don’t really like existing alone in the world. I’d like a group of friends and maybe even a date here and there.  

I rarely go anywhere to meet people. I used to go to bars but that’s pretty much out.  

Damnit, I’m just f———lonely and I hate it. What’s worse is that my memory is starting to go. I have the hardest time remembering anything. Even during conversations that I find interesting, I have a very hard time remembering words to describe my thoughts or feelings. I can’t spell anymore. I never, ever remember where I’ve parked when I go shopping. I repeat myself so much that my daughter gets frustrated with me. She says I’ve told her things and I don’t have the slightest memory of it. I forget important things at work. I can’t get through a day without lists and I MUST place the lists where I’ll see them constantly. I used to put lists in my pocket and I’d remember to check them. I can’t do that anymore.
My aunt had early onset alzhiemers beginning at about my age. It was the very same with her and I’m afraid. My life has been a hard one. Abandoned as a child, raised by and evil stepmother (no kidding!), am a twin and my twin has spent most of the last 30 yrs in jail or prison, had breast cancer 13 yrs ago, moved at least 100 times since I was 18 and 3 of those have been in the last 10 yrs across the country, had my first child at 18 and his father has been absent (told me at the time that I was a nice girl and he really liked me but he didn’t want a baby, I said, “OK, I understand.” !!! What the Hell?), now my oldest doesn’t speak to me because he didn’t have his father in his life (I tried over the years to find and contact him with some success - each time he refused or even denied that he was the person I was looking for.)
I think that I need something but I don’t know what. Maybe a church? Maybe a club of some kind? Maybe a man? No. Not a man. Maybe move back to my home town? Maybe go back to school?
I work, I come home. I pay my bills. I do my laundry and clean my little apartment. I walk my dog. I rent movies and if I’m lucky, I actually stay awake long enough to watch them. I try to eat well but treat myself to junk several times a week. I smoke cigarettes and want to quit but I’m afraid - I’ve smoked for 36 yrs.
I know that I’m in the position where anything is possible, I just don’t know how to get there. I don’t know how to find what I want and I’m not even sure of what I want.
I really did think that by my age I would be settled, wise, content and no longer filled with anxiety about life in general. I’m still the same me as I was at 18 - socially retarded.

+2
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Member Comments

    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Aug 2, 2009
    • You have been through more in your life than many people and as you recount the events in your blog, I hear such clarity and strength in your words. There’s a real sense of honesty in that. Your life experience has made you strong but I know that loneliness is a seeping insideous kind of ache that goes right to the core of a person. It’s hard to get to a starting point to get out of it but once you do moving forward will get easier and momentum will build. I would suggest starting by making a list of your interests and seeing if there is a group of some type that relates where people gather. Just easing the isolation of being alone can feel better.   I was so lonely about a year ago. I’m around people a lot but since many of them are connected to my husband’s work, I felt very much alone.

      On the memory issue - is it possible that you are going through perimenopause? I know that concentration and memory problems can occur at this juncture in a woman’s life.

      You’ll find a lot of support and the feeling of friendship here. In the past year I’ve gotten so much out of being on this site, even meeting other members and forming friendships.  

      I wish you well and thank you for sharing yourself with us.



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Aug 2, 2009
    • First don't be embarrassed at all for sharing.
      I'm sorry you have had such a hard time in the past – but now you're on Fab40 and trust me you'll not be lonely – there are lots of women on here who will have shared similar experiences and it's open 24/7 so join in the blogs and posts and make friends.
      I also so suggest you join the Chatter Group and we have a blog radio show she speaks to inspire and lots of the ladies are on facebook
      Have you any hobby you have always wanted to try as there is bound to be a group or some one on here who can give you guidance



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Kathy66 wrote Aug 2, 2009
    • I absolutely agree with these 2 ladies. My heart goes out to you and I hope their words are comforting and helpful to you and for you KRN. You can also try playing some memory games to help you? Not sure but a thought happy
      Have a terrific Sunday and know that you are thought of please happy

      Sincerely,
      Kathy



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Aug 2, 2009
    • Totally understand... like a living death (that’s I call it)  Going through life mechanically.  

      It is time for you to find yourself.. it is a sign that your body is telling you “Change” is needed.  No one knows what makes you happy and perhaps you don’t either.  Best is to take a deep breath, venture out, try it, don’t like it, forget it, like it, keep doing it.  

      I have confident in you that you will be a better person VERY SOON.  PM me to talk if like.  XOXO



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Kathy66 wrote Aug 2, 2009
    • China Doll has a way of saying things in such an upbeat manner! Hope that helps you as well KRN! Kuddos to China Doll also happy
      Kathy



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lazylola wrote Aug 2, 2009
    • I agree with everything that has been said, I’m in and out of here and these women have been awesome in welcoming me. I’m here at odd hours, probably logged in 24/7 so if you ever need to chat, send me a PM.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Krnyocum wrote Aug 2, 2009
    • I’ve been in menopause for 3 yrs. When I had breast cancer it was positive for estrogen and progesterin and I cannot take hormones.
      I went through a chemically induced menopause after chemo that lasted 3 yrs. It came back and I had periods for about 6 yrs or so.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Krnyocum wrote Aug 2, 2009
    • Thank you so much to everybody. I like this place.estatic



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marie66 wrote Aug 2, 2009
    • I agree with all these ladies.. The women on Fab40 are wonderful and so caring, you have came to the right place..  

      Thank you for sharing, your not alone and you have friends here that care and will be here for you..Hope you continue to come around.. Have a great day.. Take Care..



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Coachmombabe wrote Aug 2, 2009
    • Krn, I’m so glad you are here! We are all kinds of women, from all places. There is room for you here, and there are friends here for you.  

      Life gets difficult for everyone at times. We are all pretty open about the ups and downs of our lives. We come here to seek, and offer, encouragement and friendship, with lots of grace!

      Welcome!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Janet Wooley wrote Aug 2, 2009
    • Welcome Krn,
      I am fairly new here joined in June anyway I found this place thru Facebook, I like it 100 X’s better. I was at a very low point in my life too, not the same as yours but definately a big hump for me to get over alone, these ladies ROCK. I am not kidding I found so much encouragement I did not want to log off the computer, somehow finding someone who understands and has been there makes the journey less scary. And that is exactly what I needed and these ladies reached out and loved me and encouraged me all the way thru my problems.The hard part is the asking and looks like you got that overwith, you will find friends and I say that because there are alot of special ladies here who are real and care and want to share and help out. So do what you are doing and soon you will be looking back and saying wow.....God bless.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Allinet48 wrote Aug 2, 2009
    • I noticed one of the things you do daily is walk your dog. Are there dog parks where you live? Sometimes a little smile and chitchat over a shared interest could lead to friendship-that’s what a magazine shared. My mom swears by word search puzzles, but she still calls me by my sisters name most of the time. You have been thru alot and came out on the other side OK. You are a strong person obviously. Maybe a club or class you are interested in? Stay strong.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote Aug 3, 2009
    • K it takes a lot of courage to be as open as you have on your blogs. The ladies here have shared some great thoughts with you. And as you spend more time on here you will find you are not alone. There are so many inspiring women on here who all have a story of some kind. But in the sharing of their stories (and yours) we all gain more knowledge and are more supportive and understanding. I admire your ability to be so open. Keep blogging!



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