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!http://images.fabulously40.com/uploadedimage/2627/thumbx120/hpim0703.jpg!  I could use some opinions from you ladies...and all are welcome!
I am frustrated to the max!
I don’t know exactly where to begin and am hoping that I don’t jump around too much...please just bear with me!
My husband just informed me that we are in debt. Which now makes me understand the comments that he has been making to me or to his Mom on the phone while sitting next to me.
His remarks are geared towards me and the fact that I don’t work. I have been on disability since 1998 for ms and have other problems too that have come about such as fibromyalgia, sarcoidosis, seizure disorder, asthma, and my latest medical problem is from the ms and is paralyzed intestines with loss of sphincter muscle tone. I hope that’s not too much info!!
Anyway’s...He recently (about a month ago) bought a mill that cost about $4,000.00. Which is sitting in his brother’s shop doing nothing. He won’t ask him if he can run it there until he finds his own place. He is‘nt really looking very had for a place to put it either!
I’m thinking that he should‘nt have bought the thing especially since that is what put us in debt...we have college payments for kids...hello!!!
He’s been putting me down for not working....and frankly, I feel like crap!
I wish I could, on good days I think I could, on most days I know I can’t!
Basically I feel guilty.
We’ve been married for 4 years so he knew about all of this before. The problem might be that he and his family are focused so much on money...everything is about money!
What should I do?????


Jomi, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mz. Queen wrote Nov 28, 2008
    • Dear Jomi,

        What should you do? Can be best answered by you after careful consideration of all the facts that you know. Money is always an issue in marriage sometimes it’s a monster.
      From my own experience if a spouse is trying to take care of the household in which they live after taking care of the household from whence they came it’s always a monster.

        Can we take the mill back, do we want to take the mill back? What’s more important? It’s time to prioritize.
      You two have got to talk. Please don’t allow him to make you feel guilty. As you said, “he knew about all of this before.”



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Nov 28, 2008
    • If you are receiving some kind of payment in disability
      you are contributing too.
      My situation is like in your husband’s shoe
      I get overwhelm with all the responsibilities
      and try to understand my husband’s disability
      Sometimes I b$tch and say something hurtful too
      Especially in venting to friends and family
      Yet give my hubby more guilt and instability.
      I hope you can understand
      Caregivers do not mean to be hurtful
      yet, we said things we regret.
      If you were my husband
      I beg you for forgiveness and just pull it through together
      love and communication are the key factor.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jacquie6363 wrote Nov 28, 2008
    • Jomi, all my sistas you have preceded me, have definitely brought up some good points and advise.  

      As China pointed out, the attacks are not always personal, but we do tend to lash out on those who are closer to us.  

      As Teeky ask, can this Mill be taken back or sold and 47ntired, did make a point that what to do would definitely be a decision of yours after careful consideration. This does not sound like a situation for some serious talking between the two of you, and brainstorm some type of solution.  Time for a compromise.

      The Bible states clearly, “money is the root of all evil“, but we do have the choice as to whether we will allow it to be evil or to work for the good of us.

      Talk to your husband...



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Nov 28, 2008
    • I find myself hesitating when it comes to giving advice right now, as, my “house is not in order” as it should be, financially, etc., presently.
      What comes to mind is, to keep communication open of course, to avoid arguing when possible (hopefully always), and I’m hoping the subject of selling the mill can be discussed w/o conflict.
      Money can stress the strongest person right down to the core & indeed can be the biggest monster.
      I know THAT.. Still waiting for my money tree to start growing properly in my back yard. (LOL)j/k...
      If things are getting too tense, perhaps writing him a letter explaining in detail what your points of view are & where you‘re coming from? If he isn’t hearing you, perhaps a letter would be good for him to read, maybe re-read & if it’s in front of his own eyes that way maybe might sink in & he’d understand how you view this & how you feel. ~Just an idea.
      I hope everything works out well for you.

      If things start getting really bad he can always throw that sucker on EBAY! That’s a great place to make $$.

      I’ve cut corners in my own home recently by getting rid of a car payment and cable/house phone. It sucks but, these days~ You gotta do what you gotta do to keep your roof over your head.
      Opinion wise, it’s simply unacceptable to put someone down for not working becaause they are unable to. no one asks to be in that position. Sending a boot to kick him in his A** with. ;) You can borrow MY foot! lol
      If you ever need to talk, feel free to contact me anytime.
      Hugs!!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Almostfive0 wrote Nov 28, 2008
    • Jomi,
      I am sorry that you are going through yet another challenge on top of all the other ones you must deal with on a daily basis.

      I know what it’s like to feel guilty about not contributing financially in a marriage. Like Chinadoll said sometimes the one that is carrying more of the load “financially” may say things out of frustration which only makes things worse.

      You and your husband need to have a serious discussion about, number one, your finances and two about how he communicates his feelings to you.
      As Teeky suggested you can both think of ways that you can cut back on some things and definitely about the mill.
      What is his plans for it?
      And you are disabled. Are you getting disability?...then you are contributing.
      Is there anything that you can do from home that would bring in additional income? I ask this not so much for him but for your own self esteem.
      Don’t let his frustrations make you feel less than. Let him know that your feelings are just as important than his.
      I pray everything works all for the good of all concerned.
      Carol



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Nov 28, 2008
    • This may not be anything you’d be interested in, but, I used to have a Mary Kay website & a few recruits under me. The work was done via telephone/internet & UPS. I made $ while I slept. The commission checks were always a nice suprise.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jomi wrote Nov 28, 2008
    • !http://images.fabulously40.com/uploadedimage/2627/thumbx120/hpim0703.jpg!  You guys are all so sweet!  Chinadoll, I understand that he might be frustrated and not mean it...but it’s been a few weeks.
      Jenz41, I used to sell Mary Kay..I was good at it and I loved it. I miss it so much! When I did sell it, i did‘nt start with any inventory,so I basically bought more with the money I got....I never got to the poin tof making money..I was afraid it would affect my disabiity. Dave has already stated he won’t give me money to get the inventory now...I brought up selling MK again about 2 weeks ago.
      The mill was bought without any discussion...I guess because he thought he would be running it to make extra money and he loves that kind of work. The problem is that he does‘nt see that that is exactly what put us in debt!
      He does‘nt like to discuss money with me. He’s in charge!
      I was asking about going christmas shopping and that is how I found out how far in debt we are. I don’t care if we don’t exchange gifts, but I would like to get the kids something.
      Oh and yes, he said we are going to have to get rid of some things...first would be my car. We do have a four wheeler in the garage that is never used...but that’s a he-man toy, so I guess that stays.
      I already shop at the salvation army and goodwill for most of my clothes.
      I pay him 2/3 of my disability for the car payment, etc...and am expected to live on what’s left for the rest of the month...which is less than 200.00.
      You see, his philosophy seems to be...it’s our money when it comes from my check and it’s his money when it comes from his most of the time.
      I feel like I’m whining so I’m gonna stop and think happy thoughts!
      I love you all!


      Jomi, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Nov 28, 2008
    • Jomi..I don’t mean to sound ignorant, but what is a mill?...and if it is what I think it is...why does hubby need one?..He seems like he does not know what to do with money and then uses you as a scape goat when there is none...Someone always needs someone else to blame when clearly it’s their fault...

      I don’t see that there is anything you can do for this situation...you have a number of ailments that much is clear..You are debilitated in so many ways and if your hubby knew this before you guys were married, what’s the problem now?...There’s not enough money for him to buy a new ‘toy‘?...Sorry he seems like he has temper tantrums on you when he can’t Fix things...so not fair to make you feel guilty for something you have no control over..

      Like teeky said...look around your house and see if there is anything you can cut back on..although she suggested the same thing to me and for the life of me, I couldn’t find one thing to cut back on..sorry teeky...lol

      I can imagine you pay up the you-know-what for medications...and i hope you are getting adequate help in paying for those..if not, research some companies..there are some manufacturers who are willing to offset the cost of some meds...



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jomi wrote Nov 28, 2008
    • !http://images.fabulously40.com/uploadedimage/2627/thumbx120/hpim0703.jpg! Teeky, yes, kids.  I have two daughters.  Alicia is 21 and Emily is 19.  Em needs to go to the hospital every month so I drive an hour and a half to her college and bring her back up to Rochester to her appt.’s.  Thank god her Dad works up here so he takes her back to college because he lives in the next town.  Besides gas money it costs 5.00 for parking.  It’s much better now because we were going every week from March to July!
      My husband has two boys. Collin is 19 and Ryan is 18. I also take items to Collin and pick him up when he wants to come home. He is about 40 minutes away.
      I thank God that 2 of the kids drive and have their own cars! But I also like to take them to eat sometimes...esp. since I’m out of the house...
      soulful40, We could get rid of cell phones. i do like to have one when I am driving in case I have a problem, but I could deal. We could get rid of cable...I like to read! Everything is in his name.
      Oh! A mill is used in making big machine parts...idk exactly what it does. I really don’t mind he bought it but he should use it!!
      I have cut down on my meds...I was taking 8 plus and injection. I have limited myself to 2 other than the two laxatives Ihave to take every day...UGH! I should say three because one of those is a prescription. I don’t do th einjection anymore either because running Em took all my money over the summer and he won’t pay the co-pay. He pays my other co-pays because he picks them up on his way home. The injection comes to the house though. I thought by getting rid of some of the others he would pick up that one.
      Thank you for being supportive...you make me want to cry!!
      Love you guys!!


      Jomi, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.



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