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Well, I think I may have done it.  Not that I need a party thrown in my honor, yet, but I do think I have some courage to make this public.  I’m not ready to say I’m “over” it.  I still have a long ways to go to find “it” and as Hannah, my shrink says, I will likely loop back (as opposed to regress) and cover some of the same ground for awhile.

In the mean time, I think I have something I want to pursue.  If I can disassociate myself from the need/desire to feel I’m contributing to the household income and simply let it be, enjoy what I’m doing next, and let it take me where it may lead, then I will feel much better about this.  In the mean time, I’m going to do what I’ve wanted to do but felt I couldn’t.  Why?  Because no one was asking me to do this.

(Side note:  This is all incredibly simple and yet silly when I take a step back and look at it without any pretense.  More on this later.)

Back in October, I was struggling to make a list of things I liked.  I thought if I could just identify what I liked, then I might be able to do something with one or two of the items listed.  (“Might be able to do something” is code for earning a living.  Just thought I would interject that in case it wasn’t clear.)  Point is, I couldn’t identify anything.  OK.  Not true.  I identified how much I love to crunch dried pine cones, acorns and leaves.  I really do love this.  I will walk to the other side of the side walk just to crunch a leaf with the potential to make that delightful crunch, and I will also seek out which acorns are fresh in the fall-the larger the better-and walk around my driveway on the phone, mashing them under my feet.  Sadly, I can’t think of anyone who will pay me to do this so, there you go.  Now I’m back to not being able to identify anything I like.

I can't quite remember what it was-oh, yes-now I do.  I had to screaming session at God.  "How difficult of a thing is it, in the grand scheme of things, you being all powerful and all, to help me identify a small list of things I like doing?!  How can you not help me with this?  What part of 'help me!' don't you understand?!"  I was rather rude, mean and let it all out.  Evidently, it worked.  He/She/It/They must have decided it was easier to let me have my list than get insulted so one night I sat in bed with my laptop and the list just poured out.  I mean it flowed .  It was simply beautiful.

All this to say, I decided I want to take what was now a five-page list of “things I like and/or interest me” and write about each and every one of them.  I wanted to be a commentator/columnist.  I wanted to get paid to write about what I wanted to write about.  A plan?  No.  It’s like that baseball movie-if you write it, it will be read.  Or, something like that.

So, since I haven’t written anything on any of those five pages to date, I decided I would start now.  Not being asked to write about the things I like because no one knows I have this list-chicken or the egg?  No one asks because I don’t write, or I don’t write because no one asks?  In either case, I’m going to start here.  The subjects are totally unrelated except to say they all interest me.  And, I will likely have opinions on some or most of the subjects.  This is something I want to do.  I will enjoy this.  Not having a guaranteed audience or a book deal is not a good enough reason not to write.

This is what I realized as I was falling asleep in Gavin’s boyhood bed the other night.  I think it’s simply splendid and I have no earthly clue why I didn’t come up with this sooner.  It’s so simple that when it did finally hit, I felt almost embarrassed I didn’t come up with this sooner.

I do also feel this is my first giant step to coming out of this mid-life crisis.  Where will it lead?  I have no clue.  Oddly, (today), I’m OK with this.

I do reserve the right to swing back through “oh shit” territory every now and then, as there will likely be days where I feel this is all a giant waste of time.  Then again, maybe not.  I surprise myself sometimes.

Stay tuned.....



Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Suzann wrote Dec 30, 2008
    • Hi Stella,

      It is indeed a “coming out” from your midlife crisis. Your idea of “...I'm going to start here...” I think it’s brilliant.  

      We just start where we are, and we just go for it. Then we‘re “out there doing it.” From there, the Universe can guide us one way or the other, and we tweak the process and it’s an unending path.  

      I’m glad you‘re doing this. You‘re a wonderful writer.  

      [Link Removed]

      Suzann, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rebecca Deos wrote Dec 30, 2008
    • Congrats. You have courage and bravery for stepping out of the box, and deserve to pat yoursef on that back for that.

       I dont know if you have read “The Artists Way” by Julia Cameron, but I would highly recommend it. Its filled with great creative exercises and stories for writers and artists

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Stellababette wrote Dec 31, 2008
    • Just wanted to say a huge thanks for what you all wrote.  

      Rebecca:  I have heard of this book!  It’s been recommended by several people.  I’m on my way now to get it from the library.  Thanks!

      Joyfull:  Thanks for your well wishes.  If I can have fun doing this and it goes somewhere—hey!—doesn’t get much better than that!  

      mrsloird:  Crunching is good!  Repressed frustration?  Maybe.  Whatever it is (squirrel in a past life?) I get such a kick out of it.  Hey.  Maybe I will write about that!

      Suzann:  Thanks for your encouragement.  It’s a coming out, indeed.  I like that and feel like I’m breaking out of my shell—a chick being born.  

      Again, I’m touched by what you all wrote and thank you for your support. :)


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