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**disclaimer: the following is to describe about my son's death when occurred a year ago. If you are offended, please do not read any further. Thank you. **

Oct 22, 2009

Andy came home that night and rushed into the basement.  He moved out of the house about two weeks since he slept with his girlfriend and I made them to move out and be an adult.  They leased an apartment closed by.  

I asked if he wanted anything to eat and he said no.  It is not unusual for him to come home even he moved.  In fact, I loved to see him come home to do his laundry, or search for food.

I was upstairs doing puzzle I think.  Then the door bell rang and a hard fast knock on the door.  Two police officers asked where’s Andy and said they received a suicidal threat call from his girlfriend.  It took me by such a surprise and shock, my heart raced and I yelled his name as well as searching for him.  I could not find him downstairs or out in the yard.  It was like a life time before he showed up from nowhere - calm.  The policemen questioned him and he said he had an argument with his girlfriend and slammed the door.  He said they over-reacted.  I told the police he had 2 suicide attempts previously.  My head was pounding, my heart was racing - not knowing what to do.  The police asked him if he planned on hurting himself.  Andy said No. He asked if he was the one who parked his car on the lawn rather than on the driveway and he admitted.  Then police took off.

Andy and I talked a little.  He said his girlfriend betrayed him.  He was hurt but was fine.  He asked if I would go to sleep and let him cool.  He stayed downstairs.  I went down to check on him.  He was smoking and texting.  My last sentence to him was “do not do anything stupid for I cannot handle one more stress in my life.  If you do, I will follow you shortly.”  

I went upstairs, sat on the couch, starred at the fish tank.  My heart was pounding - a different kind of pound that I never experienced.  I was dying for a cigarette yet I just sat there as if something was making me to sit there and stare at the fish tank.  Nothing came into my mind - just plain.  After half hour, I decided to get a smoke.  I could not find my smoke, I then went downstairs and as soon as I opened the door, there I found my son hang himself.  His eyes turned and his lifeless body was suspending in the air by this dog leash.  My first reaction was to say “you are gone!” I repeated said and cried “you are gone!!!”  Basically, I left the body hanging there for awhile while I paced back and for, seeking solution to get him down.  I found a knife, I cut the top part of the leash.  He felt due to gravity and banged his head onto the iron exercise dumb belt bar.  My thought was “Andy, you better died for Mommy may have given you brain damage!” Crying, yelling, then I found my cell phone.  Called 911 and did not know why my first call got connected to his girlfriend.  She was yelling what happened?  I hang up and called 911 again.  They asked me to check if he was breathing.  They wanted me to cut the other leash that was surrounded his neck.  I was crying, breathing, trying to be calm, yet I could only utter a Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee... while I tried to cut the leash without hurting him.  Do you know the Pieta?  He was in that position in my arm.  Then the door rang, I gently put him down, did not want to leave that body but I had to run upstairs to open the door to the cops.  I did not say a word, opened the door and rushed back down.  They ran after me.  Then they asked me to go upstairs.  

(to be continued... )  



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Brimstone1968 wrote Oct 20, 2010
    • My dear friend, I could only imagine the pain, physcial, emotional and mental pain you are facing.  I will be honest I donot know what it feels like but I can imagine it.  The love of a parent to child is one that can never be broken even when relationships get broken the love is still there.  I want you to be encouraged that this was no fault of yours.  As real as it is, it was a choice that he made.  Circumstances makes us do somethings we would not normally have done.  You are a strong woman.  You have made it thus far.  Each day is 24 hours more than the day before.  Time is a healer.  The memories will not go away but in time you will get a peace that will allow you to journey further on in life, looking back and talking about it without breaking down into pieces.  Keep pressing on and draw your strength from the Almighty.  Will be remembering you in my prayers this evening and in times to come.  Have a restful night and continue to be strong.  You may not think you are strong but to make it to October 20th, 2010 you are strong.  Take it one day at a time.  Love you sis and God’s blessings.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cheekymonkey wrote Oct 20, 2010
    • My dearest china doll, my heart breaks for you. I wish I had elegant words to write that would ease your heartache but I dont. What I have is  support , caring, and a shoulder if you choose.
      I cried alittle for your pain and that of your sons but it was his and while you wanted to help him there was unfortuantly nothing you could have done without him wanting your help.
      As, a mother that probally woundnt comfort me so, if u can ask urself these 3 questions.
      1. Did I love him?
      2. Did I share my feelings of wanting him to be in the world?
      3. Did I tell him I loved him?
      Im sure the answers are all yes, so dear friend u did all you could that night. Even as mothers we are only human. My thoughts for you will be to find peace.
      Im sooo sorry for your pain. Hugs hugs hugs to you



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Oct 20, 2010
    • @Cheekymonkey:  As to your questions, my answers are
      NOT ENOUGH .



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anne E wrote Oct 20, 2010
    • Cheria,

      I am so so sorry that this happened to you and Andy.  How very sad this anniversary of his death is. Unfortunately Andy suffered from an illness that would not let him see how loved and valuable he was.  I remember reading that beautiful poem he wrote that you shared with us last year about love.  Life can be extremely difficult for those with sensitive souls. I pray that Andy is at peace now and knows no more pain. may God rest his soul.  I pray for you too, Cheria, that somehow your pain will diminish and that will someday be able to think of Andy without crying. heartheartbreakheart  Remember that we love you.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Allinet48 wrote Oct 21, 2010
    • This was hard to read since I have 2 siblings who have taken their own lives. It is very hard on the survivors. A permanent solution to a temporary problem. Thinking of you-be strong.heart



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cheekymonkey wrote Oct 21, 2010
    • heart oh sweetie, Im so sorry. It was enough u did everything u  could and hopefully you will smile again when u think of Andy. I cant even imagine. My heart goes out to you



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jo46 wrote Oct 21, 2010
    • Dear China Girl, how difficult this is for you.  I am sorry.  I to have had someone very close to me commit suicide.  To loose someone at such a young age is devastating.  I believe that their mood swings of depression can be so great they can’t even ask for help, for they are in the depression.  I will say prayers for you and Andy.  I hope that he has found peace, and that someday you will too.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Oct 21, 2010
    • Thank you all.  Now it is 8pm, I am doing good so far.  I always tell myself, no pain no gain, no cross no glory.  I am in full acceptance of my cross and it is not heavy for I have you all to cheer for me. heart



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cheekymonkey wrote Oct 21, 2010
    • heart we are all here for you. Your not aloneheart



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jo46 wrote Oct 21, 2010
    • sending you love chinadoll...



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Brimstone1968 wrote Oct 21, 2010
    • Loving you chinadoll and still praying for you.  Love and kisses.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Oct 21, 2010
    • It’s 10:48, my heart is racing, headaches and anxiety.  I took an anti-anxiety pill.  One of Andy’s best friend, my God Son (I adopted all Andy’s friends as God Sons and Daughters) came by.  He told me Andy’s friend all teamed up to the cementary tomorrow. My best friend came by.  Mom is staying with me.  Video chat with family in Hong Kong.  So far so good.

      Thank you again.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anne E wrote Oct 21, 2010
    • heart



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