Don't have an account? To participate in discussions consider signing up or signing in
facebook connect
Sign-up, its free! Close [x]

Benefits

  • okay Create lasting relationships with other like minded women.
  • okay Blogging, let your voice be heard!
  • okay Interact with other women through blogs,questions and groups.
  • okay Photo Album, upload your most recent vacation pictures.
  • okay Contests, Free weekly prize drawing.
  • okay Weekly Newsletter.

+4
Love it

The most popular topic on the Oprah.com lately has been about the two most recent visits by Dr. M. Gary Neuman, author of "Why Men Cheat".  Women by the millions tuned in both days to find out the answer to this most frustrating, devastating and destructive subject, only to find out that, in a nut shell, it was primarily their fault.  Did you hear the deafening, angry screaming coming from all the homes of Oprah fans across the nation...probably across the world?  Every married woman, whether they had been cheated on or not, leapt out of their seats screaming, "Are you kidding me?  It’s MY fault! Oh, no, it’s NOT!  

Dr. M. Gary Neuman has got it wrong about why men cheat and he’ll have it wrong for women too!  

It doesn’t have anything to do with the marriage or the relationship or sex.  It has nothing to do with being a man or a woman...it has everything to do with being a broken human being.

Yes, it’s about attention...but NOT the fact that the spouse isn’t meeting the needs of their partner in the attention category.  

Yes, most marriages get consumed by the every day stresses of raising a family, working and taking care of their homes.  Marriage is work...relationships have their ups and downs...life happens.  Husbands and wives enter in to their marriages with expectations that are perpetuated by the media, entertainment and a society that is sexually over-stimulated with little moral fortitude.  This is a broad cultural explanation and not addressing the root causes of why human beings cheat on their mates.

    

The reason men AND women cheat is their mindset is wrong. They are relying on others to define them, feed their egos and fill holes that have been left empty since childhood.  It is a flaw or disconnect with the individual that is cheating.  Cheating occurs due to an inability to cope with an individuals life in the present, as a result of what has occurred in their past.  The spouse is paying the bill for all of the past sins, circumstances, relationships and experiences that is stuffed in the cheaters baggage.

My research  has shown most women and men who cheat are control freaks or perfectionists; either first-born, babies or only children in their families.  Yes, it’s more emotional than physical BUT if asked, you will discover certain personality traits, unresolved childhood issues that relate to physical/emotional abuse, exposure to addiction, broken homes or that their parents were cheaters too. Cheaters may have learned by example OR they’ve never met anyone’s expectations or even met their own. They search for someone who will except the fantasy person that they portray.

Most spouses are doing what Dr. Neuman suggests:  encouraging, paying attention, having intimacy.

On the first show there was the couple who was having great sex, family life, but he was still cheating!   Even this man was confused about why he was cheating. Why? It’s because it was NOT about his marriage, family or job. It WAS about him! He was subconsciously sabotaging his marriage, family and life.   One of the other couples sat there with same dazed "This is not it either." look on their faces.  In the second show most of the couples seemed to not to accept what Dr, Neuman was saying...that it was about the attention they received from the other woman and the fact that the wife was not fulfilling her duties in giving the proper attention to her husband.  HOGWASH!

I was able to get my free download of Dr. M. Gary Neuman’s book titled “The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and How you Can Prevent It.” that was offered following the first Oprah show that he appeared on.  I have not read it yet and the above commentary is only on the Oprah shows that Dr. Neuman appeared and discussed why men cheat.  

To be honest the audience was filled with uncomfortable and guilt ridden men and their wives that only wanted answers to why their husband cheated on them.  To say that the women could not accept Dr. Neuman’s explanation for why they cheat, would be an understatement.  Most of the men sat taller in their seats as the doctor pointed the finger at the ladies, saying that they had to work harder at paying attention, having gratitude for what their husbands provided and did for them. Yet, when several women countered the good doctor on his direction by saying that this is a two way street with in the marriage AND that there is no excuse for cheating, especially in the case that a man’s ego is not being fed.  These women were angry and insisting, if not demanding that their husbands were not teenage boys with raging hormones, but mature adults that should be able to keep a moral code and ethic and not become weakened because their egos were not being stroked properly.  Many women in the audience refused to accept the doctors theory and the commentary rages on in this vein after the show and on in the forums under this very same topic.

By the end of the show, the men were slouching in their seats again in a pool of their guilt, wondering why they did what they did, while their wives sat on the edges of their seats waiting to hear the correct answer or the real truth to ‘Why men cheat?”  

The solution to the cheating problem in both men and women has to come from the person who is cheating. Resolving childhood issues, finding their true north, practicing positive mindset which include affirmations,  positive visualizations and healing their inner being, which will recalibrate a cheaters life.  It is NOT about the wife and what she is or is not doing.  It is NOT about the fact that the husband isn’t getting enough sexual satisfaction.  It is NOT about the marriage or the relationship.  It is about the cheater sending out the vibration of a cheater, so they attract those who will help them cheat.  It is about the emptiness that was there within the man or the woman even at the beginning of the marriage.  The wife or husband has been able to fill the hole or feed the need until the cheater needs to up the ante, increase the dosage...get an attention fix. They choose to cheat!  We are talking about a new type of addiction here...the addiction to people or attention...it is like a drug.  Just like in other addictions the root lies in the past, in unresolved issues, low self-esteem, poor decisions and destructive behaviors.  Does this sound familiar to anyone?  It IS an addiction...not treated correctly...they will cheat again.  

To blame the spouse for the cheaters actions is justification, rationalization and pointing blame in the wrong direction. The blame sits squarely on the cheater!  It is up to the cheater to dig deep, work hard at resolving their problems and holding to their commitment to not choose to pick up their addiction again.

Dr.Neuman, you are wrong...wrong...wrong!  Your explanation is only perpetuating this epidemic of cheating by pointing the finger of blame at the faithful partner.  Shame on you!

+4
Love it


  •  

Member Comments

    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Maria Louise Van Deuson wrote Oct 4, 2008
    • WOW! “Dr” M. Gary Neuman would have me believe that my ex- fiancee dumping me for a stripper (when I was pregnant with our child) was my fault!

      His infidelity changed my life and my unborn child’s irrevocably...

      Unfaithfulness has to do with the individual(s) that indulge in that behavior, and only those individuals are to blame for their own behavior.

      In a nutshell, his potential popularity with the LARGE female contingent went up in flames...he’s an idiot.



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Dee Dee Shaw wrote Oct 14, 2008
    • To put it very simply - it is a lack of commitment - period. No one is to blame but the offender. I get tired of people making excuses, and basically blaming the victim. Just like there is no excuse for abuse, there is no excuse for infidelity. Yes, we are all prone to fall, but it is still inexcusable.

      just my 2 cents....

      Dee Dee



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Delited wrote Oct 24, 2008
    • Just reading the title of this post really made me mad. I didn’t get to see this particular episode of Oprah, which is probably a good thing to say the least.

      I can’t believe that any “Professional” would put the blame of a cheating spouse on the victim.

      I feel if someone cheats on you/me they are not worthy of my/your attention anyway so you are better off without them!



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Jenni0811 wrote Nov 10, 2008
    • I believe that all of you are right. The person who would cheat on a spouse has a little or a lot of all the issues mentioned above. History and baggage plays a role, profound loneliness in a relationship plays a role, seeking affirmation or attention, the adrenaline rush of the forbidden act, the thrill of the hunt, complacency at home turned into boredom, simple pathological lying, the distancing and growth of the partners in opposing directions. Most people, including you and I, experience and have some or all of these issues. Some choose to bury them and maintain the relationship status quo for moral or other reasons. Some choose to stay in a relationship and seek what they are missing on the sly. Others, like myself, recognize the lack of fulfillment or the breakdown of the intimacy and if they find that those doors which have closed can no longer be opened, choose to divorce in order to move on. No one is to blame. Individuals and relationships are fallible creatures. We must all take responsibility for our past, present and future. That means also, that like it or not, if your spouse is behaving in a manner detrimental to the relationship, you must look within yourself and decide what is best for you as a result of this malignment. If the relationship can be salvaged, great. If not, you must understand that what was inside your spouse to drive him/her to this point initially is still there, and you must take proactive steps to safeguard your heart and family. Never, never an issue which is easily understood or dealt with lightly. After a discression like this, self and family must always be put first. You will never be able to asses accurate blame for the past, but you must move positively into the future.



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Nov 26, 2008
    • I say the explanation is dead ON. It’s exactly what happens. Perhaps not in every case & it is in NO way a “get out of jail free’ card. Cheating is still cheating.
      Calling it an addiction~ I have to say I have seen this behavior EXACTLY as this was written. WOW WOW WOW.
      The thing is though, people who DO that, don’t stop.  

      I’ve never seen someone addicted to that kind of negative “play with fire” attention recover from it.



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Nov 26, 2008
    • And no it’s not your fault. It’s the cheater’s fault. Always.

      Thank you for posting this.



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Susan Dahringer wrote May 22, 2009
    • To be honest, it’s both of their fault..Instead of this being a he said , she said ordeal.. They should make the time for each other,get reacquainted like when they first met. My God people give up too easily in their relationships...Make it work !!!



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenni0811 wrote May 22, 2009
    • I just got confirmation that my first hubby had been cheating many years before I filed for divorce. He will deny it to this day.    

      BooHa....is all I gotta say estatic



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote May 22, 2009
    • this man is a joke as is all he has to say.
      What kind of idiot would even give him airtime or publish this crap!??

       RIDICULOUS!!



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Tina Sickinger wrote May 22, 2009
    • I’m too tired to scroll back, but like it says somewhere up there, it’s always the victims fault according to the experts, though. Bullcrap! When do the victims get to be victims? When do the guilty have to take responsibility for their actions? Instead of being persecuted, the victims should be getting the empathy they deserve.



            Report  Reply


    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Dana Cappelletti wrote Apr 24, 2010
    • What ever happened to personal accountability and character?



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cristina Corral wrote Apr 27, 2010
    • Pooey on Dr. N.  

      Look at Opera’s face. LOL



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Sharonspeals wrote Jan 16, 2013
    • I started to feel that my relationship with my husband has begun to drift apart after 14 years of marriage.  He always seemed to avoid me and was accused me of being suspicious. I started to notice that he was on the internet more then usual and was very secretive of what he was doing by using the computer in the middle of the night, minimize the screen as I walked by, and deleting the Internet History after every use.

      I had enough and decided to see what he was really up to.  I has the Internet History Analyzed on the computer and found he was cheating on me with someone from an online dating website.  They were making plans for the upcoming weekend when he was supposed to be away on a business trip.

      I pretended I knew nothing and surprise to him he returned I was gone along with the kids.  The only thing I left was a note telling him I knew what was going on and it was over.

      This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I could not continue to go on like that.  I had to do something and I am glad I did.

      Here is the website that changed my life : hubbyspy.ca



            Report  Reply


    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Maryolg wrote Sep 10, 2013
    • Well, it honestly was my fault. I know that sounds crazy but I was consumed in everything else except my husband/marriage. I also relied on bad advice from friends and family that drove a wedge between us. When I found out about the affair, I was hurt, mad and everything in between! I felt like half of me had died and I didn’t know how to fix it. I was always taught to be a headstrong woman and stand my ground on things. That works well in a lot of life situations but a relationship/marriage is a partnership between 2 people, not 1. Once I calmed down (which took awhile of course) and saw things through plus listened to him as to WHY he had done it, it all began to come together. Its a on going battle but I love my husband and I’ll do anything to make it work.



            Report  Reply