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I need to get your thoughts on this one. My 23 year old stepdaughter lives with me and my husband. As you know from my previous blog, she is lazy.  

I’m becoming resentful now by the fact that she doesn’t lift a finger around the house. She asked us to write out a list of chores she should be doing regularly to remind her to do them. SERIOUSLY! So, we wrote the list. It had things like, make your bed, wash your sheets weekly, vacuum your room, take out your trash, etc. We gave her the list almost 3 weeks ago and from what I can tell, she hasn’t done any of those things yet!

Another sore subject for me is she eats us out of house and home. She’s 23, lives here rent free, goes to school part time, works part time and doesn’t contribute anything to the household. I’m at the point where I get angry when she opens the fridge!

If she were busting her hump, doing her chores, cleaning up after herself, working full time or going to school full time, I wouldn’t feel this way!

Am I being unreasonable???



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cindylouwho1966 wrote Nov 4, 2008
    • Your husband is allowing this? If so, you guys need to have a seeeeerious talk and get on the same page. He’s not doing her any favors by allowing her to act this way.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Nov 4, 2008
    • No..you‘re not being unreasonable..she’s a grown a**ed woman as far as I’m concerned...(sorry...sore subject for me at times too)

      But you really have to tread lightly with this one..I think your husband might have to take the lead on this one, michelle, because as much as the two of you are on the same page about this right now, how long or what could possibly happen for you guys to go to separate pages?...(Am I assuming that your husband is siding with you?)



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Nov 4, 2008
    • No, you are not unreasonable at all.  I think it is expected since she is 23.  How does your husband view this?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Theresa Simmons wrote Nov 4, 2008
    • not in the least!!! at that age she should be on her own anyway.i commend you for you thoughtfulness but enough is enough, you didnt mention WHO is  doing the work.if your picking up after her i would stop.maybe you should sit her down and explain it to her ,how this is putting a wedge in your relationship. anyway ,just my opinion.  it will come to you when you have had enough.  my prayers are with u.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 4, 2008
    • The funny thing is that my husband agrees with me but doesn’t follow through on telling her anything. We actually decided that we were going to allow her to live here until the end of the year-but he hasn’t told her yet. I keep reminding him that the longer he waits, the harder it will be on her to get her act together and find a place, etc.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Nov 4, 2008
    • Michelle..My hubby is pretty much disgusted with my daughter too..If he had it his way he’d have her out by now...I agree to a point..she really could do better around the house...Now she does work full-time and I make her pay me before she does anything else (I AM A BILL) because nothing is free..We got into it real bad about a month ago and I actually told her to leave, but caved in, in the end...My husband was like...you need to stick to what you say...easier said than done though...she’s 20

      Don’t let this situation get so out of hand that it divides you two...Have a family meeting where EVERYONE gets a chance to speak their mind...respectfully



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      AnneMarie Kimberling wrote Nov 4, 2008
    • I was just having a similar conversation with another friend of mine...  We were discussing how long his daughter should be allowed to live at home - without monetary responsibility.  We agreed that if she were in school FULL-TIME, he would most likely be willing to support her... but if that changed at all, so would his responsibilities to her financially.  He has decided she could still live at home (I don’t think Daddy is ready for his little girl to leave yet), BUT, she would be need to pay rent.  

      I’ve had friends who made the same decision - that their adult children needed to pay rent if still living at home...  And a few even took that money and put it in a savings account (unknown to the child) that was then given back to the child when they went to buy their first home (or rent a first apartment)...  Those are situational though...

      While I’m not a parent - I have spent many years working with teenagers and young adults.  The worst thing a parent can do is NOT teach a child (no matter what age) responsibility.  And I say this primarily to your husband...  You do walk a fine line, as was stated by someone else, but it’s still your home also.  And if you are the one cleaning up after her, I would go on strike! (My mom used to do that to us - it worked!!)

      Twenty-three is TOOOOOOO old to be living at home without any adult responsibilities...  especially when it comes to her own room and laundry....  I think I would make her either pay rent and or contribute a certain amount to groceries - even if it were only $25 a week....

      But here I ramble...  Good luck!!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Nov 4, 2008
    • We wanted to take her money and do that, put it in a bank and give it back to her later, but like you said that is very situational..lol

      We have too many mouths to feed and when I show her all the bills she seems to understand and expresses she wishes she could give more...

      I just wish she would help out more around the house...but I spoiled all of my children by doing everything for them all the time...this is what I get...

      so vigirl...trust me..I feel your pain...lol



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      AnneMarie Kimberling wrote Nov 4, 2008
    • Soulful - have you ever watched “Wife Swap” on ABC (it’s also on Lifetime during the day - obviously I have WAY too much time on my hands right now)...  At first I REFUSED to watch that show because I thought it was so trashy...  Then I started watching just because so many of the families cracked me up...  Now, I watch it to see transformation - and some of them have been pretty amazing...  I ask this in response to your statement that you have spoiled your children by doing everything for them... JUST SAY NO, GIRL!!  happy  Help them learn responsibility...  as much as I hated it when my parents made us do the dishes - EVERY NIGHT except when we had company or it was a holiday - I am so thankful for their teachings...  and all three of us are fabulous cooks and have never had a white shirt turn pink in the laundry...  Make your daughter help out more - the little things make the biggest differences....

      Blessings to you and to Vigirl...  (I might actually have made a good parent - at least on paper... LOL!)



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      SHERRY C wrote Nov 4, 2008
    • It is time for her to know responsibility and she is way too over the age that you will have to babysit her. Am sorry, i feel for you. You are not helping her at all.she has to live by herself, maybe if she does, she will learn.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 4, 2008
    • I lived with my parents until I got married at the age of 30. I paid rent, cleaned up after myself-just like a responsible adult roommate would. It worked beautifully and all parties were happy.

      Unfortunately, she probably doesn’t even make enough to contribute $25/week.

      Right now I’m conducting a social experiment. We buy toilet paper in bulk. The other day I bought some and accidentally left it in my car and it’s been there since.

      I started to notice that my SD was using the downstairs toilet and bringing tp upstairs with her from the downstairs roll. I finally realized that she must be out of tp in her bathroom.

      Now, I’m just curious how long it will take her to either ask if we have more or sack up and go to the store and get herself some just like the rest of us adults do when we run out.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Nov 4, 2008
    • amk929...Oh trust and believe..these other kids in here?..They catch hell from the mistakes I made with her..They cook once a week 12 yr old & 13 yr old...(Can you say D-E-L-E-G-A-T-E?)...the two 8 yr olds have chores too..They are ALL responsible for taking care of the family room and alternate dishwashing..(mum doesn’t like dishwashers...they suck)...Vacuuming is shared...EVERYTHING!!!lol...It’s my oldest I have a problem acclimating to chores as she didn’t do them when she was younger..She does them now...but half-heartedly...Not good enough for this mother..at all...Yes I love ‘Wife Swap‘...I ask my hubby if we should apply..“Hail No’ he says...lol..He already knows what a good woman/wife he has in me...



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Bobbi Bacha wrote Nov 4, 2008
    • vigirl, Sounds like she is with you for a reason, as she needs some help, but Ive seen this with step children, even older adult ones.. they will push all the buttons on Step Mothers..  

      She is pushing your buttons..

      My advise is dont you handle her.. or tell her what to do.. Let her dad do it all.  There fore she will have no reason to push your buttons.

      The things your asking in your household are not unreasonalble.  But let your husband handle it.

      Take yourself out of this.

      What ever happens its between her and her dad not you.  Let him decide how to handle his daughter.  Not you.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Nov 4, 2008
    • Vigirl..Girl..I don’t even know what to say about your situation..I just pray you understood what i wrote to you before...Because tension like this...is a killer..I still say...FAMILY MEETING time..every week until the situation gets better..call it brainwashing...or breaking her down!..She should get tired of hearing the same stuff on a weekly basis and change...if not...an ultimatum might be needed



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Nov 4, 2008
    • that’s exactly what I said greeneyedlady..HE should be doing it...it might be more effective than the step-mom from hell(as she might be seeing you vigirl)



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Bobbi Bacha wrote Nov 4, 2008
    • Soulful, I love the I Am a Bill, quote.. really a good one.

      Ha



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Peacepatrol wrote Nov 5, 2008
    • I am PeacePatrol,
      I popped in once in awhile
      to check if everything is in control.
      You gals are awesome & I now go Rock-n-Roll.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rena Bennefield wrote Nov 5, 2008
    • I raised 2 step daughters..It took some time to get them to listen to me..Their Father was useless in this situation..I found out his Ex wife was telling them shi* Like She Is Not Your Mother...I had my daughter and my son also in the house..The two girls didn't live with us all the time, it was most of the time..And I had to do all the running..Like taking them to Track practice and Basketball practice, and Soccer practice, Music lessons, Choir Practice, EVERYTHING..Their mom was to busy to be involved with their lives...They did nothing I told them to in the beginning..Clothes everywhere.. Wouldn't do dishes, or clean up after themselves..ect.. Well one day I sat all 4 of them down and I laid the laws down..And I told them..When you are in MY house you will do as I say..When you go home do what you want...Even though I spanked my kids when they were bad..I couldn't spank them.. So the rules were this..You will rotate chores every Sunday..The list is on the fridge..I will post this every Sunday..There will be penalties for not doing them..The consequences will fit the misconduct.. Not doing your duties will result in a half hour in the hall facing the wall..If you talk, lay down, sing, or anything but sit right there, I will add another 10 min.on. I put a large garbage can in the garage..I will ask you once and tell you once to pick up your things..Anything left laying around will go in the trash can..You have till garbage day to reclaim your things or they go out to the garbage..I pulled the girls dressers out of their rooms because they would not keep them straighten up..Crap Everywhere... I bought a bunch of hangers..And they each had a 4 tear basket hanging in there for their undies, bras, socks, ect... All Clothes were hung up accept pants they went in their slot on the closet shelf.. I gave them 30 mins a day to clean their rooms make their beds and so on.. If I found one thing one sock out of place it will mean 30 min at the hall wall..And an additional 5 min. for each item I found and it went in the Big Trash can...I mean Toothbrushes purses..Game Boys.. My point is that you have to let her know this is my home and you are welcome here..But you have to live by the house rules..You're not a guest.. You said she doesn't make enough money to pay rent..If she made 25 I would ask for 12.oo every week..If she complains..Say "Ok let's see you live anywhere else for 48.00 per month"...As for her dad..I would say he is worried if he corrects her she might turn away from him. So I am a firm believer in the Step-Mom. Stepping Up.. It's not easy and you may be a bit unpopular..But she will get over it...When it was all said and done..They called Me Mom..and didn't want to go back to their mom's..and I grew to love them as my own kids..I never played favorites.. I was an equal opportunity Mom... =) Hope this helps..  Kat



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Shopgirl1960 wrote Nov 5, 2008
    • Hey Michelle,

      I feel for you girl! I was in your situation at one time.
      There isn’t a lot you can do without your husband’s support.
      How awful it is to feel that the home that belongs to YOU and YOUR husband has caused toxic feelings for you with your husband. He needs to see and understand that.

      I could write on forever about this subject since it was
      an awful,awful time for me. I packed my bags a couple of times. Now that I look back, I should have put my foot down
      and left until we had came to an agreement about his son. Unfortunately the agreement should have happened before the stepchild lived in our home.  

      I wish you much luck my friend!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Maria Louise Van Deuson wrote Nov 5, 2008
    • Of course your‘re resentful that she doesn't lift a finger around the house. You and your husband NEED to clarify responsibilities. She should at least pay for food if no rent. The  list of chores you gave her was generous and light... The list I gave my graduated High Schooler who is not in school or working is that he needs to do 40 hours of work a week until he’s full-time in school, work or a combination. So his chores are to work for me in my business and he vacuums and sweeps the entire house. He also helps wherever else I need him.

      He got so bored with me busting his butt that he is not working outside of the home!

      By the way, I had my son sign a family contract of responsibilities and expectations. No freeloading, and pull your own weight. No one should get to live free, you‘re not a hotel.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Bobbi Bacha wrote Nov 5, 2008
    • Soulful, you wrote 8 hours ago, Quote, “Now she does work full-time and I make her pay me before she does anything else (I AM A BILL) because nothing is free.”

      I said I love what you said about “I Am A Bill“.

      funny.

      Your right ladies and shopgirl right on.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Rena Bennefield wrote Nov 5, 2008
    • I wish you all the best Girl..But from my personal experience..You will have a hard time getting him to say anything..And even if he does..it will be followed by ..I have to speak to you because your SM Michelle is not happy..It will always come back to you..Let me ask this .if it is to personal I understand..How is your husband's relationship with this girl's mother? If they have a workable relationship he will not want to rock her boat either..Men for the most part would rather let it slide than have to deal with the ex or other opposition..I may be wrong..It won't be the first time or the last..It’s a hard place to be in.. =)I agree that if you can get him to put forth an honest effort it would be great... =)



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Nov 5, 2008
    • My friend is dealing with this right now. And like many said, unless ‘dad’ gets involved there is not too much that you can do w/o looking like the bad one.
      Blessings!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Nov 5, 2008
    • Yes greeneyedlady..she would get paid and go and spend $100 on her nails, toenails and eyebrows and I started resenting her because I was so broke by making sure SHE (and everyone else of course) had food to eat and all the necessities for comfort...She walked off a couple of jobs and thought she was gonna stay at home..I told her she had to get another job..within a time limit and she hads to pay me like I was a bill..If not, she’ll never learn..I AM A BILL!!..LOL



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 5, 2008
    • When she moved in she didn’t have a job and my husband paid her car insurance and her cell phone. I was appalled to say the least! He finally gave her a deadline in which he would not be paying these things. She waited until THE last second to get a job. She has no clue!

      We live in a very windy area and one day the winds were awful. We have a pool and it was full of leaves and dirt. She came home and announced how much she loves the wind. I told her I did as well when I was younger but now that I have a house and pool to clean, I hate the wind. I told her to “just wait” until she got her own place. I asked her to look at the pool and asked if she would still love the wind if she were the one to clean the pool. She didn’t have an answer for me.

      The toilet paper experiment is still on and she hasn’t said anything about it yet.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 5, 2008
    • Do you think I should let my husband read these posts?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 5, 2008
    • I think he knows all of this already. I believe that he feels some sort of guilt for not being around a lot when they were younger. When they were younger and they would come visit us every other weekend, he would let them do whatever because he felt guilty. The house was in shambles by the time their mom would pick them up Sunday afternoon. I’d ask them to clean their dishes and their room before she would get there. They would wait until the last second and, of course, their mom didn’t want to wait so nothing would get finished. It’s the same old sh**!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linda S Fitzgerald wrote Nov 5, 2008
    • A wee bit tongue in cheek - but have you tried telling him that it’s “her or me“.  It would be interesting his choice although it might be painful and you would have to be willing to carry your end if he chooses ADULT daughter. . . but at least you’d know for sure where you stand instead of wondering & guessing.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Shopgirl1960 wrote Nov 5, 2008
    • OMG Vigirl, my last husband was like that. I think he had the guilt of not being a full time Dad. His son (my step-son)was hell on wheels. He drank and was partying. Always getting into trouble. I believe he was also stealing from us. He would have parties if we would leave to stay at our cabin for the weekend. I never knew what I would come home to. There once was holes in the walls from a fight IN OUR HOME!!!!! I found out later from one of the people that he had passed our Christmas gifts around and that is why some
      of our gifts were broken. This story goes on as to how he
      treated me with disrespect and made my daily life miserable.
      WHY didn’t my husband protect me, US? WHY!!!!!!!!!!
      His son stayed from the age of 18 until the age of 28 off and on. It was a nightmare each time he let him come back.
      Eventually his Dad (my husband)finally woke up and quit believing that his son might commit sucide if he kicked him
      out and he finally took him to a apartment complex and gave him money and told him he had to stand on his own two feet.
      After that he never came back again to live.
      He still has a problem with drinking and it continues to destroy his life. I believe if his Dad would have STOOD UP
      and been the Dad this guy needed, he could have prevented his son from being an alcoholic.

      From what I have seen and heard about single Dad’s (even those raising the kids) they are just not as disciplined as a Mom would be. Men are just WAYYYYYYYyyyyyyyy to lienent
      with children in general. That’s my humble opinion.
      Just like my husband asking his son to do something to his pool at his home before we were married, and his son said he didn’t want to. I WAS LIKE,
      WHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat????  Are you kidding me. Can you imagine if we fab40 women had said that to our Dad or Mom? Holy Cow!! And,I was worried after hearing this before we married,but since that time he is really good about his son following our rules. Thank the heavens! (His son is 14 and enjoy having him come to VISIT~)  

      Maybe it would be good for your husband to read some of these post.  

      I think letting her stay depends on her mental age and if
      she can truly make it on her own. You all could discuss what
      would be best in helping her develop into the person that you would like to help her to become.

      Sorry I rambled, but it hit a chord!!! I so understand the complex situation you are in!  AND NO,,,, I do NOT believe you ask your husband to choose!!!  There is NOT a man alive who would be challenged by that! ( In my humble opinion)

      I send out best wishes for you~!!!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 5, 2008
    • I believe mental age plays a factor. It’s funny-she is so book smart and so stupid when it comes to common sense.  

      Here is a little more background-my husband is black and her mother is white. Her mother remarried right away to a white man and had shiny white kids. I believe that her mother treated my SD and her sister as the step-kids in this new marriage.

      I truly feel that they were neglected in some ways. It’s obvious that her mother didn’t spend enough time nurturing her and teaching her how to be self sufficient and confident.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Daphne wrote Nov 5, 2008
    • Put a strap and lock around the refrigerator, put her dirty dishes and dirty clothes into her room and shut the door.  Purchase a lockable chest and put the toilet paper, laundry detergent, soap, toothpaste, etc into it.  Purchase a lockable cabinet and put all the dry food goods into it.

      There is more than one way to get someone’s attention.  When respectful appeal, repeated requests and threats don’t work, perhaps imposed poverty might.

      I feel your pain, Vigirl...my 18-year-old daughter would be happy to do NOTHING around the house.  Problem is...i have some leverage.  I own the car she finds under her ass anytime she wants to go somewhere.  :c)



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