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Ok, so life has really been tough for awhile.. im not sure why or what is going on, but im tired.. im angry.. im hatefull..im not having a pitty party or a poor me thingy.. i just need to blog about whats going on inside me.. please don’t judge me.. im not perfect..there are days when i don’t wanna be momita any more.. i get tired of the dang fighting.. fighting that goes on between the children EVERYDAY! with no reprieve...i get tired of the working my tail off and have nothing to show for it, OR not being able to get the children the things they need...im tired of how my my 10 year old reminds me that its my fault we are poor.. yes, i know, don’t let it bother me.. but it does! do i get angry with them because i see a part of me in them that i do not like? do i want them to be different and not who God wants them to be?please do not get me wrong... my children are MY WORLD! i would die for them..they are great children! all 3 of them have good hearts..im tired of this anger inside me...the x husband calling ( he’s outta prison now.. ) and saying to my son ” i’ll just get a private investagor to get your address ” and then having my children be afraid and worried because of this ass!i told my children ” momita will KEEP YOU SAFE! no one will hurt you!i honestly am not worried, because he never bothered us in Michigan, and now we are 10 hours away, so im not worried...can i be honest? i would rather see him leave us alone! hes as worthless as a tit on a boar.. am i judging him? no, just telling you fact...hes not changed in 15 years!OMGOSH.. all i do is cry! where have i gone? what has this person done with Linni? i really miss me...the bitterness and anger need to go!please keep me in prayer as i go on finding myself..i love you all, and am thankful i can vent here!Much LoveLinni



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cindylouwho1966 wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • Linni, you have every right to feel pissed off. Life is crappy sometimes, and you’ve gotta let it out somewhere. I’m here for you, and would never judge you!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • Linni...first of all..you need to breathe and calm down...We talked about the x-factor already so you know how I feel...Stop beating yourself up about how you feel...hmmm..didn’t you tell me the same thing just the other day?...

      Linni...you and I are so much alike, we‘re rowing the same boat, but you‘re tired and weak, you need someone else for you to row for a while..Your kids as you told me, love you, they know the sacrifices you make, they know momita loves them, please stop beating yourself up for what you can’t do and look at what you have done. You keep them safe from the x-factor everyday...

      I love you linni..and you know where I am..but please, please, calm down, you just had surgery woman....



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • I wish I could drive out there just to hug you, but unfortunately, I don’t drive, but I hope you feel my hug anyway!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • thank you Lu! i need to get this all out! and i am glad i can here! you are a great friend!

      Thank you CD! i needed that my friend!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • Oh Denise thank you! i didn’t see your posts when i replied..

      yes we are alot alike, and yes i told you the same thing..i get so dang frustrated! you know?

      you are here in my heart Denise and i feel your hugs! thank you!



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Juli1967 wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • Oh darling! it sounds like you have so much on your plate!  Being a mom is hard and being a single mom is so hard I can’t even imagine.  Top it off with x out of prison—goodness!  All i can think of is God’s word.  Think about how amazing it is that God knows your name and that He loves you so much.  Then remember His promise that He will never allow you to go through anything that you can’t handle.  When you think you can’t handle it any more remember that He thinks you can!  That is pretty empowering if you let it sink in—He not only just thinks you can handle it, He KNOWS you can or you wouldn’t be facing it!  Grab hold of the grace that He so freely offers you, seek refuge in Him.  Then remember another promise that everything He allows you to experience is refining you!
      In my darkest of times when I didn’t feel like I had a soul in this world that I wanted to talk to or confide in I just got on my face and cried out to God to hear my cries and answer my prayers! I started reading Psalms over and over and I knew that when I was overcome with fear and doubt that the Holy Spirit was right there interceding for me! In the Davidic psalms there are many prayers that David prayed to God to protect him from His enemy—I prayed them so many times and it sounds like something you can benefit from too. If you go there and start reading Psalms from the beginning, you will see exactly what I am talking about—they are so awesome! Read them, pray them, seek God’s comfort and grace. Keep reminding Him that you are waiting for His answer. Seek Him diligiently. He will answer! Sometimes when my mind would overcome me I would just start saying “I TRUST YOU GOD!”
      It took a while, a lot longer than I would have hoped, but ultimately God answered my prayers and not only did He answer them but He sustained me while I waited—otherwise I wouldn’t be here today! It was a horrible time in my life that I thought would be the end of me, I thought I would die from a broken heart and I don’t ever want to go there again but at the end of it I realized that there was an invaluable lesson for me in it and I had to depend on God in a way that I never had before.
      Here is another one to take to heart—
      In Jeremiah 29:11 God is saying...For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, (says the Lord), thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.
      God’s promises are the key to our survival!  Read them, believe them—I mean really really believe them!  His words are the only words we can really believe.  

      Deep breathing helps a lot too when you are feeling overcome.  Sounds really simple but it helps you so much.  

      Keep your chin up sister!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • Yes I know firsthand linni...boy do I...I called Tori this evening just to rant yet again...I keep stupidly looking in my mailbox for a darn child support check that I know I’m not getting...why do I torture myself?...lol

      Sometimes I lose my mind too and wish my x-factor dead!!!..He’s wasting precious air still and nope, I don’t feel guilty for feeling this way...tongue out

      You feel this way and you will go on and feel better tomorrow...trust that..but don’t let this situation defeat you..You are a good person with a wonderfully big heart, remember that!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • im trying to remember that Denise..

      i guess i need to use this time off to soul search, and get rid of this junk!

      im here if you ever need!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • thank you Marci..

      its so dang hard and frustrating! i must say, that i have said to them once that if they didn’t stop i was sending them to thier dad.. now, i would NEVER do that.. it just came out before i could stop it...

      thank you for your care and concern, and your prayers!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • cmenmyvette- i JUST seen your post! i am so sorry!

      yes, i just started one last week.. was supposed to start the week before, but was in hospital...so im waiting for it to ” kick in ”

      i will hang in there because MY CHILDREN, and even MYSELF are that important! :)

      thanks for your hug!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Kck0036 wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • Linni,  

         Keep talking my ears are all yours. I will keep you in my prayers. I have kids that age too and one of them is really forward with what she says and 8-10 times it really bothers me. My husband has been such a wonderful help when it comes to her he makes me understand that they need to say and vent just as we do but to some respect in tact.
      So know that I am thinking of you as you go through this part of your hard times and I can relate, and know that
      you can vent to all of us anytime! We are here for each
      other and I am sure that you will be here for me! My prayer’s are with you!
      (((((HUGS)))) Kristi-



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • linni..we alike yet again..lol..I’m on some too..Do I see a difference?...No not really...but my doc said to give it some time...I will...



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • thank you Kristi! you know, your hubby is right.. i just want everything perfect and calm, and i know that won’t happen! life is full of things that happens!

      i will keep you in prayer also!

      Blessings
      Linni



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Doreen XoXo wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • Linni,

      You are a hell of a woman.  All of this you have on your plate and you still are thinking of others.  Im so glad to have met you.  

      xoxo



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Juli1967 wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • I tried Lexapro and it worked great but I changed to Cymbalta and I loved it too.  When it was time to get off of it I just knew it.  You’ll see, things will just be so much easier to deal with once the meds are doing their job.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Dee Dee Shaw wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • Linni,
      As I read what Juli wrote, I thought of what I so briefly typed out early before I had to run out the door. Go back and dig through my blogs and find the one titled Because I Said So - I know it was written about Joshua, but it applies to all the “Whys” we ask God.
      You know I am here for you, and I am convinced with my whole heart that the Plus is going to do wonders for you! I sure hope you find it in the mailbox tomorrow. estatic
      I love you my friend. The Psalms are my happy place. It doesn’t matter how angry, sad, discouraged, frustrated I get, the Lord uses David’s songs to lift my spirits and soothe my soul. I am forgeting the chapter, but there is one that I sing -
      You are my hiding place
      You always fill my soul
      with songs of deliverance
      Whenever I am afraid,
      I will trust in thee
      I will trust in thee
      Let the Weak say I am Strong in the Strength of the Lord
      You are My Hiding Place, My Hiding Place
      Never ever have I sung that psalm and not been left with a feeling of total utter peacefulness.  

      You are in my prayers. The Lord will sustain you and give you the grace you need for the moment (not the year, or month or week or even day... but just for the moment which is all we need.)



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cindylouwho1966 wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • When I took Zoloft, I would forget what I was saying, literally. I was on the air in the middle of a sentence and totally lost my train of thought. My doc then switched me to Effexor. Here's my word of warning- find out side effects and ask about them before you start anything new! I am now stuck taking Effexor probably forever because it has horrible withdrawal. I was too eager to try what the doc recommended to do research beforehand.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jacquie6363 wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • Hi Linni, how awful that you are not feeling well.  It’s ok to rant and rave, you have earned that right.  Sometimes it might seem that life is feeding us crap, but most times it’s a way of preparing us for brighter and bigger things, making us strong.

      What ever you do, please don’t give up and let go.  We love you and is here for you.  Will continue to prayer for you.

      Soulful, my island sis, like Linni, you are reaching the end of your rope, honey, tie a knot and hold on.

      Love to you both!!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Alleyne-Hill wrote Jan 19, 2009
    • Wow..thanks for the advice cindylou..I was gonna ask my Dr. if she had an alternative....Now I know what to avoid...

      It’s funny..I never wanted to admit to taking meds because I’d heard such horror stories of people judging or being scared to be around someone who takes meds for depression..but now I’m at a place where I don’t really care who knows and what I’m thought of..maybe they‘re working after all...

      jacquie..thanks for your words of advice too..I’m holding on..just like linni is..we‘re holding on together..right linni?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • Oh Linni ....... I wish I could pop over and make you supper - hold your hand and sort your problems out.

      Linni your a very special person and very loved by all of us .... you rant and we will listen ......

      Stay strong my love ........xxxx from over the ocean xx



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • wow! what wonderful advice from you all! thank you from the bottom of my heart!

      sometimes i get to where i close off, and stop doing the things i need: pray, and read Gods word. i know that is when i need to do it the most! when im going through struggels..

      yes, we are hanging on together soulful, and im NOT going to let YOU FALL, and im not going to fall!

      im looking forward to getting my stuff in the mail Dee Dee, and oneday being able to stop meds..i know one thing that helps in that area is changing HOW i eat, and WHAT i eat.will be working on that also!

      thank you my sisters for your love and upliftment! you all mean so much to me!

      Much Love
      Linni



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenni0811 wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • LINNI ~

      Here you are loved...

      Here you are not judged....

      Here you are free to rant....

      Here we are your friends and sisters....

      Everyone had wonderful suggestions...  Here’s another thought...since you are right off the heels of surgery, I have heard that there can be lingering post anesthesia symptoms...some of the same things you are describing.  

      ....Just another thing to check with your doc about.

      Love Ya & God Speed



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • thank you Jenni! i will check into this!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Termite wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • ((((((((LINNI))))))))
      You are a good person and you need to remember that. You have a lot on your plate right now. Just remember...God Has a plan, and there is a reason for everything. Just trust in him.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • Juli- i did not see your post until this morning! i am so sorry..

      you are right! i need to call out on God.. let Him fill me and hold me.. sometimes it feels like even that is too hard of a task.. i will do it, and will start re reading the Psalms.. thank you!

      Termite_ thank you so much for your hug and your encouragement! i really needed it!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Daphne wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • Linni- i’ve felt pretty low in my life, too.  The children bickering, the low-grade “blah” that i couldn’t seem to shake, the hopeless feeling, the inability to see that brighter days were coming.  

      January and February are THE most difficult months of the year for many of us...especially those of us who live in the north.  The cold, short days & the cold long nights following the cheerful holiday season provides for one helluva let down come the first of the year.  Add to that, your recent physical challenge and you have excellent conditions for a full-blown depression!  Whether it is situational or clinical, depression is a very real, very treatable condition.  If you have an appointment with you doctor, be sure to discuss this with him/her.  If you don’t have an appointment, MAKE ONE...TODAY.

      Regarding the bickering children.  Make a promise to yourself that you will not get involved in their disagreements...and stick to that promise.  I was forever seeking peace and harmony within my family and, in the end, it was MY peace and harmony that suffered the most!  You can’t referee them through their difficulties with each other.  Tell them that you‘re all done getting involved.  If you didn’t contribute to the disagreement, you‘re not going to contribute to the resolution.  If they don’t treat one another well, then they‘re going to have to pay the consequences.  It’s mighty hard to stick to this but it’s imperative that you do not add to your stress by taking on theirs!

      If they are relentless, like children can be, LEAVE THE ROOM...put a closed door between you and the children, turn on a radio or TV (LOUDLY) and dance to the music with your fingers in your ears.  Come out ONLY when you hear peace and quiet!

      I hope you can trust us when we assure you that this is a temporary funk you‘re in.  You‘re entitled to feel crappy these days but don’t let it become your future, your reality, your legacy.  Take action.  

      You have everyone’s support and caring, Linni.  You are not alone!  All by itself, THAT should help you to feel a little better!

      XOX



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Psalmist wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • just saw this post linni and i have to run to get to work, but just this to help until i get back tonight.  remember we love you lots and lots and lots!

      Psalm 43

       1 Declare me innocent, O God!

            Defend me against these ungodly people.

            Rescue me from these unjust liars.

       2 For you are God, my only safe haven.

            Why have you tossed me aside?

         Why must I wander around in grief,

            oppressed by my enemies?

       3 Send out your light and your truth;

            let them guide me.

         Let them lead me to your holy mountain,

            to the place where you live.

       4 There I will go to the altar of God,

            to God—the source of all my joy.

         I will praise you with my harp,

            O God, my God!

       5 Why am I discouraged?

            Why is my heart so sad?

         I will put my hope in God!

            I will praise him again—

            my Savior and my God!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • thank you Daphne...

      i am on meds that i started last week.. so its going to take a few weeks to get into my system...

      as for the children, its really stupid stuff, and it ticks me off! starts first thing in the morning, and goes until they go to bed..

      i get so run down and tired...

      yes, i can trust you all, and am VERY greatful that i have all of you with me!  

      you are a blessing!

      Much love
      Linni



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • thanks BB..

      lol.. sometimes i just think i over react, or want things perfect, and its just not gonna be that way.. you know?

      love ya



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • WOW!!!! Linni you are an amazing woman. You are one of compassion, strenght, love, forgiveness and kindness. Don’t beat yourself up for being human. Without everything that you have gone thru you would not be all that you are today.

      God has blessed us all by giving us a chance to know you.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • thank you Vikki..it has been an HONOR for me to get to know all of you!

      much love,
      Linni



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Paris Mano wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • Hi Linni,
      I read your blog and understand how you must feel...overwhelmed with everything. What concerns me was about your ex and the comment about he would find out where you live.
      I don’t mean to be bossy but please be careful. I am sure you are always aware that things can happen that we do not expect and if you feel threatened at all get a court order protective order.
      I have a permanent one against my ex. It was valid for 6 months and then the judge reconsidered it after that time and made it permanent. In the haste of my ex during our divorce getting even with me and harrassing me, his attorney forgot to get the pto dropped in the divorce decree. That was a blessing for me because he stalked me after that and I had recourse against him. Even to this day I do not know where he is but always wonder where he is lurking. He disguised himself one time and came to a car show that I was at. Funny thing is I could feel his presence! So please be careful....yes get yourself medication for the stress but be aware for your safety. Things do happen. I will keep you in my prayers and God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.
      Paris



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jomi wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • Linni, You have so many things coming at you all at once!
      You need to relax and heal, love!
      I was so depressed last Wed. that I was contemplating suicide...I went to my bible and started reading John. I feel so much better. I could feel God working in my spirit right away.
      Prioritize...right now you need to come first for a bit. Your kids will be ok. They know what you do for them, it’s’ time they help their Momita out for a week or two!
      Prayers are being said for you.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cindylouwho1966 wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • Jomi, don’t you dare go there! There are all kinds of support groups and help, along with the bible. Make sure when you are feeling that desperate you at least log on here and let us know. We’ll get you through.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • parismano i honestly am not worried.. yes, i know things can always change, and i am keeping that in my mind at all times...

      monnalissa, you are right! we do pray for him, afterall, thats what we are supposed to do.. its a hard thing for me, however, i want to set a good example for my children!

      Jomi, like Lu said.. please never feel like there is no hope.. we are here for you, ALWAYS!

      love you all!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • Jomi- are you okay - do you want to have a rant - remember you have a load of ears here to listen.

      Is there anything any of us can do ?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jomi wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • I’m ok girls...I had a lot to deal with...the boys were driving me absolutely nuts over their Christmas break! They took over the house and my hubby didn’t care.
      I took the last one back to college yesterday....wahoo!
      Today I am enjoying, yes I said enjoying, getting some housework and laundry done.
      It’s peaceful here and I don’t have to tip toe around because they are not here sleeping in the living room.
      I love all of you!!!!! I love this site..I’m addicted!! When I start to feel like that all I have to think about are my kids....I can’t leave them like that..but it’s hard when you get that low.
      Thank you for your support!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • Jomi - just remember you have a pile of Fab40 ladies here at your call 24/7 so don’t feel down just log on and rant xxxxxx - remember while the US sleeps I’m keeping watch in the UK



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • we love ya lady! im glad you are feeling better!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jomi wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • Linni...I am hoping that you feel better!
      I’m still praying for you!



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