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"Why does he masturbate when he's in a relationship?"
I get this question at SexyPrime several times a week from women all over the world. (I am happy to say that my blog is read in over 100 countries!) A girlfriend discovers that her "wonderful new boyfriend" jerks off to porn" when they aren't together. Like Charlotte in a "Sex and the City" episode, a wife catches her man pleasuring himself. She's appalled.
"What does it mean if he masturbates to ugly porn?"
It means he is a guy. They masturbate. Mostly in the modern age, they masturbate to cyberporn, a lot of which is ugly and not to our tastes.
Women often believe that a couple in a relationship should not masturbate. They view self-pleasuring as a failure of “intimacy“—even “cheating.” Sometimes wives issue the ultimatum: “Hand or me.” So he is forced into the role of lying, cheating husband now—with his own hand.
Ladies, masturbation is normal and healthy—and you should be doing it too.
Masturbating to porn is only a relationship issue when:
Masturbating to porn takes up most of a man's sexlife time . His partner is frustrated beause they aren't having sex very often. She feels neglected and sexually abandoned.
The man is getting all his sex education from porn . Thus they believe that all women orgasm from intercoure alone. And anal sex is something he can "slip in." (Real life behind the anal porn flick scene: The girls had enemas the night before the shoot, wore a butt plug for hours to open their anal sphnicter muscles, squirted syringes full of lube up their anuses. But it still hurts when a large cock rams hard and fast into her.)
He expects you to become the actress in his porn fantasies.
Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you own one another’s sexuality. You should complain if your needs aren’t being met, if he masturbates to the point where he has little or no interest in having sex with you, if he tries to act out porn fantasies you find distatsteful in your bed.
You don’t have to look, dress, behave or fake like a porn star.
BUT you can’t tell him he isn’t allowed to masturbate as long as he’s in a relationship with you. Let him have his porn. You have great vibes. Play on your own now and then.
Some women say they are willing to accept a man masturbating to his “imagination“, preferably memories of them, rather than porn.
Think about it. Where does he get the images in his “imagination?” Sometimes from memory, sometimes from fantasizing sex with your best friend or even your mother, sometimes from his inner porn file.
Women like the idea of him using his imagination vs. porn because they can pretend his mental images are more romantic than they probably are. Some women and a few therapists/researchers have concluded that men who watch a lot of porn require increasingly harder material to become aroused and ejaculate. That may be true. Or not. I am searching for reliable porn studies and will get back to you on that.
Why do some other women "endorse masturbation" but feel angry and resentful about men masturbating to porn?
Two reasons:
1. The desire many women have to control sex in the relationship.
Historically in nearly every culture, women have controlled men through the withholding or dispensing of sex and men have controlled women through the withholding or dispensing of money. The Sex/Money status quo has been shaken up rather a lot in our time, but the mentality still persists even in empowered women. The belief that he should not be doing anything with his dick that you don’t approve is endorsed by The Relationship/Therapy Industrial Complex—all those therapists and workshop leaders and relationship coaches and authors and their emphasis on “working on the relationship.” (Yech. One of my least favorite terms.)
So. You will let him masturbate but only in the approved way.
2. A lot of porn is truly degrading to women.
Who wants to believe that her wonderful BF is turned on by double anal penetration or several men jerking off on a woman’s face? That is the inherent conflict in his porn/her relationship. The porn makes you angry because you personalize it; and your resent its powerful effect on him.
A woman in her thirties recently told me that she and her girlfriends are turned off to sex and find men in their age group both “flat and lacking passion and oddly misogynistic.” She asks: Does porn make them hate women or do they watch that porn because they hate women?
Most men don’t hate women.
A feminist against porn lectured me on the subject recently. (We were at a cocktail party; and she kept following me around until I was rescued by a gorgeous boy.) “Doesn’t Western culture construct female sexuality—and isn’t porn part of the construct?” she asked.
Doesn’t every culture construct and constrict female sexuality? And male sexuality, though in different ways?
Yes, porn does seem to play a part in how women define their sexuality now. The “girls gone wild” phenomenon—young women dressing provocatively and acting out sexually—was likely inspired in part by porn and fueled by x-rated imagery on the web. You, however, are smart enough to make your own choices about your sex life. You might decide it would be fun to have sex in your stilettos because you saw it in a film, but you don’t have to do that or anything else.
I would assert that organized religion has constructed and constricted female sexuality more than porn has (or ever could.)
And to answer my quetion to you: No, he isn’t cheting on you when he masturbates to porn. But what do you think?
I think it’s very normal and also necessary. I do it but don’t need porn to get myself off. I have a very high sex drive.
My 1st response to your title was NO. And after reading this article it’s still NO.
I am completely fine if he wants to watch porn and masterbate. I am not fine if it replaces our sexual relationship.
I will say that MY sphnicter muscles completely closed up at your description. OUCH!
lol vicki! oh,my!
No i don’t believe he’s cheating on me.Masturbate is a normal & healthy activity for females & males. Eye candy is good to see but always come home to eat!
Here’s a quote for you, Vikki (compliments of Charlie, on 2 1/2 Men)
“My sphincter muscle slammed shut so fast, i could have used it as a cigar cutter!”
I have no problem with the masturbation, not threatened at all, I assume my husband does it from time to time, and we have a pretty active sex life. I remember telling both my boys that it was perfectly natural...keep kleenex in your room...their looks were something between embarassment and relief!
not so much...
hey if i could see josh holloway naked...hmmmmm
Please vote for my kiddos
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Ha! Touche‘!
God I can’t wait until I HAVE a sex life again. lol... this can’t be normal.....
LOL
You Fab40 babes are so much fun.
The best part of posting a column is reading your comments.....
I am STILL laughing at the cigar cutter remark.....
My ex-husband was a porn addict. To describe the compromising positions I found him in and the raw disgust of the hard corn pornography he watched still makes me sick to my stomach. It’s one thing to masturbate and it’s another thing to masturbate looking at something sexy, but it’s a totally different story (in my book) to use hard core porn. My ex stepped over the line with his addiction as mentioned above, he wasn’t interested in the real thing toward the middle to end of our marriage.
Also, I believe pornography can desensitize a man as he becomes more engrossed, he unconsciously starts believing that all women should look like an air brushed, perfectly proportioned, fabulously beautiful touched up model.
I would love to know where God would draw the line on this subject.. (as I am smiling, I am absolutely serious)
My answer is going to be “Maybe”
Good question!
cyn
Ya, I would definately say that masturbation from time to time is good as long as it doesn’t affect your own sexual relationship....
However, like Cyn...I am kind of in that same situation, only still married and have not caught him in any disgusting positions, but have seen his “stash” of self help aides...so to speak.
I think that God draws the line when they become so involved and so selfish that they stop sharing that part of themselvs with you. When porn becomes more important than being with your spouse....when they become so selfish they make up the most insane lies to withold from you.
when porn becomes more important than your marriage.....
ummm and by the way...what would they use lipstick for?
lol
Well, my husband has done it of course, as man has, but he was into porn when he was young and says it is controlling, addictive. That is one reason he doesn’t like masturbation but has used I am sure when I had health problems. I on the other hand have no problem with it. I do not have to imagine anything and it certainly does not get in the way of sex with my husband on the contrary. I am a Christian and people messed up what God wanted with sex. It is for you own good to have a monogamous relationship, as you can see in the rise in sexually transmitted disease. Abortion, teen pregnancy, and they said abortion would make every child a wanted child. as we have seen it is far from that now. Child abuse, divorced families, etc. Every person I know was affected by their parents divorce even when they divorced after the children were adults! God says in the husband and wife relationship to do it and do it frequently! He said not to deny each other and that works both ways. My husband goes to great lengths to steer clear of porn, as in internet blocks, unplugging and returning the remote to the front desk or putting it in the truck of the car, etc when he traveled. But, we as women will never like the difference that makes men lust at pretty women. Men are made to be attracted to women physically. As my husband says, it is what God wants for men, so he knows to resist the temptation to lust.
Elaine
Focus on Life Not Food
I know I’m young for this website as I am 25, but my “fiance” has admitted to having this problem, has said he needed it to be more hardcore as he got older and I have found videos of guys shoving brooms and nerf footballs into women’s vaginas. I think it can be a bigger problem than a lot of women realize. It is like a secret world that he separates from me, and he doesn’t seem sexually attracted to me in the slightest, or anyone for that matter. He prefers porn and anal (I didn’t know this until 2 years into our relationship). I told him from the very beginning I would never do that and he tried “the slip” once (not a slip so much as trying to ram it in) and I punched him in the face. I know that sounds harsh and I have never hit anyone before but I felt so violated, disrespected, and to be honest, I felt like he raped me. It was very painful and I am glad I reacted the way I did. Can’t wait to find a real man!!! haha!
Oh, so my opinion in this poll: I think masturbating to porn is okay if that is something that your partner is honest about and it is not outside the boundaries of what the woman is comfortable with. And, of course, the woman must be taken care of sexually otherwise, turn off the computer dirtbag.
Elizabeth,
I would love it if you’d write to my on my blog:
http://www.sexyprime.typepad.com
I would like to turn your situation into a question for the Monday column, “Ask Auntie Sue“—where I channel my inner Auntie Mame of Sex and give advice.
Best,
SCB
PS He deserved the face punch :)
Sure, but I’m not quite sure where you want me to write to you at. Specific topic page? Should I just copy and paste? Let me know.
Attach as a comment to one of the Ask Auntie Sue columns!
I just posted it as a comment under ‘what is sexyprime?’ I hope that’s okay, you can repost it wherever you need it.
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