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I have been doing some deep soul searching lately, and feel that my own convictions about giving and “forgetting oneself” is  proving to be a springboard for others who wish to take advantage of my kindness.

It seems to me that I have become a magnet for those who are looking for the free handout and am finding it difficult to say “no” when they come asking.

Why is there such conflict going on inside me? Well, because I was brought up to believe it’s a good thing to give to others. It’s a Christian thing to forget yourself. It’s laudable to “go the extra mile” and “turn the other cheek when you are slapped by someone“.

Well, I am wondering, now; has this become the platform for my own problems. My desire to be pleasing to God, as I have been taught is pleasing to God, has led me into some very traumatic life-changing experiences.

I have given to family members, friends and strangers; and, for all this have experienced many eye opening realities.

Many who claimed to be my friends were merely looking for how I can help them get further on along their road to success. Some, who have more then I have even, have used the “we are family” idea and asked for things that really they should not have asked for.

My own desire not to hurt anyone has kept me from saying things that  I should say; like: “No” .

I am a bundled up mess at the moment; but am seeking the help of an expert to get me out of this mess. It’s not easy admitting that you can’t undo the mess yourself. Moreover, it’s not easy admiting you need help. There is a stigma society puts on those who seek counseling or admit they may suffer from some emotional weakness.

Although, I  am working toward a degree in psychology; I  need to ask the guidance of a professional in this field; isn’t this a irony? Yet, what better resource to fall back on then that of personal experience.

I hope some day to reach out to others who have suffered at the hands of abusers and users. Once I have found wholeness, myself, I hope to extend it to others.

Yes, I am weak, I am vulnerable, I am too giving; but.. I am on the path to healing, strenght and wholeness.

If you are reading this and find that you are struggling with your own weaknesses; don’t be afraid to seek the help of a health professional . It’s ok to say you are weak; that you are not able to handle the situation you are going through. Sometimes those outside of the situation have a better view then those in the middle of it.


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