MARY‘S TAKE:

I don't think I've come across a person, at least an honest person, who doesn't have something that has a bit of a grip on them.   They do too much of it, they're obsessed with it, addicted, attached to...whether it be work, exercise, tobacco, drugs, food, the Internet, posting to OS, making comments on OS.... you know what I mean.

For me, it was my favorite daily Chardonnay.  I could write an entire book on the relationship between wine and women.  In fact I am.  Wine is the caregiver, the nurturer, the one who understands at the end of a long day of taking care of the children, the spouse, the job, the boss, the bills, the world.

My relationship with Chardonnay was healthy for a while.  But as happens to so many women, as we age, the wine doesn't work the way it used to.  For me, let's just say that the wine and I had a personality clash.  Something had to go, and I decided since it wasn't going to be me, it was time to say goodbye to my good friend.

However, nothing is black and white and I have some funny memories from "back in the day".  

Several years ago, I was going to spend the evening with my husband and children celebrating my birthday.

My well loved but wicked older sister had recently introduced me to LEMON DROPS...some kind of vodka drink.  I've always stayed away from hard alcohol.  My father had a daily ritual of drinking gin and tonics and it is safe to say that he had a personality clash with them as well.  He would become mean, abrupt and unpredictable.  I wanted nothing to do with that.

But it was my birthday and I was feeling festive.  I ignored the fact that I was hormonal, tired and prickly.  I ignored the fact that no kind of alcohol was good for me under these conditions.  It was my birthday and I deserved to have some fun.

I had several glasses of wine.  I was feeling happy and relaxed.  What the heck?  I'm going to get one of those delicious refreshing LEMON DROPS.

Drinking one of those is as easy as sucking an oyster out of its shell, and feeling it slide down your throat.  

It wasn't long afterwards that I suddenly turned into BIRTHDAY WIFE/MOTHER FROM HELL.  I made no sense, I took everything personally, I became argumentative and accusatory.  I drove my innocent family away.

At the time, I didn't have the perspective or the sobriety to see this. I  honestly believed my husband and children were the evil culprits.

Once home, I decided to go downstairs and watch TV to get away from my malicious tormentors.

As I was about to turn on the TV, I heard my husband, the sadistic man, coming down the stairs.  What could I do?  I made the most rational sober choice a person could do.

I HID BEHIND THE COUCH.

So, here I am behind the couch. He sits on the couch that I am hiding behind.  He is sitting there reading the newspaper.

I am thinking to myself, "Ok, you have really lost it.  You are now hiding behind a couch.  You really need to examine this whole wine drinking/lemon drop guzzling episode, because you are HIDING BEHIND A COUCH."

I began to seriously worry about my mental stability.  I also had my pride.  I had to figure out what to do, given my hidden status, without looking like a complete lunatic.  So, I made a decision.  I've always wanted to be a spy.  

 I BECAME A SPY.

 I pretended to be invisible.  I learned to breathe as if I was a master Zen Buddhist.   I went completely undetected.

Every part of my body had gone to sleep.  My husband continued to sit happily on the couch.

I became tired of being a spy.  My muscles ached, my head was pounding, my mouth was dry.

So, I did what any normal person would do who has overindulged on wine and drink.

I nonchalantly come out from behind the couch and gave my husband an icy cold stare.  My piercing eyes were looking right through him.

His startled expression let me know he had no idea I had been hiding behind the couch.

This is when I went from being a spy to being an actress.

I looked at him as if he was the crazy one.

I strode confidently by him as I said, "DUH...I was just pretending to be a spy."

That was the last time I ever drank lemon drops.

Mary

LORRAINE‘S TAKE:

Mary,

That story is very funny............shows that you have imagination even in the midst of intoxication.

I was just thinking that it was too bad that while you were playing the "I SPY" role under the couch there was no fun "intelligence gathering" ......like the hubbie scratching a private part or some outrageous shout-outs tourette style.   Then you really would have seen a deer-in-the-headlights expression. As for myself.........I will add to and finish your sentence:

After getting way too drunk at a wedding reception...I did what any normal person would do who has overindulged on wine and drink........I threw up the whole next day.

Lorraine