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Sometimes I cannot figure myself out. Although I am a strong woman. I pride myself on structure, consistency and getting the job done in the business world. There is just something about having the finance talk with my live-in partner.

I’m a single Mom of 4 boys. I own the house, pay all the bills and groceries. I work full-time, volunteer, and am a DYI‘er for almost any project. I cook, clean, etc.

The problem is - he talks the talk, but does not always live up to walking the walk. What is fair to ask a man to chip in for living expenses?  

Any suggestions?



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Goingon21 wrote Sep 19, 2008
    • There is alot of factors. Through the years and relationships I have found you own the house hes not married and goiing to pay for a house that another man is going to get when kids are grown and you kick him to the curb.3 men same story didnt let em move in. It could also be something small we navigate by intuition and fellings men have to be just plain out told. My daughter wants her boyfriend to clean when he gets home from work before her. She tells him look around see what needs to be done and do it. He comes home thinks house looks good enough goes on computer. This is the start of a war... then she tried it moms way honey throw a load of clothes in run the vacuum. She comes home no war...This also applies to bedroom men just dont guess or read minds we do...Have along talk you need to know where his head is at.. then be honest to him and yourself goodluck



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Sep 19, 2008
    • What if you were to add up all the things he has access to for free that he would otherwise have to pay for; food, housecleaning service, rent, etc...?

      Would you feel different about having that talk?

      I feel it’s even just a matter of respect that he attempt to pay for something or pull his weight in sweat equity.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Becca wrote Sep 19, 2008
    • Hi Goingon21 - the guy gave me a ring last year. So I believe he has the intentions of being around for a while. He is 45 years old and knows the things that need to be done around the house, I’m pretty open about that. Do you think it is fair to ask for rent and help pay for some of the utilities?

      It’s not like I’m wanting a free ride because I started over and bought the house before he came along. I just don’t think it is fair that he get’s a free ride either.

      Thanks for your thoughts...I am all for NO WAR! lol
      Becca



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Becca wrote Sep 19, 2008
    • Hi Chocolatier - I have done the rundown of expenses for the household. I have not done a - what I do that you’d normally pay for rundown.

      How would you put a value on things like that? The guy makes 2 times the amount I do, but his children aren’t living with us.  I guess I’m trying to be fair, but respected.

      I never would want to be considered greedy in a relationship.  Thanks for your thoughts!  Becca



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Sep 19, 2008
    • I can understand what you‘re saying. If he is a caring and loving emotional partner, then that alone would speak volumes.

      I just have to share this. My first husband used to insist that taking out the garbage was his job and then never did it. I left subtle hints like putting the trash bag by the garage door and then not so subtle hints like putting it next to his car in the morning. Still he insisted that he would take it out and then never did. One morning I strapped the trash bag in the passenger seat of his car with the seat belt. He got into the car, we both burst out laughing and he took out the trash from that moment on.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Becca wrote Sep 19, 2008
    • That was pretty funny Chocolatier! hahahaha  good one!!  

      I am trying to teach my children to be responsible, accountable...etc.  But sometimes I just feel like I have another kid in the house that I have to instruct or take care of instead of having a partner.

      I really think he would do anything for me. It’s just I’m not sure what century he would do it in..lol  I need to really figure out how this can work where I don’t feel like a Mother to him.

      Finances are tough - trying to raise 4 kids on my own and still have something to call my own - I feel is a great accomplishment after loosing everything I had in a 16 year marriage.  

      I have that little person on my shoulder saying in my ear...“becca if he put that ring on your finger, he can pull his weight with the bills too”  I guess it is easier to think how it should be than say it outloud.  Perhaps I am just trying to avoid confrontation?

      Sometimes I think I just need a good kick in the behind! lol



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mary Clark wrote Sep 21, 2008
    • All I can say is....before I put any ring on my finger...he would have to be paying for something if he is living with you.  Why do you think things will change when you get married?  I certainly wouldn’t think they would.  If you have to spell it out for him NOW...what do you think you will have to do when you‘re married?  

      Thank God...my husband does take out the trash...even when I don’t ask and he vacuums  when I don’t ask him too.  He cooks...even when I don’t ask him too....but he doesn’t do laundry (once in a while) and he doesn’t clean bathrooms  or dust...but he would if I asked him to.  I really have nothing to complain about.  

      But really think about all of this before you get hitched....

      funny story chocolatier....love the trash..LOL



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Goingon21 wrote Sep 25, 2008
    • I love the ring I have 4 sons ages 37-Imarried his father when he was 10 - 31 29 24- They all play the ring card its like an anti-bitch bone. they give it shes happy. they dont have to adjust bad habits or go through with actual marriage they can even buy time with types of rings. You have the promise ring, the i love you its a holiday and the big rings coming. The we cant afford a wedding right now ring. The we have to finish school ring.  I have helped pick out and purchase some rings as the mommy doesnt think hes ready yet ring. Downsize what it is you want for your dreamy wedding and just do it. Then his money is your money. I made my own wedding with crystal i got from thrift stores for a dollar..Most states when you marry everything is one. one bank account one bill.....then its his house if he starts to run thats okay youll find someone that wont...



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Becca wrote Sep 25, 2008
    • Thank Goingon21,
      Me and the Mr. had a talk last evening. He wasn't surprised that I am more than disappointed in things here. And, the sad part is, he just sits there, says nothing. When I ask how would he feel if he had the house, the bills etc and I decided to just live there - pay nothing and act as if everything he had was mine......he goes and said "it wouldn't make me happy." THATS IT? We hardly talked after that discussion. He probably is just letting me cool down and continue his ways. Well, I am looking at life a little differntly these days. I made it though an abusive marriage - went back to school to get a second degree - have honor students -- I know I can get through this too!
      I guess I just needed the encouragement and faith!...
      Have a great day!!  Becca



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Dianne67 wrote Sep 26, 2008
    • Hi Becca-

      I absolutely think that he should be paying his fair share.  It does get tricky since you have to account for the fact that you have children that are living there.  I guess you need to put them in the financial equation.  

      When I moved to PA, I chose an apartment that would be large enough for my boyfriend and me.  It was hundreds more than I initially planned on spending.  At the time, he had his own place.  He could not get out of his agreement and had to pay for his apartment from Dec-June, even though he was living with me.  During that time, I paid for the place alone.  We now split things 50/50 pretty much.  I did feel resentful during that time because it drained me of all the money I had to cover my health insurance and other expenses.  He makes up for it now by paying the grocery bills most of the time.  I return the favor though by paying when we go out to eat.

      He is 8 years younger and has debt.  Once my home is sold in NJ, I will be in a much better financial position.  I would be able to buy a home with the money with only a small mortgage since the price here is less than NJ.  However, I am too ill to work so I need to live off the money also.  I settled my divorce with a lump sum rather than alimony.  I figured I would remarry so it would be better to take less money upfront.  

      I know that before I marry him we will have all the financial details worked out.  I have learned that nothing is forever.  

      So, what I am saying is work it out so that you are happy and not carrying the burden.  You know what is best for you.  I give you credit for being financially secure; but that does not mean you need to carry the load.

      Hugs-
      Dianne



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Becca wrote Sep 28, 2008
    • Hi Dianne,
      Sometimes I just feel like I am being taken advantage of. Okay, most times. I seem to be the provider and supply everything for him to have a comfortable lifestyle even though he makes 2x’s my salary.  

      I cannot say I am financially secure, I just know if I don’t pay the bills they will take the house, shut off the utilities. He never has any money for some reason. ughh.. that is where I have problems.

      He is a nice guy - sometimes to share in a partnership, it has to be more than == just a nice guy.

      Perhaps that is why it is difficult fo rme. He is a nice guy - but why isn’t he sharing the load - that is the question of the century.... lol

      I have a lot to think about and how to handle this situation before it goes on longer.

      Thanks for the vent...lol



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mary Clark wrote Sep 28, 2008
    • Becca...I really do feel you will make the right decision.  I can tell you are on the right track.  I think that you are attached to him somewhat and it’s a comfort zone in a weird way.  If  you get rid of him for good...then...there is NO support whatsoever.  It’s you and you alone. He might not give you financial support...but in another way....it’s another adult body in the house.  BUT....you have got to take control of your life.  It’s time to move on....and think about Becca...and your kids.  You are going into the unknown...and it is scary.  But guess what...YOU CAN DO THIS.  Just look in your mirror and say to yourself...“I DESERVE MORE..AND I DESERVE BETTER!”  Say that (3) times a day....and MEAN IT.  

      Good luck...and I’ll check on ya during the week......and know too....I’ll be praying as well.



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