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About 4 months ago something happened to me that changed my Life. I was being attacked emotionally and physically due to circumstances that were beyond my control. At the time I was struggling because I felt like I was dying. Let me be clear. I felt like I was underwater and everything around me was muffled. I remember my natural vision being impaired and everything looked cloudy to me. I felt a panic and an urgency in my body and spirit and it seemed like there was so much noise in my head. I could not shake it off. I knew all the power scriptures and words to say. I knew the books to read for encouragement and I knew the music to listen to that would make me feel better but nothing and I mean nothing was working.  I was frustrated and angry at myself because I felt like I was weak even though I was trying desperately to move forward in my life. I remember that night when I sat down in my favorite chair so tired emotionally and physically. I whispered some words to God. “God what is going on?” “Am I being punished for something?” “Did I do something wrong?” “What do you want God!” “Why can’t I shake this off please help me!” I must have fell asleep because I remember waking up to what I think was the voice of the lord narrating a vision that he was showing me of my own life. If any of you ever read the learn more about me link of my life, you would know that I have survived many serious things. I know it was because of the Lord that I am here today. God showed me myself as I endure those traumas. I said to God. “Lord I went THROUGH, GOT OVER, and PUT THE STUFF behind me a long time ago” Why must I relive these things? What am I suppose to be looking for? In the the vision God told me to turn around and LOOK BACK so I did. When I turned around I saw a whole lot of blocks, they looked like cinder blocks. Some where big and some where small but they were everywhere. I was stuck. I just stared at them trying to figure things out. As I looked closer they had words on them. The words were ABUSE, RAPE, CHILD out of WEDLOCK, MENTAL ISSUES, INCEST, CHURCH HURTS, REJECTION, RAGE, ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, TRUST ISSUES, PRIDE and a few more. Each block had it’s own word. These randomly scattered blocks were all behind me and I asked God what this meant. He softly said to me “You are right Cocco, you have gone through, got over and put much stuff behind you but you never really dealt with them.” I remember feeling heavy for a moment. What do you mean Lord? God said to me You never dealt with these things in your past. Instead you just went through them, got over them and put them in your past. It is because you didn’t deal with these things that the people who love you are now distant. As God spoke that to me I looked pass the stones on the floor and saw my family and friends in a distant trying to reach me. Some of them were jumping the stones. Others were tripping over the stones. Some of my friends were just standing at the end yelling to me but they were so far away that I couldn’t hear what they were saying. I began to cry to myself while asking God for help. What do I need to do? God said to me that I have lived my life in Survival mode. I thought I was living but I really wasn’t. I was just on the move to bigger and better things, which was okay. The problem was that when I didn’t deal with the other things that I have come through it left a mess in the path that he had me clearing for others to follow. I had to turn around, go back and pick up those things and put them where they belonged.  I would be lying if I said that this part of my journey was easy. It has not been easy. I made a decision that night to turn around. No matter how much I didn’t want to face some of the things that I had to go back and relive it was absolutely necessary
The path that I was clearing was cluttered with all my junk and the way was becoming unclear for others. Sometimes I hate it but I have to look at my past. Make peace with the past hurts and file it where it goes so that no one trips, detours, gets lost or gives up on their journey. I encourage you ladies that if things are not all that you want them to be right now in your lives turn around. Are there things there that has caused you to become someone that you don’t like very much? Are there things there that are causing people to stumble? Are there things that could come back and haunt you? No one knows but you. I will tell you this. Every since I begun this journey my life has been so much better. It has been hard sometimes because I’ve had to relive somethings but when I was finished crying over it and making peace with it. I through it off the path. Throwing it off the path doesn’t mean that I forget it, because I don’t. It is there on the side for the people that need it to see. They see it and know that someone can empathize, help and walk with them because they have been there. My family is doing 100% better and we are closer now. I am 100% better and my Husband is 100% better because of the new strength I have found. My walk is not as lonely now because the people who love and care about me are able to be right there with me. They are closer to me and walking with me on this wonderful journey that we call life. It doesn’t matter how young or old you may be your life begins everyday that you wake up. The question is what do you want out of LIFE? Your life is not over until you close your eyes never to open them again. Until that time LIVE your life! It is everyday and it is NOW. You may be feeling like you just can’t do it but I declare and decree that YOU CAN! Your life can and will change in a MOMENT. That is all it takes really just a moment. A moment for you to decide that you will LIVE. You will be the best you that you can be but in order to do that it starts with you looking back. Be blessed and LIVE abundantly. Share your Love and your light.
Blessings
Cocco



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Mar 17, 2009
    • I am speechless and I totally understand.  Believe me, I understand.  You have a great spiritual journey.  Thank you for sharing.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Fraz764 wrote Mar 17, 2009
    • Cocco, this is an awesome testamony.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Almostfive0 wrote Mar 23, 2009
    • Thank you for sharing your story Cocco.
      I have been on my own journey of discovery and can relate to living in “survival mode“.  

      I have learned that we not only need to know what those things are in our past that hold us back from achieving our highest good, we have to work to reclaim those bits and pieces of our spirit that may have splintered or broken off along the way.
      We need only to take the lesson from the experience, feel the emotion in it but not become it.

      This is a process to be nurtured daily. It is not about living or being stuck in the past but repairing our wounds, loving who we are, and moving forward so that we can truly be present in this moment.
      All is well.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Apr 4, 2009
    • This is an amazing testimony – your an awesome woman Cocco



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Deb Darby wrote Apr 29, 2009
    • Thank you for this, Cocco. Some would say to forget what is behind, like the scripture. I think this is true; but only once we HAVE dealt with those things back there.

      I’d like to share my son’s music with you. One of my favorites of his is called “Look Back“. His newest is called “Stuck“. They‘re both written from his, mine and his dad’s experiences.

      www.myspace.com/darbstar1

      Enjoy.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Richardson wrote Apr 29, 2009
    • Cocco again "Happy Birthday"  to you today, and also to say girl this has truly ministered to me today thank you and thank GOD for allowing you to share it with us, you never know who you're going to touch with you life and guess what? You did it with me! happy



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Magnolia wrote Apr 29, 2009
    • Cocco, I want to wish you Happy Birthday first of all! estatic

      Wow!!! Cocco what an experience for you!  I myself have been doing alot of soul searching recenty of my own. For the most part my life has been very difficult for me these last 15 years or so. I have learned that what I have experienced has made me a much stronger person in my faith. My faith is what matters most to me now. Had I not had my faith I wouldn’t be here today. Thanks so much for sharing this with all of us.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marilyn09 wrote Jun 30, 2009
    • I know you wrote this months ago- but I am new to fab40. As I am checking out your page I read your blog.
      When I read the term “survival mode” it made me think of this conversation with my mother in law months ago after someone close verbally offended me and I told her that of course I forgive her.

       I remembered my her saying something to the effect like “Marilyn, its not good enough to just forgive- You have to give it to Jesus and let. it. go. And just love” (and she was so serious)  like...Whatever the pain- its just not healthy to keep around. “You have to give it away to Jesus and forget about it- let him deal with it”  (I picture her making her statement with a fist, lightly hitting the table with it)

      (so since you understand that we all feel things for a reason) Could it be possible that God didn’t want you to organize your mess- But for you to come clean of ‘IT‘?  like.. ‘there is no brick’ I gave my bricks to Jesus. (of course you have to forgive it like you said) you cant give him an unforgiven brick. but do you think that its possible that you have to completely give him the brick- without hanging on to it.  (and is it possible that there is no need to showcase the bricks so that others know how well you understand)
      If I am butting in- just tell me to butt out okay?

      anyhoo- I do love reading your writings- always a joy to stop at your picture to see what you said.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lilwhitedaisy wrote Aug 11, 2009
    • WOW what a spiritually moving experience. I think we all have things in our past that we need to move on from, Christ took on those things that we are not proud of..by not letting them go we are saying his sacrifice wasnt enough. Life is a long hard road but the end of the journey is going to be oh so worth it. I had a similar experience many years ago, so sad was i that i was praying thru my sobs...i felt alone and unloved and ready to end my life ..when i felt that i had been lifted up and then sat back down, i truly felt peace and for some reason felt that had i lifted my face up i would have looked into the face of Christ...all i do know for sure is though that i was wrapped in a warmth of love that just filled me.



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