This morning I arrived home after taking my son to school and “participated” with my daughter’s father.  During the after-shower a new realization hit me which I can admit, I’m not happy with the results—especially the way it made me feel.

When I was young and sexy, I turned a lot of heads, and didn’t even realize how attractive I was until I looked back later.  But, what I did have was “lust” and lots of it!  As I matured I fell deeply “in love” and would have done anything for the man of my dreams—anything.  Unfortunately, the “anything” I would have been willing to sacrifice wasn’t in the cards because he began to experiment with other men.  

For years I allowed myself to feel stomped on and unappreciated, struggling with the results of that occurrence.  The men I’ve chosen to be with (I believe I subconsciously know) I choose as either a punishment or to struggle to overcome before dumping.  

At these later stages in my life I’m aware of manipulating and using power to control.  I feel as if I can control others, I’m somehow taking control of my own life.  Unfortunately, I am aware that this path is a very lonely road which leads to nothing...  On the other hand, at least I know what I’m up against.

Putting this aside, if I concentrate wholeheartedly on my kids, I feel as if I’m doing something positive and worthwhile.

Do you think this is an illness or a temporary coping mechanism?