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I write this slowly because I want each word to count.  I want to be careful in what I say and how I say it.  I feel like I'm walking through the house in the middle of the night, trying not to wake anyone up.  I can't quite believe I'm thinking, feeling and saying this, but it's all real.  I know it is.

All of a sudden, it's become very clear to me.  I'm able to say for the first time in months, I've had a break through.  I know this.  I won't be funny about this and say "drum roll, please" because this is not one of those moments where humor seems appropriate.  At the same time, I'm not in a "heavy" mood where life seems overwhelming, where I'm disappointed in myself, where this is depressing and overwhelming.  It simply is.  It is what it is.

Here's what I've come up with:  I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.

It's been six months since I started this process.  I gave myself one year to either "figure it out" or "accept what I do".  The latter fell by the wayside rather quickly (and with much joy all around).  The former is, sad to say, nowhere in sight.

I've tried to tell myself I've found what I want to do.  I haven't.  I still don't know.  I honestly have no idea.  I know what I like, but I'm not at the point where I can say I want to, much less know how to take what I like and turn it into a career.

Even more to the point, I realize now this process, half way through by my own schedule, has given me real insight into who I am and why I am who I am. I'm in no way close to being done working through this process, but I have hope and faith I will come through on the other end.  This is so atypical of how I normally respond to situations like this that I have to sit up and take hold of this positivity.  (Is that a word?)

For that, I'm grateful.  For my writing group, I'm grateful.  For my friends, I'm grateful.  For Gavin who said tonight, "Just chill" I'm grateful.  For Godfry who comes up behind me and says, "So, how are you doing?" and works out the knots in my shoulders, I'm grateful.  For Bruno who kicks me in the pants, I'm grateful.  For Colette who makes so much sense, I'm grateful.  For Helena who always seems to know just what to say, I'm grateful.  For Grace and Adrienne who are going through the same thing, with no end in sight, I'm grateful.  For Hannah, my shrink, who listens to me with amazing patience, I'm grateful.  For the women on-line who appeared out of nowhere, I’m grateful.  For Brutus, who doesn't return my calls unless I'm in absolute, dire need, I'm grateful.  For Ed who is always there when I need to vent, I'm grateful.  For Jai and Susannah who said, "you should blog!" I'm grateful.  Then, there are people I'm not grateful for, and I'm glad I'm able to say that now.

I have no idea what I'm doing, but I have faith I will come through this.  It's not the kind of faith built on any belief system.  It's more an instinctive knowing of something to come.  I told Gavin tonight, I'm taking a month off from this search.  I'm quite frankly, totally exhausted.  This constant thinking is for the birds.  I need to sit back and enjoy the month of December and let everything just be.  No more manic "I have to figure this out!" mode.  No more pressure on myself to put a square peg into a round hole.  ("But you really do want to do this!")  No.  I'm going to slow down.  I'm going to let myself feel.  Who knows.  That may bring an entirely different sort of break through.

***
I’m so grateful to have found this site.  You have no idea.  You’ve brought a sense of calm and lightness to this whole process, and I’m truly grateful for that.

Feel free to read more about this whole mid-life crisis at www.stellababette.wordpress.com.

Stella



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Coachmombabe wrote Dec 1, 2008
    • I love Eureka!  moments! Keep us posted on your journey!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Amy L. Harden wrote Dec 1, 2008
    • YEAH!!! This IS an AHA! moment for you!  Learning how to go with the flow of a Mid-life tranisition or crisis, while being grounded in gratitude for everything in your life will open doors and windows that were there...but you never were able to see before.  What you have described is exactly what I tell the ladies AND the men over on Women in MLC...Be gentle with yourself!  I guess saying this is a rather obscure statement when your brain is whirling with the thoughts that occur at this time...but in the end it is exactly that...Being gentle, wrapping yourself in gratitude and affirming what you know to be true about yourself and the life you are presently living....while allowing yourself to be excited about the possibilities in the future.  This is the time that you can truly take care of YOU!  

      John Assaraf talks about this in this fashion...think of your life experience as if you are a surfer.  If you are constantly fighting the pull of the ocean, you will never catch a wave...you will always be fighting the pull of  life’s tide...go with the flow of life...waiting in calmer seas for the right wave is okay...because when you see the right wave...paddle in to it...you will have prepared yourself for the the thrill of a life time.  Be gentle with yourself...learn and know your strengths and your gut will tell you when you are ready...then catch the wave!  

      Stellababette: what you are doing right now is preparing for the wave in calmer seas...nothing wrong with that...we should all do this!  

      I am so proud of you....you deserve a “drum roll” and a standing ovation...many women make huge mistakes before they come to the revelation that have written about here!

      YEAH!!!! happy happy happy happy happy



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Dec 1, 2008
    • AWSOME! i too love those moments when the lightbulb goes on, and im like, wow! i understand!

      Keep up the great work!



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