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I have cried, wailed, got angry, got depressed, ate a lot, felt a lot of guilt, got embarrassed,  compared myself to other people a lot, moped a lot and pouted a lot this year and  the past four years and I can honestly say I AM OVER IT.

I am not perfect and I will never be the perfect woman, the perfect employee, with the perfect body, it is an illusion that we have been programmed to aspire to, a dangerous kind of brainwashing, especially to us women.  Be perfect and everything will be okay was my mentality, not anymore. Having said that, my troubles this year and the past four years have been, figuratively speaking,  a huge mountain to climb. From deaths of loved ones, to an illness, to financial problems, to health problems, it was just one problem on top of another. I was not given a choice as to whether I needed a breather, it just kept coming, and getting angry was a total understatement. The pressure to not express my grief and my anger, to grin and bare it, to look impeccable when I really didn’t want to even get out of the house, to be quiet about my troubles because I wasn’t the only one who had them.  

I read lots of self help books, journaled a lot, wrote a lot of poems, watched Oprah a lot, trying to find an answer to my mountain of problems. I prayed a lot, but I was angry at God for such a bombardment of problems which I was totally unprepared for.  

But what I have learned through this rain and storm of problems, is that, as cliched as it sounds, these trials do make you stronger. It will make you the strongest person you can ever be and until these trials do come your way, you will never know the feeling. When friends and family members dismiss your troubles and say “It’s not that bad, just think of the people who have it worse than you! ” you feel like forming a fist and giving them a good whack across the face and you feel like saying “I just need you to listen while I vent my frustrations, I don’t need a comparison.” But I’m not a violent person, so I internalised it, and I got even more depressed and sicker. Some people, no matter how much you love them, just won’t get it, UNTIL they go through it themselves and when they do, the whole world has to know all about it and you are obligated to listen and understand.

It took me to a place where darkness ruled. I was grieving for everything I had lost and I was angry. Someone had to pay, someone had to answer to me, but what happened was that I had to answer to myself. I needed to do a lot of soul searching, getting rid of anger, getting rid of all toxic emotions I ever had and went down to the nitty gritty of facing the truth. The truth was, yes I was grieving, yes I lost people I loved dearly, yes I was sick, yes I was stressed out, yes I was taking too much time off work because of my illness and yes because of this, I was losing precious income resulting in financial woes. I crashed down from such a high place, where I was oblivious of everyone and everything and I was happy, to crashing down to earth, with nothing left but myself. I had to face “ME“.  When you are faced with a mountain, you either climb over it or walk around it or simply turn back and cry. You can put blame after blame on everyone or everything else, but the real work comes from looking at yourself. Why do I feel this way? Why am I so angry? How do I get out of this? Why is this happening to me? What do I do to survive this?

There was a whole lot of crying, heavy, ugly, snorts came out of me as I cleansed myself of all toxicity from deep down in my soul. A lot of pent up anger, which I didn’t know existed, all the ugly, unsavoury emotions rose to the surface.  

In the beginning, I prayed and asked God, why me? Why are you doing this to me? I never did anything wrong, I’m a good person. But, towards the middle and the end, my prayer changed to “Please give me strength to get through this” and by saying this, I empowered myself instead of complaining about my situation. It was hard though, there was resistance every single step of the way.                            

What I have learned, through this, is that I can handle anything now. I am stronger than I have ever been. For anyone out there who is going through tough times, my advise is are absolutely stronger than you think. You can handle this and come out smiling and appreciative of the fact that you were lucky enough to learn from such a slap on the face from LIFE. Of course, while you are in the thick of it all, you will not feel the same, but persevere and you will definitely come out a stronger person, and you will not even recognise the wimpy and whiny person you once were. I thank God that I went through all this and I now understand why I had to go through it. One of the reasons, I would say, was that it brought me back to my writing, which I had abandoned and forgotten about, I had shelved it in the back of my mind, collecting dust. But the really huge deal for me was that it brought me back to God, I had wandered away from him for so long. It doesn’t matter if you believe in God or not, but know that there is something much higher than yourself out there, we are never ever alone, someone always has our back.............Absolutely!!! I am now more grateful for the little things, because life is really about living and enjoying what it has to offer, all the other things like “being perfect” and “having a picture perfect life” are not important anymore, it is dangerous to think this way and you will never ever win, so why bother thinking about it????? Just enjoy life, we‘re only here for a very short time, might as well have fun.  hearthappyhearthappyhearthappy

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