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I’m feeling a little sad and lonely because I now miss - and will continue to miss - my son, who’s out of town.

My son went on vacation to California on vacation Wednesday. It’s not so bad because he returns Monday. However, that will be but a short time to miss. The part I dread is when I relocate back to Jersey - without him - at the end of January. He’s 18, and moved into his own place after we returned from my Dad’s funeral in July, but he’s been a short, 15-minute ride from my place. When I move to Jersey, there will be 1300 miles separating us - the most ever during his lifetime.

You see, he is my only child, and I have always been the only parent in his life. The only other time we’ve been separated was when I moved to Virginia from Jersey a month before his 6th birthday. I was attempting to find the ideal place for use to live in Virginia to get him away from the potential harms of Jersey. That was the worst year of my life.

I felt so much sadness being away from him, and on Mother’s Day of that year, it felt like someone shot me in the heart. I called my Mom, which was where he was staying at the time, and cried like a baby. I was so relieved when my parents brought him to Virginia to live with me. This was in 1997, and we haven’t been separated since then.

This evening, I started to really think about being away from him again. At first, I tried to make myself feel better by convincing myself that it will be the same scenario as his going away to college. That worked for a few hours. As time went on, the thoughts of separation weighed heavier and heavier on my mind.

After a while, I sent him a text message to ask if he was okay in California, thinking that would ease my mind. Well, he responded, indicating that he wanted to call me, but he considered the time difference, since I’m in Tampa in the Eastern time zone. I responded that I miss him and just wanted to check up on him. He responded back that he was fine and hanging out with his friends. Then, he sent another message to say he loves me.

That’s when I lost it and burst into tears. After about 15 minutes of boo hooing like a baby, I started hyperventilating for about 5 minutes. I think I was having a panic attack. Suddenly, paranoid and crazy thoughts entered my mind that something will happen to him. At this point, it’s 1:00 a.m., my local time.

Of course, I can’t sleep, so I call the love of my life who was out with his friends. I just wanted to hear him tell me that everything will be okay. Yes, he told me this, but it’s not as easy to hear with him being in Jersey - 1300 miles away. Ideally, he’d be telling me this while I’m wrapped up in his arms. So, I didn’t feel much better than before we spoke. Bummer. =/

It’s almost like I feel guilty for leaving my son here in Tampa, as I explore new journeys in Jersey. I realize he’s technically an adult, and I have to let him go sooner or later, but it still hurts.

I’m writing this story here because it’s too late for me to call my Mom, my brother, or any of my friends. It’s approximately 2:10 a.m. at this point. Also, it’s good therapy for me to express what’s on my mind without worrying what people will think. I’m pretty sure there are several of you out there who can relate to what I’m feeling right now.

I’m not looking for advice - I just needed a kind ear or two to listen. Thanks and good night. :)



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Bobbi Bacha wrote Oct 24, 2008
    • My youngest daughter moved to Los Angeles 2 years ago, I call her every morning and as much as I can.  Its hardest the first year but the second is easier.  What eased my mind was getting her locked underground parking and in a safer apartment complex.  Once she had friends I felt better too.  

      Hardest when they move to a new city with no one they know.

      I feel for you.  Be tough.. call daily and make him give you a list of friends to call in emergencies.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Shopgirl1960 wrote Oct 25, 2008
    • I understand how you feel. My daughter and granddaughter moved to Florida a couple of months ago. It is sometimes hard to even think about them because it hurts so much.
      My daughter is my best friend, just as your son is yours.
      I am thankful that God has sent me my soul mate... “He” knew just what I would need before I needed it. (smile face)
      Even though my life is so very content and the happiest it has EVER been..... I miss my girls so much.  I just have to let my daughter soar in her life, and be thankful they are happy and healthy.

      I wish you the best with your “new man.”  I read about him on your profile. Keep us up to date on him and how you two are doing!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linda S Fitzgerald wrote Oct 25, 2008
    • After a little over 32 years since my husband died too young at age 44, I still have times when I cry.  Not so much that I miss him, but because I think that at the time of his death - with 2 of 3 awesome daughters to finish rearing through Jr. & Sr. High School; a career to renew, etc. I never fully grieved.  So now I cry a little when I think of him.  God has blessed me with a wonderful man who was Alan’s good friend (Alan actually “arranged” our coming together before he died) who is my life friend.  I’m grateful for that, but there is still a little ‘hole’ that doesn’t get filled by anyone else.

      After living 88 miles one way (in Brown County, IN) for 11 years, I said “I want to go home!”  My daughter’s had grown, were having wonderful g‘children & I was missing out. . . so I left the beautiful hills of southern Indiana and went home.

      I think there are some things over which we carry ‘grief‘, saddness or a haunting sense of loss over the years.  Not debilitating, but always with us.

      Much love,

      Linda



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Sabrena Giles wrote Oct 25, 2008
    • Thank you all so much for your kind words. I know there’ll be many days of tears and sadness ahead during the initial phase, and I’ll work through it.

      My Dad passed away June 25th, and I’ve not taken the time to grieve because I want to be strong for my Mom and my son. I’ve always been like that with my son. Regardless of how I’ve felt on the inside, I felt it was necessary to be his beacon of strength. He has only seen me cry once in his lifetime, so he pictures me as a rock.

      I guess I get it from my Mom and Dad who seemed to never show any signs of weakness. I miss my Dad so much because he was a very strong influence on my character. I am thankful that I had him in my life for 40 years. At times, I sit and wonder how my Dad would feel about some of the new choices that I’m making, but I’ve only cried about it once.

      Leaving my son here in Tampa is, by far, the hardest choice I’ve ever made. At the same time, my Mom needs me now. I was laid off a month and a half ago, and my job search has been a bit of a challenge. Somehow, everything has been working out in such a way that going home is the best choice for me. I very rarely follow my heart because I’ve normally been more concerned with the best choices to make others happy.

      My son is becoming a man, I found a new home for my dogs a couple months ago, my lease expires January 31st, as mentioned, the job search is challenging, and I have a wonderful new man in my life who makes me feel my best EVERY time I speak with him. Plus, being in Mom’s house, with only taxes and utilities to pay, will give me the opportunity to work from home to build my online travel business and be an at-home customer care agent. There are too many things going right to make me think there’s anything wrong with this upcoming scenario.

      My son has already let me know that he’ll visit me often in Jersey since it’s only a 3 hour plane ride away. I also have enough friends here to come back to visit him often. There is a silver lining after all. :)

      Good day to all.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linda S Fitzgerald wrote Oct 25, 2008
    • Sabrina,

      You did not ask for advice nor should I give it. . .but just want to share a thought with you.  After my husband died, and because there had been a considerable challenge in our marriage of which my older daughters were aware, they wondered if I really loved their dad.  Mostly because they saw me overtly ‘grieve’ once very shortly after his death.  It was not until years later during another crisis, that a dear friend shared with them my deep love for their father & the pain I felt. . . but always hid from them.  My eldest, who has a way of appearing taller than her 5‘1” frame, let me know how much they would have appreciated seeing/knowing how I felt.  And it had to do with never letting them see my tears.  

      In the ensuing years, I have learned that letting others experience our grief. . if only because we allow them to see the tears we shed, is actually a sign of strength.  And such strength can be a comfort to those close to us because they realize that even ‘rocks’ do cry.

      Just a thought for your to ponder.

      Much love,
      Linda



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linda S Fitzgerald wrote Oct 25, 2008
    • Sabrina,

      You did not ask for advice nor should I give it. . .but just want to share a thought with you.  After my husband died, and because there had been a considerable challenge in our marriage of which my older daughters were aware, they wondered if I really loved their dad.  Mostly because they saw me overtly ‘grieve’ once very shortly after his death.  It was not until years later during another crisis, that a dear friend shared with them my deep love for their father & the pain I felt. . . but always hid from them.  My eldest, who has a way of appearing taller than her 5‘1” frame, let me know how much they would have appreciated seeing/knowing how I felt.  And it had to do with never letting them see my tears.  

      In the ensuing years, I have learned that letting others experience our grief. . if only because we allow them to see the tears we shed, is actually a sign of strength.  And such strength can be a comfort to those close to us because they realize that even ‘rocks’ do cry.

      Just a thought for your to ponder.

      Much love,
      Linda



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cheryl Sharpton wrote Oct 25, 2008
    • When my son left two years ago for college, I went into a deep depression because he was my life up until that day.  This was a job I loved and hated at the same time. I hated it because I worried every day that he would get hurt playing football or some girl would break his heart and I would have to go to jail because I would be forced to give her a whipping.  His first year away I would try and visit him almost every weekend until he said Mom I'm ok I promise I'll call you if something happens.  Well, I finally let him go and I am proud to say that he is fine and thriving well without my constant input.  He goes to church on Sunday and when he can't he reads his bible.  We meet online in chat rooms, I order him pizza from pizza hut for both of us (I worked out a deal with the restaurant in Charlotte) and pay for it and that is how we share dinner.  I do not cry myself to sleep and I am giving my baby the chance to grow into the Man he is meant to be.  He is proud of his accomplishments and I am too.  I know your baby is wonderful to and he is lucky to have such a wonderful caring MOM!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Sabrena Giles wrote Oct 25, 2008
    • To If@awomansplace: Thanks for the insight. I never thought to look at it that way. I know that, personally, I feel much stronger after a good cry, which I do today. I am refreshed and my focus is back. I’ve told my son that I cry about things, and it actually surprises him. One of my older brothers, who is also one of my closest friends, is one of the only people who has actually seen my tears. He has a lot of respect for me.

      To warriorprincess: I’m sure I will become more relaxed, once I’m in Jersey. I realize it takes time, and I’m ready to tackle it. I’ve not visited my son since he moved out in July, and I talk to him a few times a week. Even with that small degree of “local separation“, I always have comfort in knowing that he’s only 15 minutes away, if I need to see him. I call and he comes at his soonest opportunity. However, being 1300 miles away will not afford the luxury of visiting every weekend. I know I’ll get through it. :)

      To davem: Thanks for the son’s perspective. I’m not sure if you noticed that I mentioned my son moved out of our home in July, so he’s been on his own for a few months now. I do not cook, clean, do laundry or anything else for him. He has his new set of responsibilities, and is handling them rather well. My point is he’s out on his own within 15 minutes of me, so I currently have comfort knowing that I can see him pretty regularly at this time. When I move to Jersey, it will change, which has me a little bummed. I’m proud to say that he handles his own affairs, regardless of the situation. He accepts full responsibility, rewards, and consequences for his actions. As far as finding someone else to live with, that will be “my” Mom in Jersey, as of the end of January. I currently live alone. As far as crying, there will be many days to come that will be filled with tears.

      I didn’t start this blog to request advice or suggestions; I just wanted to voice my feelings. With that said, I appreciate the suggestions and thoughts offered. It’s always good to get different perspectives and support. I feel better just being able to express what was on my mind. Thank you all for your input.



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