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I have been displaying some strange and disturbing behavior Lately, and I really cannot explain this (Menopause??) (empty nest syndrome?)  I have been doing everything in my power to irritate my husband.  I don’t know if it’s because I am left alone too many hours of the day and my children are no longer babies and don’t appreciate when I clean their faces with my “spit hanky“. In fact my entire family rolls in around 7-8 p.m. every evening after what appears to be a wonderful day filled with interesting people and amazing learning experiences . The looks on their faces and contentment in demeanor suggest not a moment of this precious day went to waste and it was lived to the absolute fullest.  Meanwhile I myself have had all these hours to come up with some pretty fascinating purposes for my own life. For instance,  today I learned Mores code and can have complete conversations consisting entirely of “Beeeep
Bip Bip Beeep Beep Beeeeep Bip...”
In the memo field of all our checks, I wrote “Padded toilet seat for Hubby’s bathroom”
let’s see... oh, finally named our dog 3 weeks after adopting her. Her name is “Dog”
Erected an elaborate network of ropes in our backyard, and told the neighbors my husband is a “spider person.“I even invented a special hip holster for my remote control. Drove my car to the grocery store wearing my bicycle helmet (couldn’t find my bad hair day hat) and claimed to the store clerk and boxboy that I must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of my “astronaut training.” Then, when my hubby came home I Followed a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touched with Lysol. At dinner time I conspicuously licked all of my food, and announced that this is so no one will “swipe my grub” and replied to everything he said with “that’s what you think“. Later when his buddy came over to help him fix a trailer hitch I made it my purpose to come outside (remote control hip holster and bike helmet in place) and told them a really long drawn out joke and forgot the punch line but stood there laughing hysterically anyway. And during the ten minute conversation that followed I finished all my sentences with the words “in accordance with the prophesy.”
After doing the dishes I Highlighted irrelevant information in Woman’s Day magazine  and “cc:d” them to my husbands business partner with headlines like “wait until you see this!” and “check this out!” Called my Mother-in-law and during our conversation I would not add any inflection to the end of my sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that I will be saying more any moment and when she was in the middle of telling me about her new Guest Bed Comforter I began to Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action on Who Wants to be a Millionaire in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. Later, when my husband came to bed I could tell he wanted to say something but had no idea what that might be. He just sat on the end of the bed staring at me as I put hair rollers in Dogs fur. Then I adjusted the tint on our bedroom TV so that all the people were green, and insisted that I “like it that way.”   Announced that I really must get some sleep as I have a very busy day planned for tomorrow. I am going to start a fan club for H.R. Puffinstuff and if I had time I was going to the mall to see if I could find a pair of sneakers just like his..  

Ok, I didn’t do any of these things.... but I thought about it.


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