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When my first child was born, my former husband and I were living in Laguna Beach.  Life was idyllic.

One day, while nursing my child, I had Family Feud on.  Yes Family Feud.  Yes, the show with Richard Dawson who kissed all the girls.

Family Feud needed families from the LA area and they needed them NOW.  My mind began churning. I recruited my reluctant family to at least go and try out for the show.

5 of us headed to the golden hills of LA.  Let's just say...if you had an IQ in the very low triple digits, you made it on the show. We auditioned against a family whose father had been so obviously forced to be there, when he was asked a question like "Name a kitchen utensil", he would sigh, shrug his shoulders, and say, "I don't know...whatever." They didn't get picked.

We did, despite the answer my brother-in-law gave when the question was, "What do you do with your children before you put them to bed?"  His answer was "Give them cookies".  

The day of the BIG SHOW finally arrived.  Thoughts of the lightning round and winning thousands were spinning through my mind.  Not to mention all the fame and glory that would soon be coming our way.

Before the show, the women were interrogated to make sure we had no colds, cold sores, fevers or any other kind of potentially fatal disease Richard Dawson might contract after planting a big wet one on us.

Yes, this means, that RICHARD DAWSON'S LIPS HAVE TOUCHED MINE!

Suddenly, we were on stage and my husband nailed the first question and we were pumped.  I nailed the second one and the points were adding up.  We were winning so quickly, Richard Dawson had some time to waste so he asked me how I had met my husband.

Here I was in all my christian repressed wife glory—short permed hair, red ruffled shirt with matching red shoes (I am not making this up), and appropriately conservative beige swishy skirt.

"Um, well, I met my husband at a dorm dance in college.  He asked me to dance and we were dancing, there was mud and beer all over the floor, and then he dropped me.  Yes, he dropped me and I fell right on my ....ummmm, right on my .....

I was searching for the word tush.    I was trying to be witty, a little coy.  Tush was the word I wanted to say.

"Yes, Richard I fell...right on my DOUCHE.  Yes...DOUCHE!"

Why was the audience laughing?  Why was Richard Dawson's jaw dropped to the ground?  Why was my husband saying that I had been a linguistic major?   I knew I had not been a linguistics major.  Why aren't these people getting it?  So I said, it again, this time with loud conviction:  "DOUCHE!  DOUCHE!"

Suddenly through the pandemonium, I could see Richard Dawson leaning forward, and saying, "I believe the word you want to say is TUSH".  You could see the color rise on my face to the point my face matched my bright red blouse perfectly.

"Oh yes!  TUSH!  TUSH!"  My hands on my hot face, the audience howling, me sputtering, "Well, you get the general idea."  Richard Dawson's quick response, "Yes, I get MORE than the general idea.  In fact you told me more about that mud and beer dropping incident than I ever cared to know!"

Being distracted by humiliation and that familiar middle school feeling when you've been publicly teased, I had to spit out some kind of answer to the question (Name a food that is breaded).  I was out of my game, I was distracted.  I quietly mumbled, "Well, Richard, I would have to say "steak".  XXXXXXXXX!!!  It all went downhill after that and we sadly lost.  Never even made it to the lightning round.

However, we did win a carton of toothpaste, a vacuum cleaner and some winter gloves (perfect for the southern California climate).

When it was aired 5 weeks later, they conveniently aired a Massengill Douche commercial right before my blooper segment.  Seriously.

 

Later that fall, Mike and I were at the famous Laguna Beach Festival of the Arts.  It was nighttime and dark and we had stopped to rest on a bench.  The woman sitting next to us was extremely inebriated.  After a bit, she leaned over and got right up in our faces.  Then she pointed her finger at me.

"Weren't you on Family Feud a month ago and said that you fell on your DOUCHE!"  She began laughing rolling over holding her stomach.

My 15 minutes of fame had turned into my 15 minutes of shame.

I hate game shows.

Mary



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Feathermaye wrote Oct 23, 2008
    • Mary, that is absolutely hysterical! This is a story I’ll be SURE to repeat when I need to alleviate some tension.

      Oddly, I was just making a list of things the other day that I’d yet to do in my life... Getting kissed by Richard Dawson was one of them!

      Thanks for sharing this.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cindylouwho1966 wrote Oct 23, 2008
    • Name something you do to feel fresh??? What a great story!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Almostfive0 wrote Oct 23, 2008
    • Hey!!!...I think I remember that show!...so you‘re the douche lady?! :-0...just kidding...lol.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lizajounes wrote Oct 23, 2008
    • So funny LOL. So your face matched your dress.Thank you for that:) better you then me.liza



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Daphne wrote Oct 23, 2008
    • Mary...LOVED this story!  Thanks for sharing.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Yana Berlin wrote Oct 23, 2008
    • Mary, Mary, Mary....you are hilarious...

      I remember the show very well, because of Heather’s comment that getting kissed by Richard is on her to do list, I actually had to google him. I was sure he died. THANK GOD FOR GOOGLE, The survey said...it’s a rumor and Richard Dawson is alive and well and living with a gal who is many years his junior.

      Well...I’m glad I got that straight.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Stephanie wrote Oct 23, 2008
    • oh my goodness I love it- and you should to! They are laughing because they are jealous you were on the show. I would have laughed it off for actually getting away with using that word on tv  (they aired it, right?)

      So, what more could you have asked for? You were in fact there to entertain!

      DO you have a copy of that show you could post somehow?

      I would love to see it!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Feathermaye wrote Oct 23, 2008
    • Ya know, Yana... if you could manage a hook-up with those google skills...

      Well, it would be FABULOUS! ;)



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mary Clark wrote Oct 23, 2008
    • I wouldn’t have kissed Richard Dawson......yuck!!!  You should have asked their staff if HE had any type of disease...colds, cold sores...etc.  What about all those women HE KISSED?  

      I‘M a germ freak anyway....yuck....

      Funny story though...I wouldn’t be able to play...I wouldn’t be able to THINK....too nervous...



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Oct 23, 2008
    • Oh Mary! what a great story! thank you for sharing it! lol i probably would have done the same though! lol
      Linni



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mary Kelly-Williams, M.A. wrote Oct 25, 2008
    • Thanks all for the great comments.  Yes, I have it on a VHS tape and getting it digitalized so I can put it up on youtube.  I’ll keep everyone posted.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mary Kelly-Williams, M.A. wrote Oct 27, 2008
    • As for the “breaded steak” comment, my brother in law was first asked this question, he answered “CUSTARD” (the question was “name a food that is breaded“).  Of course he got the big X, but then the guy on the other team answered CROUTONS.  This was a hysterical show in many ways.

      Yes, my goal this week is to get the tape digitalized.  I have no pride and will share when it becomes available.

      Thanks again for all the great comments.  Laughter is a good thing.

      Mary



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Nov 2, 2008
    • lol, this is classic!! Can’t wait for the you tube!! ;)



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mary Kelly-Williams, M.A. wrote Nov 2, 2008
    • Thanks for all the fun comments...I still need to get that damn VHS into get digitalized.  The Presidential election has been keeping me posted.  Stayed tuned and I will get it on soon.  Thanks all for reading!

      Mary



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Bobbi Bacha wrote Nov 2, 2008
    • Soooo Hillarious.. well I have one for you. Sela Ward came to my office and stay with me for sometime to capture my character for a movie role as she was playing me in the starring role.

      After she left the following day the chair she sat in my office I found a really pretty Tampon holder with Tampons inside, We were suppossed to over night several items from the office for the set and I put the Tampon holder inside and wrote this is for Sela Ward.

      My daughter came into my office the following day and said, Mom, I lost my tampon holder and think it fell out in your office.

      Its been a joke around here that we overnighted a tampon case to Sela Ward on the set.. I bet she thinks we are the biggest freaks.. HA.. but she called me for several cases.

      So maybe she just thought we were intutitive.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Yana Berlin wrote Nov 2, 2008
    • Bobbi,

      That’s hilarious....I can only imagine the look on your face when your daughter announced what she was looking for ...



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Bobbi Bacha wrote Nov 3, 2008
    • Yep I overnighted a Tampon Case full of tampons, to Actress Sela Ward on the film Set in Canada, marked for Sela Ward Only....

      It was my daughters.. not hers.. OOOOPPS



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