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I fell in love with someone 3 years ago and the relationship began to change 7 months ago into something that was truly the best thing that had ever happened to me.  It wasn’t a normal relationship and some people will be horrified to hear that he was married.  However I found out for sure 2.5 years after I first knew him so had invested a lot of me in that friendship so to walk away was never an option for me.  Two weeks ago he died and now I am lost without his presence in my life.....

I found out via a phone call to me whilst I was at work from his wife when she had his belongings returned.  She didn’t just ring to inform me, she rang to punish me; which I can, of course, understand.  However now I have no one to share any of this pain with and feel lost and disorientated by him passing away.  I am angry and unhappy but feel all this is so very selfish when he’s the one that has died.  Grief is so me, me, me and I am genuinely not like that.  I do know that our actions have hurt his wife and I am genuinely sorry about that but that isn’t my fault I wasn’t the one cheating however we’ve both lost someone very precious and I couldn’t even attend his funeral to say goodbye or have any of the things I’ve given him returned.  Such a mess and I am so very unhappy and lonely without his presence in my little world.  How on earth do you come back from this sort of thing?????




Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linda James-Laville wrote Mar 10, 2010
    • Wow, I am sorry!  I know we don’t always have control over who we care about especially in light of the fact that you didn’t know of his other commitment for two and a half years. Only time will heal this wound but in the future I wish you an equal or greater love to fill in the void.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Georgiamamasita wrote Mar 10, 2010
    • I second Linda's sentiments.  I am so sorry for your loss.  Time, lots of it, is what it will take.   Embrace the raw emotions, write, cry, write more, and spill your thoughts here.  These women are special and you will be healed eventually.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Dana Cappelletti wrote Mar 11, 2010
    • What a devasting loss.  I can only imagine that the pain is almost unbearable at times.
      I wish you the best.  Keep moving forward- don’t stop living.  Every day will get better.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Mar 11, 2010
    • I’m sorry for your loss honey - it must be very hard for you



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Quirky31 wrote Mar 11, 2010
    • Hi ladies - thank you for your comments they‘re much appreciated and I apologise that my blog is rubbish - as I’ve never actually done one before but feel the need to ask for help at this time as I seriously do not know what to do with myself following his loss.  I do not know how to continue or update the blog tbh; which is why I’ve written this comment.  Death is so very final and there was no time to say goodbye.  Thankfully our last 3 conversations the night before he died were normal and loving so I have nothing to regret there - just his loss to the world and in particular to me.  I miss him so very much and wonder where do I go now?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Quirky31 wrote Mar 11, 2010
    • Thank you, Vicki - much appreciated happy



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Mar 11, 2010
    • Where do you go? you go on..( meant in a loving way.. plese do not take that statement wrong)He would want you to go on..keep him alive in your heart and like someone mentioned.. write, cry, yell, or blog your feelings.. time will help in the healing process..
      i am so sorry for your loss...heart



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mz. Queen wrote Mar 11, 2010
    • Quirky31,

      On earth you come back from this thing one day at a time, with lots of prayer and surrounded by friends and family.

      your blog was better than you imagine and just keep blogging a new one everyday is acceptable and therapeutic.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Quirky31 wrote Mar 11, 2010
    • I hate wondering how on earth I can go on.  I know that I will - I am not being suicidal or anything when I say what I say - it’s just expressing the feeling of his loss to my usual, every day life.  I don’t regret our relationship in the slightest, only the hurt it would have caused his wife.  However that was never my issue to deal with, it was his.  He chose not to deal with it properly and that’s something unfortunately I cannot argue the toss with him about any longer.....  He was a lovely, funny, honourable man and I miss his humour, input into my day and genuine friendship/support that he always showed me.  My marriage broke down a year before I ever knew him and during the 3 years that I knew S he was always a loving friend who made me realise that I was attractive and worth loving despite how my ex-husband had treated me.  Now I wonder if I can ever find that sort of thing again without feeling disloyal to the man I’ve just lost?  I know this is all way too early to worry about but I am not 20 and have years and years ahead of me.  I’ve lost one friend, who was my hairdresser for 13 years, less than 6 months ago and he was only 6 months older than me and now losing S who was 3 years older than makes me realise how little real time we do have here.  I don’t want to spend my life alone but I would also hate to think he thought he was inconsequential to me by wanting someone else at some point.  Sorry am rambling now ladies!  I think grief makes you say and do things that under normal circumstances you would keep quiet about.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Veggie wrote Mar 11, 2010
    • heart



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Tuliplady wrote Mar 11, 2010
    • Quirky, I’m so sorry for your loss.
      If it helps to rant and ramble, do so.  If you need to just let out a scream of rage and frustration do it.  Get thru one day at a time, and someday soon the healing will begin.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote Mar 11, 2010
    • Q I am so sorry for your loss and your pain..... The way to go on is day by day....Some will be good and some won’t. The ladies here have all given you good thoughts.
      As for your blog being rubbish.....pooey to that. Blog as often as you feel you need to to get it out...



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Nathalie Girard wrote Mar 11, 2010
    • Quirky, I am very sorry for your loss. All the girls have given you very wise suggestions. Take it one step at a time. If a day seems too long, cut it down to one hour at a time. Losing someone special is very hard. Unfortunately there is no instant magical solution. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Give yourself time to heal. Your friend will always be  a part of you in your heart.  

      Sending you loads of love and hugs heartheartheartheart



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Allinet48 wrote Mar 11, 2010
    • One step at a time.......



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Mar 11, 2010
    • I do not know what to say to you other than I feel your pain.  From recent experience, being in grief, I know how you feel.  I seek out counseling and medical professional help as well as spiritual comfort.  It is not an easy path.  The pain is overwhelming.  I will pray for consolation and you be surrounded with angels with helping hands.  Take care.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Quirky31 wrote Mar 11, 2010
    • I just find I have thoughts that I feel ashamed of and that I can’t seem to help.  I know that S would always want me to be happy but how can I ever be happy again without him?  I feel so alone without his presence and involvement in my every day.  We didn’t spend a great deal of actual time together but I knew I was loved and wanted.  Now I wonder if that will ever happen again or if anyone else could ever measure up to him; which isn’t fair on someone else.  It’s not even 3 weeks since he died and I am having these awful thoughts when I miss him so very much - this just doesn’t make sense to me and makes me feel awful that I am even thinking them.  Why does grief make you behave so bizarrely and oddly?  All the above makes it sound like I didn’t/don’t love him and that is so far from the truth but this is the sort of thing I an thinking - which to me sounds awful and now I am rambling - sorry.  I know I can’t bring him back or have him return to me - it’s not like we’ve had a row and he’s still around just not talking to me.  I know that he’s dead and no longer on this mortal plane.  I am just struggling full stop.  I don’t want to do anything other than be at home and then when I am here I don’t want to be here either.  Little sense does life hold right now for me.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Mar 12, 2010
    • hugs to you Q... you will get through this!estatic



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Nathalie Girard wrote Mar 12, 2010
    • This is  a big change in your life. It is normal that you feel loss and have fears of what is to come.  

      hugsheartheart



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Quirky31 wrote Mar 12, 2010
    • I just feel lost - which I know is to be expected - it’s just hard when you lose the one person who was sharing this sort of thing with.  Even harder when you can’t grieve as a widow would.  I know he’d hate me being like this - he was a very proud man with a lovely way about him that would want me protected but life isn’t lovely and fluffy like that.  It’s harsh, intolerant and totally disorientating.  I am not good with change - as you can see - especially change that is foisted upon me without a backward glance.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Mar 12, 2010
    • My dear, you may be depressed at the time being.  You may need some help from medical professions or free support group.  Please seek out before it gets out of hand.  

      It is absolutely normal to feel this way.  It is a loss.  The degree of grieve equal to the amount of the loss, in your case, this is huge.  He was part of your life and now that part is missing.  

      There are stages of grief - sad, mad, guilt and much more.  And it is not like you will be one stage and go to another stage.  In fact, you will find yourself jumping from stage to stage and it could be within seconds.  

      Images, shooting thoughts will come at you for your body is trying to heal and cope with this loss.  

      Face it, accept whatever your body is bringing you and if you feel you cannot handle on your own, again, please seek help and support.  

      I will keep you in my prayers.



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