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Tonight my oldest daughter left our home after a huge fight  with her father.  I have been sitting in tears ever since because my husband told her to leave and never come back and I believe that this time she really isn’t coming back....she has said as much.  From the time she was 13 years old these fights have been happening and my fear that I would lose all my kids to this may be realized.

These fights have happened before...in fact, throughout my eldest daughters life she has bumped heads with her father...they have the same exact personalities...stubborn hard headed...tell you exactly what they think of you no matter who you are.  I told my husband years ago that his attitude about telling the kids that they were stupid when they were doing something stupid...and other types of words that I would call name calling and not nice would come back to bite him...in fact, our marriage almost ended over these confrontations with the kids.  He has stopped doing this several years ago..in the most recent past his Adult daughter is following in his foot steps though and calling it like she sees it...if her father is acting like an a—hole, SHE is not afraid to say so and HE gets angry because she is not respecting him.  

AND so the fight escalated he DID act like one and SHE told him so...HE told her to get out of his house and I stood there trying to calm all down before too much more could be said. SHE was out the door and in her car...refusing to answer her phone...and HE telling me to get out of his face and that it was my fault.  There I was...again...thrown under their anger bus and I am the one crying with the hurting heart.

I told him over and over again years ago...they hear you saying that you call it as you see it...HIS 22 year old daughter called it as she saw it tonight and he threw her out.

It all started with dealing with my son and asking her for some help with a problem he was having in school...it went in to a fight with my son and then with her father...It always happens so fast that I can’t keep up and before I know it...people are walking out the door...and I am crying because this is NOT how I ever wanted my family to be...EVER!!!

I don’t know what has happened to my family lately...we don’t talk and we are quick to get angry and not help one another....and I am supposed to be an expert, but it is apparent it is not in this topic...I am not feeling very much like an expert tonight.

Does anyone have any opinions..thoughts ...wisdom...I admit my emotions are high on this one..I am wondering what I could have done better. If not help or wisdom...Prayers would be good too!!

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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Lazylola wrote Apr 23, 2010
    • Amy....I haven’t had to deal with this as a parent but I did as a daughter. As a daughter I was able to get over my anger and make up with my dad.

      AS a parent it is hard getting caught in the middle, when I was with ex # 2, many of our fights were over the kids with me being caught in the middle or on one side or the other.  

      I wish I had some words of wisdom but I don’t. I hope you hear back from your daughter son so that you at least have peace of mind knowing sheis ok.

      {{HUGS}}



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Amy L. Harden wrote Apr 23, 2010
    • Thanks Ruby...you are a gem...just letting it out has helped...she has called and is determined to not come home..she is coming to get her things this weekend and then she will be gone...two weeks shy of her college graduation.  

       heartbreak frown  I am not feeling like a very good mother right now..



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Frannie1964 wrote Apr 23, 2010
    • I’m so sorry this Is happening to you.frown My heart breaks for you alsoheartbreak. I don’t really have any good wisdom or great advice as I don’t have any children. I do know It must be hard on you to be caught In the middle and getting the blame for It. I know when I was younger I use to fight all the time with my step-dad and I would call him names and my mom would just be In the middle, I think back on how our fighting must have hurt her too. I was told to leave and so i did, but I was still close by and my mom and I still hung out together. I hope your daughter will still see you and know that It’s not your fault.

      My prayers are with you Amy. and lots of Hugz!!



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Lazylola wrote Apr 23, 2010
    • Amy, I’m pretty sure you are a good mom. This is between them and as you stated they are both stubborn. That is what we are here for, to offer each other support. I’m glad you heard back from her and that she is safe, everything else will work itself out. Always here (or there, fb, rlrn) if you need a friend. heart



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Paris Mano wrote Apr 23, 2010
    • I hope I don’t send the wrong message but it seems as though the father is having some emotional problems. Sounds like he is abusive. The only reason I say this is because my father was similar. He disowned me many years ago when my daughter was a year old. Since then, we have made amends but he has problems. I don’t think it is you....I think he is the problem. I did not grow up in a happy family. Later on in years through comments my father has made, I believe he came from an abusive family. His mother was very hard on him. Hence, he has carried on in the same manner. Things will work out and maybe it is a blessing for your daughter to be on her own. Give her all the support possible and let her know that you are there for her and the door is always open. As far as your husband, I would remain neutral. I don’t know if I am explaining myself but yes you are in the middle but be aware that your husband may have some hidden emotional problems. Sorry if I offend you, but we all have gone through similar situations and maybe it will help. My mother was a saint and never said anything. My father on the other hand wonders why all of his children left home when they turned 18. He has no clue.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Critcher wrote Apr 23, 2010
    • Amy, I’m so sorry to hear that your heart is breaking regarding your family problems. heartbreak My future ex husband and I had some similar problems. But with our situation he was always blaming me for my sons actions. Ironically his son was much worst in his antics then my son. His son could do no wrong, but if my son walked the wrong way my ex would go off on him. It got to the point when my son graduated from High School he left, he couldn’t take it any more and after a couple of years I couldn’t handle it either.  

      When personality are so similar it like they know how to push each others buttons. As what I get out of what you said it is like they have no respect for each other. Could there be problems that you are unaware of, between the two of them?  

      I’m glad that you have hear from your daughter and she is safe. I hope everything works out for your family. Of course you always have us to turn to for support. heart



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Amy L. Harden wrote Apr 23, 2010
    • Paris...I believe you may be right and you didn’t offend at all...I was wondering if anyone else would see these things..for years I have been told it was me.  Tonight when she said these things it dawned on me why she believes she can say these things to her father...because he always told them that he was going tell it like he saw it and if they were being stupid then stupid they were.  I would cringe and we would fight/disagree later about it.  My father never spoke to me this way ever, neither did my mother...I would never speak to them like this either...it was mutual...what happened tonight was mutual. So, now he is mad because she is reflecting HIM.  I am sorry but this is NOT my fault and I tried to stop it...it did end when I almost walked out five years ago.

      Thank you for being so honest...I need that now.
      heart



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Amy L. Harden wrote Apr 23, 2010
    • Thanks Ruby...it is just extra hard dealing with this at this time because of the death of one our daughters friend last week.  She got hit by a car last Saturday and died...the importance of family, remaining close and NEVER leaving each other in anger or with having said harsh or hateful words. Though I didn’t know this young lady she was only three years older than my daughter...I must be getting old and sentimental because family is even more precious to me.  Both my mother and father are gone, my sister and brother are far away...my only family are my children...when conflict hits...it may mean I may lose another...see...it breaks my heart. heartbreak  

      I greatly appreciate your support...here at FB and RLRN...Thank you!heart



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Apr 23, 2010
    • ditto to all the above Amy!!
      You are an amazing mom, wife and friend!! heartheart



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Lisa Brown wrote Apr 24, 2010
    • I am so sorry for all your going through. I will keep you in my prayers.



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Dana Cappelletti wrote Apr 24, 2010
    • Amy,  I am so sorry for what you are going through.  My husband has 3 children from a prior marriage- Being a step parent can be very challenging particularly when your spouse has a difficult time communicating.  

      I share this because as wonderful as my husband can be, he would sometimes express his emotions in a negative way with me and the kids.  We went to counseling together and individually.  It has made a huge impact in improving our relationship.  

      The kind of behavior your husband exhibited is emotionally abusive and I encourage you to speak to a professional- even if he will not join you.

      Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Amy L. Harden wrote Apr 24, 2010
    • Yes, I am afraid all of what everyone has said is true and I have sought out professional help in the past...much what is happening now is the exact reason why I myself launched off on my own Mid-life Crisis Journey several years ago...I made many poor decisions during that time...one’s that I have had to humbly admit that I was wrong and submit to my spouse in areas that would allow me to regain his respect and trust...I made it quite apparent that it just didn’t matter any more that HE had been emotionally abusive to the children AND to me.  I had trumped his actions with mine against him.

      When he gets stressed and on edge he can be very cruel with his words and his actions...non-verbal actions or dismissals.  It hurts and at many times I believe I deserve it. For almost four years I have been bringing myself up from a place of being “Broken Open“...flat on my face asking for God’s forgiveness...and for my spouses...and my children (at least the one’s who know of my poor decisions) I have been physically struggling to get back on my feet and still doing so.

      In the past few months, we have been struggling financially and I am not able to help as I was before because my on-line business is slow due to the economy.  My daughter moved home to help with this expense...and all of sudden we were back where we were before she went off to college.  Fights, bumping of heads and attitudes...me crying and them stomping off to their corners.  My sister years ago said that their treatment of each other and of me would end up making me sick....I believe she may be right, as my Doctor is looking at my thyroid AND at the possibility of adrenal exhaustion.  As I type this response I will admit that I feel like I have been dragged behind a truck....and then I think of my dear friends, Tracy and Ruby and I tell myself that my situation is nothing compared to theirs and shame on me for holding a stupid little pity party over junk like this...I should just gather up my strength and be grateful...but even for this moment I will have to rest...because it is hard to fill my cup today.  I pray in thanksgiving for all of you who have responded.  I had forgotten what a great group of ladies you are...I think I will be renewing my activity here. Even reviving the CyberHotFLash group...anyone interested? Thank you!

      HUGS to ALL of You today! heart



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Amy L. Harden wrote Apr 24, 2010
    • PS Update: My daughter DID come home last night...she is off at her job today...I am mentally and physically exhausted.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lazylola wrote Apr 24, 2010
    • Amy you are so sweet and you are entitled to have your pity party, we all do. What you are going through is important and it matters to YOU. Don’t down play what is going on with you....{{HUGS}} Always here for you heart



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