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Hello my friends,
I’m not sure exactly what I have to offer, but I gotta try.
Growing up in the south, I tried to fit in with the other “Barbie Doll“, “Miss America” complex infected little belles.
Problem was we didn’t know the perfection we struggled to emulate wasn’t real and some fantasies are dangerous. Nobody really talked about “air brushed” magazine pictures, weight control by lethal, addictive drugs or bulimia/anorexia. To be honest,I was spellbound by a myth and lost touch with reality. So, I probably wouldn’t have listened anyway.
Drinking became a coping device to fit in as well. It hid the shame of living with a psychotic mother who experimented whatever torture the “voices” dictated towards me and my two small siblings.
I have had 4 spine surgeries as a result of those years imprisoned with a schizophrenic. My baby brother didn’t make it. My sister has been institutionalized for suicide attempts. My mother committed suicide when I was 15. Maybe if I were smarter,better or pretty...she would love me and still be alive. The seed was planted for spending most of my life grabbing for that ever elusive brass ring. Exhausting efforts for your approval, your acceptance, your love that would gather the fragments of a tortured soul. Long after the torturer was gone, I picked where she left off, because I believed that was all I deserved.
Somewhere, somehow grace coaxed the voice inside that was my truth. So quiet and gentle, I almost missed it. A journey of healing was given when I surrendered doing life “my way“. In this sweet surrender of letting go of all preconceived concepts of labels, judgment, self condemnation, unearned or earned guilt, useless shame, regrets, expectations etc. In other words, A spiritual awakening brought me to my knees and revealed the truth, light and innate good surrounding me to be expressed.
Just because my drivers license, cholesterol level, scale and birth certificate declare numbers. Does that control and identify who I am? Have you ever told yourself,” people our age don’t hula-hoop, dance in the rain, ride on the merry-go-round, hold hands singing silly songs, swing on the swing set at the beach or park“? I did! I even limited myself because a “number” counseled, ‘yodeling in my car was undignified‘? Do you have any idea how difficult ( even impossible) it is to stay depressed and yodel? Simultaneously shaking Morocco’s wearing bunny slippers is a severe challenge to self-pity.
I am grateful for a life that insisted on healing. A silly heart can sing and dance. A broken heart cannot. I have had to drop the rock of resentments, hurt, pride, and “justifiable anger“. Funny, when I stopped carrying around these heavy burdens...I lost weight. I didn’t feel the need to keep others ( literally) at a distance.
Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope with me. There is more positive power in WE than in me. Together, I have seen the “impossible” made “Possible“!
Much Love,
Patricia



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anne E wrote Nov 1, 2009
    • OMG.  You have been through so much.  I’m glad you’ve come through the darkness with your spirit intact.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Nov 2, 2009
    • What an amazing spirit you have.
      I will never ‘grow’ up, and will always keep my silly heart. I am glad you did.

      I am truly saddened by the losses you have endured, but am glad you found the strength to make it through!

      Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope! One of my favorite sayings!
      Blessings!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lazylola wrote Nov 2, 2009
    • You definitely have something to contribute, I will soon undergo my 4th back surgery, looking at your picture, and reading your story gives me much hope. I’m so ready to regain my carefree life and fun, spirited life. Thank you for sharing your story, sounds like you have more to share, can’t wait for the next installment.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Nov 2, 2009
    • You have certainly overcome. Now you are strong and capable and an inspiration to others!estatic



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Edna Mayville wrote Nov 2, 2009
    • Yes! The “AHA” moment when purpose meets crisis and all healing breaks out! We are reading from the same page. How else could I learn what I needed to progress, without choosing the parents I did? It is all in divine order and right on time!
      The light you reflect transforms those around you. I can feel it. Shine on my sister!
      Love, Patriciaestatic



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