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For as long as I can remember I have always had a tumultuous relationship with my youngest sis, Lili...It was awful...we were always at conflict with each other...she did a lot of hurtful mean things to me and today I still have a hard time getting pass them....you see my sister had some mental health disorders and issues...issues that I just couldn’t understand and at time didn’t want to understand...

In August of 2007 I got a phone call that my sister had been found dead in her house...an apparent suicide...it was a shock to me and to the rest of my family...I think it was harder for me because of our horrible past...so many things were said and done that neither of us had not spoken to one another in a long time and no amends were made...

Now...I am beginning to understand what her problems were and although I have not gotten to the part of forgiveness yet I am able to understand and see where she was coming from...I regret a lot of things and one of those things was not having a relationship with her...I was older...13 yrs older...I should have tried harder...I sometimes wonder if we had that relationship maybe things would be different...maybe she would still be here...

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change things...be the big sister that I was suppose to be...be there for her when she needed someone...but I can’t...it’s too late for that...the only thing I can do is to go on...and as hard as it is I need to make amends with myself...learn to forgive myself and find the strength from within to forgive her...and most importantly of all to pray and ask for forgiveness....for not understanding and being there when she needed me...afterall, isn’t that what big sisters are for?



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Jun 8, 2009
    • Karyn - I feel for you - I lost my older sister over a year ago to suicide and it’s so awful as you live in limbo with a huge amount of unanswered questions in the air ....

      I have a whole pile of “if onlys...” but slowly I’m learning to let go of them ....

      Your in my thoughts



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Karyn Olson wrote Jun 8, 2009
    • Thanks so much...sometimes it is hard for me to reach out and talk from my heart...but lately I have been so depressed about everything and this is one of the things that I feel needed to be addressed...
      Before I went to the funeral I wrote a letter telling her that I am sorry and loved her...and had it buried with her along with a pic of the two of us....I know it’s not the same as face to face but at the time it was the only thing I could think of....



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote Jun 8, 2009
    • Karyn,
      I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I have no other words other than I am sorry.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Faye43 wrote Sep 1, 2009
    • Karyn. I have never been through this my dear so all I can do is give you my sympathies, love, and support, Faye



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