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Nancy the Navigator...What a Bitch!


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Aside from being a wonderful sister and human being, Sal has problems with directions.  She's as dyslexic as the day is long.  If I had a nickel for every phone call to me from her cell, hopelessly lost in the wrong part of town, turning right when she should have turned left, not noticing the skyline in her rearview mirror instead of ahead of her...I'd be Bill Gates rich!

So, I bought her a GPS device to put in her car for her birthday.  She said she'd rather have a new caftan, but when I reminded her that she already has thirteen caftans, she reluctantly agreed to try out the GPS thingy.  To help her feel more comfortable about it, I named it, Nancy The Navigator just to humanize the experience for her.  And, as in real life, sometimes there are women who are just bitches with whom one must deal on a daily basis.  Those of you who have these devices know that if you don't do what Nancy tells you to do, she gets 'huffy.'  If you make a wrong turn, she says, "Recalculating," but in kind of a nasty way.

Nancy then tries to get you to make a circle around to the original route that she has specially designed for you.  Where does she get OFF deciding which route you should take?!  Since I have issues with control, I live to fuck with that machine.  Whenever Nancy says to me, "Recalculating..." I say, "Go ahead, Nancy, knock yourself out...I'm NOT turning left here!"  

The thing that really pisses me off about Nancy is that she never raises her voice.  I think 'Hal' from 2001 is her cousin or coach or something.  It's creepy.  When I want to fight with someone, I want a good FIGHT...not a calm response from a friggin machine!  It makes me feel better to call her bitch and tell her to shut up, releasing my own endorphins because all I have to do to win the argument is TURN HER OFF!

Hehehe....

KK

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I love Nancy.  She has changed my life.  Listen, all you dyslectics out there, run to your nearest Best Buy store and get one of these.  They are user friendly (even for us) and Nancy's voice makes you feel like someone is really in charge.  You can trust her even though she sounds like that second-grade teacher who called your mother when you swung on the school set on your stomach and weren't wearing any underwear and ?..but I digress.

I have spent most of my driving-life looking at street signs and trying to figure out where in the hell I was.  Now, Nancy says in an authoritative voice, "TURN RIGHT."   I do it even though everything in me tells me to turn left.  And now I don't find myself on Cabrone Street watching drug deals go down in front of the Yellow Rose XXX Ladies Ladies Ladies Men's Club while trying to find the Best Buy Store.  You know you fucked up and landed in Crip territory and you're just hoping no gang member's initiation into the gang involves carjacking a Honda Civic from some middle-aged white lady lost in the hood.  That was the story of my life when I was a messenger in Los Angeles.  That and finding myself in Orange County when I was supposed to be delivering a fifty-thousand-dollar, signed hockey stick to a mogul in Pasadena.  Oh, if only I had had Nancy then.  I'd have been home early enough to catch Oprah instead of wolfing down a Fish Sticks TV dinner in front of Charlie Rose.

No matter where you are in the car, you can punch 'GO HOME' (and there's a picture of a little house) and no matter how tired you are, she will tell you what to do and warn you about what turn is coming and congratulate you when you get there with an, "ARRIVING AT DESTINATION."  See, that way you don't pass your house because you are thinking about why that fat girl at the office keeps giving you dirty looks and why the gas bill just went up 200% and?.NANCY!  Bring me back!

And by-God she will.

Trust me on this,

SalGal



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