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This is my first blog, since I am fairly new to the website and still trying to find my way around.  But something just happened and I don’t feel like calling my same old friends,plus not much in the mood to be on the phone.  My boyfriend (weird term at 47, but the man I have been dating for 3 years and have been friends with for 5 plus).  Well he has a friend from out of town visiting and I am sick in bed, he just stopped by to talk to me, knew it wasn’t good, he came to tell me he got a DUI last night.  I won’t get into details, but I have told him in the past if he ever gets a DUI, we are finished.  He had another DUI before I met him, actually it is just about a month short of the 10 year mark.  

I will give a little history about us and him.  He is a very good man and we were friends for about 2 years before we dated seriously.  He is my best friend and treats me like a queen.  We do not live together, but he will rake the leaves in my yard, clean my house when I work too many hours, takes care of me when I’m sick, cook and do my grocery shopping.  

Needless to say I am very angry with him, since each time he gets together with friends, I say now remember to take a cab or call me and I will come get you guys.  He has some money issues already and I know this will break him, and he runs a risk of losing his job if his co finds out.

I hope this is enough info for some of you gals to give me some advice.



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Feb 28, 2009
    • If this is twice in 10 years and otherwise he is a wonderful person, friend and partner to you, discontinuing the relationship may not be the answer. Expressing your feelings and anger is perfectly justified, however.

      I also think you’ve done the right thing in maintaining separate households and your independence. If he were to lose his job over this type of behavior, at least you will not be impacted and he can accept the financial ramifications on his own.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cindylouwho1966 wrote Feb 28, 2009
    • Maybe he needs a little courtroom action to make him see how serious this is. DUI is nothing to mess around with.  

      How absolute are you that you will end it because of the DUI? If you choose to stand by him, I would tell him he needs to go to AA, and make sure you don't use your money to get him out of this situation.

      At 47, he should know how how to analyze the consequences. He was foolish, you should not have to pay for his stupidity.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Shopgirl1960 wrote Feb 28, 2009
    • Even though I am a not a drinker, twice in almost 2 years isn’t “that” bad. Is there more to the story Jane?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Feb 28, 2009
    • First welcome.

      Second, how often does he drink?  How severe is his addiction?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Janeofmyjungle wrote Mar 1, 2009
    • I thank all you ladies for all your advice, ok here is to answer some of the questions you have asked (sorry just getting back to this, just got off work,I work long crazy nighttime hours (no I’m not a vampire...lol).  He does not have a drinking problem, that I do know(been there done that in the past, so that does not get past me).  He is a wonderful man and honestly I doubt he would go out much if it were not for me working a lot of nights.  He was out last night with a friend from out of town and I was to go with them, but was too sick to go.  I promise you I will not give him a dime to help him out of this. I guess my big thing is about 2 years ago his best friend who we would go out with somestimes, got a DUI, that is when I said to him, even though you do not feel drunk, the law sees you as drunk, so is you drink  more than 2 drinks, DO NOT DRIVE.  At that time, I started warning him if he ever got a DUI we are over.  There are times I honestly like my time alone, so would say hey go meet your buddies.  He actually now thinks we are done, when he came to tell me he brought all the stuff I had at his apt and told me he was a loser and I was too good for him.  Part of me does feel, I am not much of a best friend/partner if I will abandon him, but yet I find it irresponsible behavior and I deserve better.  He blew a .09 and the limit is .08.  I guess time will tell.  I appreciate all your info, feel free to give me more.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Mar 1, 2009
    • First: Hire an attorney to get him out of this DUI.
      Second: A good talk with him
      Third: It seems to me that You are having issue with Your own words, not his course of action that much this time.  If you were the one who made the rule “Over upon a 2nd DUI“, you can also justify the rule.  Go with your heart.  You are struggling with yourself.  Take a deeper look.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Janeofmyjungle wrote Mar 1, 2009
    • I am struggling hard with this.  This is the first man since my divorce that I have dated, that was not a “bad boy” and who has treated me right.  He waited 2 plus years for me to be in the right frame of mind to be in a romantic relationship with him.  He is my best friend.  BUT I also am very angry at his irresponsible behavior.  I do not want to help him get his attorney and fight this.  That is my problem the Cancer motherly instincts always come out and helps people, I think he needs to clean up his own mess. and Yes I am very conflicted and confused.  So for now I’m taking a few days with no communication with him and hopefully he is taking these days to get his plan in action.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Shopgirl1960 wrote Mar 1, 2009
    • Do you eventually hope to really get back with him though?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cindylouwho1966 wrote Mar 1, 2009
    • Tell him you need some time to think, and that you will let him know what your answer is by “x” date about staying together. If all the other stuff is good, the ladies are right he may not need to be dumped. BUT if you take him back after giving him an absolute, will he do it again, knowing he got away with it once?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Mar 1, 2009
    • Hmmmm...
      There’s not much I can say in here now, that hasn’t been said. Ask yourself a few questions, such as, do you really want him gone?
      Being completely annoyed or upset with him over this is completely understandable. It’s quite serious. And like was mentioned previously, keeping your independence was a smart move. Financially this can’t ruin what you have at home, etc.
      I guess at the end of the day, you have to decide if you really want him gone for good or not. Maybe you need a little time to consider which options are best for you. Granted, you told him he was done if it happened again. We do reserve the right to change our minds. Question is, do you WANT to?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      3sa wrote Mar 1, 2009
    • Oh honey I hate to say it but, how do you know if this was the first time in 10 years?  Maybe he drives drunk all the time when he goes out without you but never gets caught.  God knows I used to and I still to this day thank God i never hurt anyone or myself.  

      I just hope that he understands that it might be a felony charge and all the problems that come along with that.  

      You know my heart goes out to you, but being his friend and supporting him through this would be the right thing to do, that doesn’t mean you have to continue a love relationship with him.  

      Just remember the next time somebody could get hurt or worst.  Thank God there are no MAD people on here to comment, Mother Against Drunk Driver....:(

      Again Go with your heart on the boyfriend part but on the friendship part you should be there for him...through it just like he would for you.

      Love u girl



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Janeofmyjungle wrote Mar 1, 2009
    • There is lots to consider, I want to be his friend, but I am still too hurt and angry.  I also don’t know I can keep the two separate, this is the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, it’s hard to switch gears.  He is a wonderful person and I could not ask for more from him, well except to admit this from our lives...lol.  This is where I am torn, I have been through a lot myself in life and he is always there for me, even when we were not dating, he is the one friend who was always there.  

      I may sound like a hypocrit, cause yes I have drank and drove, more times than I would like to admit, BUT gave that up a few years ago because I saw people I knew getting DUI s and I just felt my guardian angels were done looking after me.   If I plan on drinking, I take a cab there, so I am not even tempted to say oh I can drive fine.  

      I am sure he has driven drunk in the last 10 years since the last DIU, but I do know since I set the new rules for myself (I’ve only known him 5 years), he does take cabs, since I am usually the one who takes him to get his car the next day.  He lives close to my job and since I work a lot at night, I crash at his place a lot.

      Honestly right now I can’t imagine my life without him, but I also can’t imagine my life with him under these circumstances.  He could lose his job and everything.  Honestly I have been with broke ass men with no license or vehicle and on and off jobs, never going back there again.  That is why I ended up falling in love with him, he was different, he was the one person who could and would take care of me, I could count on if sick, car broken down, etc.  He has a good job, hard worker, good work ethic and pride in himself.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      3sa wrote Mar 1, 2009
    • Well sweetie you are doing the right thing by taking a little time to think this through, asking advice and going with your heart or with your gut.  

      Like my great grandma used to say, Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.  Just because he did something wrong doesn’t mean he is a bad person, he just made a wrong choice.  My gut says stand by your man...I know you love him and I know he loves you.  He is probably feeling like an ass right now.  Send him some flowers, tell him you‘re angry but still love him and then tell him your demands to continue the relationship and move forward.  Frankly life is too short to analyze this too long either way.

      Any thank God for real that he did not hurt anyone including himself.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Janeofmyjungle wrote Mar 1, 2009
    • Wow sorry to hear you have gone through all of that. I do know he does not drink daily or even weekly, even tho we live apart (trust me I am not making excuses for him) we stay with each other at least 5 nights a week.  So when I get off at 4AM, if he is at my place or his place, I go and crawl in bed with him.  I would know if there was drinking, since I dated an alcoholic years ago, I can smell it on people the next day.  He does not lie to me, he lets me know he is going out with the guys and I do know he does take cabs, since I do end up taking him the next day to get his car.  This is the one time that he did not use common sense and got caught.  

      Also I have not always worked these crazy hours, big promotion that takes  alot of time and hours and the company is open 24/7.  So before this, we were together 7 days and week and at that time, we went out together and cabbed home.  

      Again I am not making excuses for him, but I do know him as a person.  He is the most dependable man I have ever met, always there for me,my family and our friends, he is hard working, dedicated, so he is not the “type” of man you expect to screw up, that is why this is so heart breaking for me.  Trust me I have been with enough losers that I expected this behavior which is why they are gone.  

      I have a lot to filter through in my brain.  My friends who know him and spend time with us, think I am being too hard on him, they look at it as a mistake and one that should be forgiven.  That is why I wanted advice and feedback from those outside of our relationship.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Janeofmyjungle wrote Mar 1, 2009
    • 3sa, flowers???? to him???? are you insane?????  He does feel like a loser and an ass and he has already said he knows he lost me, he has also said I deserve better.  So if I do decide to work this out, it is not going to be overnight, he needs to feel this, that he may lose me, his job, his freedom and probably some friends.  I have no intentions of making this easy for him.  There will be no money, no helping find an attorney or any research......he is on his own and there will be NOOOOOO FLOWERS, got it....lol  

      Look you know him, so you are not completely unbiased and you have always wanted us to be together.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      3sa wrote Mar 1, 2009
    • LOL Jane I don’t see that in my handbook, let me read through again....LOL



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Janeofmyjungle wrote Mar 1, 2009
    • You and that dang “hopeless romantic handbook“, but let me ask...how many times has that hit you in the ass......lmao....sorry you had to go there....love you



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      3sa wrote Mar 1, 2009
    • ok ok true true !!!



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