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I have had such a hard time being myself through life. Maybe it's because I've always wanted to feel accepted and I have felt afraid that if I were my true self I wouldn't be accepted. Not that there is anything major wrong with who I am, it's just that I have always been afraid of someone seeing my faults. I'm not sure if this all stems from my childhood or not.
I have no friends at all. I have had a couple in the last 25 years but one of them passed away and the other just faded away. It's hard in a big city to meet other women. Everyone seems so busy with their own lives or they have their own set of friends already in place. I do work 3 days a week but it's for a very small company. There is a lady that I work with but she seems she's not interested in having a friendship and she's the one that hired me.
I have the most wonderful husband any woman could ask for. It's just that sometimes I need and want the "girl time" to talk about silly things women talk about or to hear a different opinion other than my husbands.
I went to the doctor yesterday for my annual physical and there was something abnormal on the EKG. I have an appointment set up for next Tuesday for a stress test. I don't mind telling you I'm really scared that something serious is wrong. I know it is only human nature sometimes to think the worse in these situations but I feel I have good reason. My older brother passed away 2 years ago of a heart attack. My other brother, who is 18 months older than me, has had 2 heart attacks. I have not taken the best care of myself throughout the years (you're seeing my faults) I don't eat right, I don't exercise, and I have smoked for 35 years!! I've been telling myself "what do you expect" a body can't keep being abused this way and nothing happen.
I'm not sure what the doctors are going to find out but regardless my life has to change. I know it's going to be the hardest thing I have ever done and I will start with baby steps and pray the steps get bigger and easier along the way.
Thanks for listening to my ramblings.....I know I'm kind of all over the place.