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Girls, today I am seriously depressed.  

It actually became acute yesterday when I was looking at a cat picture and the comments from the owner about how that dearly departed cat loved her. I then begin to think about the cat I lost too. I have been thinking a lot about cats lately and wanting one or two or many, I really can’t do anything a little...I always dive in and go to excesses in my bliss. So I ask myself, why am I so damn depressed now other than I miss my cat.  

Well, first I can’t have a cat where I currently live because the owner doesn’t allow any pets, even one that uses a litter box and scratching post. But really, it is more than that.  

My house has mold issues that I have been fighting and they are not getting any better so I am concerned about my health. The landlord re-sided the trailer and remodeled the interior and did all he could on the issue but it is an old mobile home so it has taken root and I don’t think it can be resolved. Moving is the answer of course but where to get the money and where to go. I already work two jobs, I don’t know that I can do anymore.  

I live in a town that has inflated rents due to the college student population. When you can fit 3 or 4 students in a unit and have each pay $300, why not charge everyone at these rates. It would all be good and fine if the wages here matched the cost of living but they don’t. Again, you can pay a student minimum wage or a little more and you have new students every year to fill the positions. You also have a pool of hungry graduates ready to accept lower wages to get their start.  

Speaking of work. My job sucks. I’m a manager and am really good at what I do. I can motivate and inspire people like you wouldn’t believe and I am truly loved by those I supervise. But I am no longer a leader, I am being run in circles with some serious micromanagement. I work 10-12 hours a day and I still cannot get caught up, they have us doing so much BS that it is impossible. I am told we all need to manage our time better. It isn’t the issue! Hell I used to work my eight hours a day and my team was ranked 7th in the building out of 25!

I have worked for the company for 4 years and am fed up with the total disregard they have for people. I could go on and on about the horror stories, but I won’t, although I’m sure it has a lot to do with my current state of mind. A couple of months ago I realized that my employer is an abuser. I clearly seen my ex in there practices, they manipulate and use people till they use them up or toss them out. We are constantly told that things will get better but it never happens; wages, working conditions, and support. There is total instability in the organization and we have had major leadership changes several times in the last year. The constant though is the lack of respect for people.  

I digress though, back to the cat. The cat, Tweetie Bird, she was with me when I was an organizer and directed a non profit. When I was doing something I loved and was appreciated for. Before the economy started its downward turn and people contributed less and the funding dried up and Speak United lost its major backing...

I want to be inspiring again, I want to use my creativity again. I have so many hobbies that I’m sure I didn’t list them all because it wouldn’t have been believable. Again, I go to excesses. I love making things but I don’t really do any of it much anymore. I think being here with all you wonderful ladies has brought that to the forefront of my mind. Passionate Bernadette she inspires me, makes me want to fight again and not accept things as they are - Sisters of Rebellion! Many, many of you are also responsible for this change in bringing me back home to who I really am, through your wonderful stories and questions, the support provided, and drawing the line when enough is enough.  

I just want to cut and run from the house full of mold and no pets, and the job that sucks. I have this voice in my head, just like when I left my ex, it keeps saying over and over JUST DO IT, YOU MAY NOT EVER GET OUT OTHERWISE, DAMN THE CONSQUENCES!  

My oldest daughter is moving to a small town about 20 miles away. The rents are less and the community is just wonderful, everyone is so nice. I get to see her weekly now, but it will be less with this move. I want to move there and be close to her and those wonderful grandchildren. I owe rent right now, I want to just say the hell with it! and let the deposit take care of the last month. I know it’s irresponsible, that’s the struggle, because I am always the responsible one that everyone can count on.

I want to quit the job that sucks and is sucking the life out of me. Hell with the health and dental insurance! The pay isn’t that great anyway, for a few dollars less I could work at Burger King if I had to and have peace of mind. In fact with all the hours I put in, I might make the same amount of money.  

I know I should plan and save and get everything set up before I make a move on either fronts but I am afraid I will not make it out otherwise just like that voice in my head keeps telling me.

To start over, to have a new beginning this is what I’m needing.

Mary Jo



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mjmurphy wrote Apr 30, 2009
    • hope this posted



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Apr 30, 2009
    • if there is mold he HAS to fix it w/o worry of eviction. Pretty sure in most states it is the law.  

      I know about HATING jobs, but in this economy be glad you are working right now. Just make sure u have another job before leaving this one as they are hard to find.

      Maybe you could move closer to your dd when she moves. Less expensive rent. As for the rent u owe, until the mold issues is fixed you might not have to pay. I know this too is the law in some states.

      About your kitty, i wish i could stop that pain. I still miss and cry for my babies I have lost. That is something a furbaby lover never gets over.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mjmurphy wrote Apr 30, 2009
    • Thank you MzTracy, I’m going to look into the rental laws.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Apr 30, 2009
    • Mary Jo, it’s ok to feel what you feel. And, 20 miles is not very far so not an incredible amount of risk if you decide to move. I’m pretty cautious and would suggest securing another job and finding a place to live firt, though. In the economy today, it could take a little extra time. But if it’s in your heart to move and start over, something to look at.

      I’m also very sorry about your kitty. It’s heartbreaking to lose a beloved pet. I fully understand that pain.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mjmurphy wrote Apr 30, 2009
    • Thanks Cynthia, I think I needed to hear that it is ok to feel this way. I think I’ve become overwhelmed because I was denying all this for awhile and putting it aside and not dealing with it. Now it just hit me like a ton of bricks and the flight instinct is kicking in.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Apr 30, 2009
    • mj, sometimes in life we need to break free.  

      My concern is your well being...your boss sounds like one i worked for years ago. i know it can be rough, but again, for now, just smile nod your head and act like you are listening. Now is the perfect time to job hunt while having a job.  

      remember also to breathe...estatic



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mjmurphy wrote Apr 30, 2009
    • I hear you MzTracy and I do appreciate it greatly. I’m going to put my game face on next time I go in to work and stop trying to change anything there. I stopped and got a newspaper on my way home from outing this evening and have jotted down some plans for tomorrow toward job and house hunting. It is funny that you say to breathe, while I was cleaning offices this evening I kept thinking, just breathe, just breathe, and began to feel much better.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote May 1, 2009
    • Honey stop beating yourself up - your a bright articulate woman so don’t let their problems become yours.

      Do a plan of action and let us give you support and advice to get over the worst of the change



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mjmurphy wrote May 1, 2009
    • Thank you for your kind words Vicki, I will.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Shopgirl1960 wrote May 1, 2009
    • mj, put a plan into action to change those things that are making you unhappy... one step at a time. Sometimes just knowing that soon you will be making those changes will lift your spirits!  I look forward to reading your future blogs as to your tiny steps towards your freedom to truly enjoy life.

      Best wishes for a joyful life!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Robinesque wrote May 1, 2009
    • Mj, don’t be so afraid of moving.  Just do it!  You will have the support of going somewhere where you know someone like your daughter, and if you have to work @ Burger King, so be it!  You wouldn’t be inhaling that toxic mold, the landlord can take the security deposit (that’s what it’s for!), pack up the car and just GO!

      Sometimes it just doesn’t pay to over think and be an adult about some things.  Your peace of mind is at stake.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Fraz764 wrote May 1, 2009
    • MJ, go with the voice in your head, make a plan and RUN IT!! I was feeling much the way you are, I did it and have never felt better. Life is too short and uncertain.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote May 1, 2009
    • Hi MJ. I hope you‘re feeling a little better, even if just a little. Your circumstances are different but I can relate to how you‘re feeling.
      First things first. The mold issue pertains to your health and must be tended to one way or another. And yes, law says landlords must rent to tenants in acceptable living conditions. He very well may have to pay for you to move if this mold issue cannot be solved. In addition, would he or she live with a mold issue in his/her house? Really. There needs to be a solution there absolutely.
      So that’s the health thing- I hope this is solved quickly for you. Can he seal it off with “KILZ” at least??
      As for the pet, they definitely make things happier. You’ll have pets again. No worries. Maybe just not right now. You must take care of YOU first. That will come later. But know that it will. You’ll find the perfect cuddly kitties then. :)
      If you‘re out and about today, you could always stop in at a pet store and play with a few just to get a ‘kitty fix‘. I used to do that once in awhile after I had to leave my boxer, who was like a family member. He behaved just like a little person. lol I was heartbroken as he was 4 yrs old and I’d raised/trained him since he was born. I’ll get another one, you bet. happy
      As for moving, GO FOR IT! If it will make you happier and you know this, then make some plans and make your fresh start. That’s great! Just don’t make any ‘kneejerk’ decisions in a rush based on how you‘re feeling at the moment. Your job (which you‘re very lucky to have by the way) is crucial to keep until you find another one- but you know that. Have you talked to your daughter about this at all?
      You’ll feel better soon- it’s easy to get depressed these days- I’m an expert in that department. Just for today, try to focus on what you CAN do to contribute to your awesome happy future- which I just know it will be, even if there are just simple baby steps to take for the time being. :) They DO add up! And go make yourself look gorgeous in the meantime. Spoil yourself a little today if you can. Maybe your fave dessert today or fave cup of mocha or lunch or something like a little treat to brighten up your day. Throw on your fave music, or movie. chill. Know everything will be alright. It is after all, inevitable. :)
      Have a nice day.happy



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mjmurphy wrote May 1, 2009
    • Thank you all for your support and advice. I see there were many views, but only a handful left comments. It is hard to look at a train wreck and acknowledge it, I understand, that’s how I got where I am right now. For those of you who took the time to read through this very long winded blog, I really appreciate it. I have some very close friends from work and have talked with them but when you are all drowning you cannot look to each other for assistance. You fabulous ladies tossed a lifeline out to me.

      Jenz - I know you have been going through a lot yourself and have read your recent posts. I may not have left comments because I don’t know all the background and many of the ladies that posted comments seemed to have a handle on your situation. I think you‘re a lovely person and hope things improve for you. I am touched that you commented when you are facing so much yourself. I have used KLZ where I can, it is beyond that. It is in the walls I guess. Since I refuse to look away any longer, I will say out loud here that I believe it is black mold and therefore a very serious health threat. My daughter and I are very close. She actually chose this town because I told her how wonderful it was and nice place for raising a family. I was thinking of moving there when I got this place but didn’t because it would have put me further from her and the grandchildren. I have talked to her about moving near her and she is wanting me to do that so I can be more active in her and the children’s lives. She is pregnant with her third child and can use the help, if only to drop the kids off every now and then for a breather. I have not been able to do that for her because we don’t live that near to each other now and the crazy hours I have been putting in.  

      My daughter posted a song for me today on her my space, it has a message for me, I will see if I can get it added to my playlist. It is Mary by Tori Amos.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mjmurphy wrote May 1, 2009
    • PS - I am feeling better. For those of you who understand chakras, I can feel the energy moving through me, a good sign that blocked areas are clearing. As a thank you I have posted songs for you, the 2nd and 3rd on playlist.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Laurie Zieber wrote May 1, 2009
    • No!  You‘re such a great encourager and such a sunshine into my day we must not have you refer to your life a a train wreck.  i won’t have it I tell you!  

      Let’s make a list! oooh goody. I love lists!
      Let’s call it  

      Mary Jo’s Fab Life List

      Now. what action could you take without obstacles that would give you some immediate improvement however small?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mjmurphy wrote May 1, 2009
    • Lol, you‘re so sweet Laurie, made me laugh! I have posted a list for today. But I really like your title so I think I will use it for the 1-3 month plan.

      I really like what you said here: Now. what action could you take without obstacles that would give you some immediate improvement however small?
      First: I opened up two windows in my kitchen and have a cross breeze going so I’m getting good air, although it’s getting a little cool in here.
      Second: I think I need to think without obstacles. Like a child.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Laurie Zieber wrote May 1, 2009
    • want me to send you the phone number for the code dept?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mjmurphy wrote May 1, 2009
    • Ok, I will do that first thing Monday since they won’t be open tomorrow. Thanks for all the information Lisa, I’ve been too overwhelmed to think of how I could be helped by calling in the proper authorities. I have renters rights in my boxes from organizing days, I will look for that and see if there are specific forms that must be filled out for complaint to be looked into. Thanks Laurie, I have the numbers, they used to know me by first name when I ran Speak United.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Laurie Zieber wrote May 1, 2009
    • Just one more thing before I go to bed-  

      What you said about work is happening in work places all over the country-  

      My husband is a director with a huge corporation and not only is he having to cut and cut and cut his labor expenses but everyone is expected to produce more for less income.  

      So, take heart and a panoramic view- it’s not just your job.  

      Changing jobs likely won’t change that fact.  

      Changing locations would help in terms of rent- you‘re right about the inflated cost of housing there as a result of the students. But the good thing about all of those students is that the code department is very receptive to tenant complaints.  One call and they will be right out with their clip boards!  

      So there’s a couple of things to consider.  Make sure you‘re aware of it if you‘re in the fight or flight zone...

      good nite sweetie.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Laurie Zieber wrote May 1, 2009
    • I have a wonderful friend there I’ve known for 20 years who is a counselor for women through SRS-  

      She is a resource gold mine and would be eager to assist you on a professional basis or otherwise-



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mjmurphy wrote May 1, 2009
    • Thank you Laurie, you‘re a sweetheart.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Deanna Moon wrote May 2, 2009
    • My advice to you would be to go with your gut instict. I have lived in a place with a mold problem and it can cause severe respiratory problems that cannot be reversed.  Jobs unfortunately all suck these days, I feel your pain..Mine is the same..I work for the state and they treat us like shit, we have to justify every minute of every day for our jobs and having a Union doesn’t even mean anything today as they‘re all sleeping with the enemy..Sigh.. it can definitely make a person severely depressed.  Could you get a kitten?  It fills the void and can ease your pain somewhat..Or maybe see if you and your daughter can hook up with a place together and split the rent? You’d have someone there to talk to and love..it may make you feel better. Just remember, you always have us.  We may only give you advice, but sometimes when enough people are telling you to “Go for it” it can be the positive boost you need to make that needed change in your life.  Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do, meanwhile just go to work, know that you can’t do it alone and it’s not necessary to have to “Make a difference at work” because today, our employers are only concerned with their own greed and making themselves look good.  I hope you can connect with your daughter on a place, cuz nothings better than a Mothers love..from an adopted daughter that didn’t get it..Peace
      Deanna



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Deanna Moon wrote May 2, 2009
    • Sorry I forgot you said you can’t have a cat, maybe when you move..



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