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No Trophies!!

3.  Another reason why I should be in charge of the world—I would make folks who are considering "trophy" marriages go through hours of counseling with a panel of experts.

    Why, you ask?  Because I'm the boss and I said so.

    Let us use our common sense here.  That is, if we have any.

     Why would a beautiful (okay—we're assuming beautiful here; beauty is in the eye of the beholder, after all) young person be interested in someone significantly older?  For goodness' sake, they can't have all that much in common.  Do they know Earth shoes?  Disco?  Life with only three channels?  No!  They have no concept of reality as we knew it.  So what exactly do you talk about?

    Oh, I forgot.  It's not about talking.

    It's about money.

    Do you hear that, middle-aged man?  She married you for the money.  And then took you to the cleaners when you got too old and boring.  If you had been through my five-point checklist prior to tying the knot with a HIGHLY inappropriate person, then you could avoid both heartbreak and the laughter of friends and strangers alike.


1.  The younger party must be able to identify, from photographs, five of the following:

Fess Parker, Topo Gigio, Dianne Carrol, Cyndi Lauper, Richard         Nixon, Jane Pauley, Abe Vigoda, Lionel Ritchie

     The older party must be able to identify three of five:

Chris Browne, Nick Jonas, Sienna Miller, Tim Gunn, Twitchington

2.  You must live in abject poverty for six weeks.  Subsidized housing, clothes and household items from the thrift store, and Beanie Weenies.  A big night out?  The 99 cent special at Taco Bell.

3.  During those six weeks?  Absolute celibacy.  This is to ensure that there are not distractions from the matter at hand, which is seeing if you can live together despite (a) being poor, and (b) not getting any.

4.  Panel interviews should be conducted, separately, for each of the potential spouses.  These interviews should involve both thought-provoking questions and humiliation.  Potential spouses must be able to list at least twelve reasons for getting married.  Being 'in love' will not be accepted as one of the twelve.

5.  Former family dynamics should be scrutinized.  Exes?  Kids?  Grill 'em.  Then make them interview the prospective spouses.  Give them bonus money if they can make them cry.

This could work.


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