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Nobember 11, 2008
My premise is simple....I told myself that after October 8th I would not think about my cancer again and would start on the road to recovery.  No more pity parties or sadness would cross my path.

Ha, what a load of crap.  I gotta tell you that the treatment is sometimes worse than the disease.  I had 39 treatments, give or take and I thought the worse of it was all behind me.  Well I could not have been more wrong.  To make matters worse I never really understood the ramifications of the radiation treatment and the possible side effects that I would encounter.  Or if they would be permanent or temporary.  My doctors are now finally telling me that it could be permanent.  I think that is when I lost my sense of humor and hit rock bottom with dehydration, low blood pressure and oxygen in the blood.

That is when I took a turn for the worst.  You see I have been a bad girl and ended up back in the hospital for my IV dinner.  It seems the only way this body is going to get nourishment is through a small tube in my arm.  It's not that I like needles.  In fact, when I see a needle I usually faint from fear.  To add insult to injury they had to poke me at least 6 times because one of the side effects of dehydration is that your usually plump veins are deflated and lack the blood pressure to allow the needle to find a good vein to insert the tube.  

I would not wish my present state on my worst enemy.  To put it bluntly I don't want to eat. It sounds horrible doesn't it?  I never kept track of my food intake so I'm assuming that I stopped eating and drinking about a week and ½ ago.  I know...I know that sounds stupid.  Trust me folks my Mom, husband and Oncologist have already read me the riot act.  Everyone and their cousin has threatened me with bodily hard.  I know that I need food as fuel so that I can walk and talk.  I get it...I get it.  Nevertheless, try and imagine that you cannot taste anything.  Try eating just one of your meals holding your breath.  Now here is the terrible part...imagine that you have no saliva in which to melt your food.  Ugh!  Trust me when I tell you that you cannot put yourself in that shoe I am sure.  I know if I do not eat, I will die.  It's as simple as that but even being that simple I find it a hard task to do.  So....for the sake of my family and friends who love me I will eat.  I stuff food in my face and derive no enjoyment at all out of it.  It takes a glass of liquid just to get 2-3 mouthfuls of food down my throat.  

My wish is that I will write a blog sometime in the near future, where I'll scream to the heavens that food is good.  However, until then I will suffer loudly.

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Monday, November 17, 2008
Today was Military day at Golden Corral, which means my hubby received a free meal.  I had to pay for my meal but that was fine.  I gotta tell you I tried everything and could not taste one thing.  However, do not feel bad for me.  I felt sort of liberated in a strange way.  As my sister put it I weigh about 113lbs and can eat anything I want with no penalty.  I thought about that for a minute and said Ureka!  I can be a eating machine with no guilt.  So I must have went up to the buffet bar about 7 times.  I was not wasteful and only took one to two spoonfuls of everything.  I even had dessert.  I tasted the blueberry pie, lemon meringue pie, chocolate chip cookies and even the ice cream.  Dare I say I feel full.  That is the first time I have felt full in 4 months.  More importantly because I only picked the items that interested me I did not feel nauseous.  I am also sleepy because we went for a stroll around my neighborhood when I got home.  This month is the Parade of homes and I get such a kick out of walking into new construction before folks move in.  Sorry my Fab40 Friends but I cannot play with you this evening.  I think I’m going to bed early.  I cannot wait to see what fantastic foods await me tomorrow.  My hubby is making me breakfast in bed and I know there are strawberries and pancake involved.  Ta Ta!

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Tuesday, November 18, 2008  

Ok breakfast was a success.  Everything looked delicious and smelled great.  But, the biggest surprise was I felt frisky by mid-morning.  Unfortunately hubby had to leave for work but I can't wait till the weekend.  I promise I won't say anything x-rated but I'm embarrassed to admit that I have been afraid to be intimate with my husband since I was diagnosed in July.  First they pulled some teeth when they removed the tumor from my face, secondly I lost all my hair and third my face was scarred from the radiation.  I just didn't feel attractive anymore.  When I look in the mirror I see a malnourished little girl not the woman I used to be.  I know I should just be happy that I am alive but a part of me wants things to go back to the way they were.  Now that I am finished with treatment and I'm no longer a cancer patient I have nothing to blame for my sad state of affairs.  Oh I almost forgot I gained one more pound so that is a plus.  I had my follow-up with my ENT and he confirmed that my one remaining saliva gland might or might not ever return to its normal state.  We talked about my upcoming PET scan and the potential for hot spots cropping up.  This means that the cancer that should have been killed by my radiation treatments may have migrated to other places in my face or to the other side of my jaw.  The fact that I had the tumor for almost a year makes the probability greater but I say the devils a liar and the cancer is all gone.  AMEN!

I want to add a special prayer for my friend 40andwhere and ask that if you are reading this blog you will go to her blog and post your prayers and words of encouragement to let her know that she is loved by total strangers who wish for her to choose life.  We are asking that you seek help during this painful time in your life.  I usually take a pain pill right about now but I'm going to abstain so I can stay up and read her blog and confirm that she has changed her thinking and is sounding more positive.  Having felt the depths of despair I know how checking out of this life can sound so much easier than living with the daily pain of life's disappointments.  But again I say the devils a liar.  AMEN!
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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Nov 11, 2008
    • my sweet friend! i am so sorry you are going through this! know i am keeping you lifted in prayer.. grab onto God girl.. hold Him tighter then ever before! i am here for you anytime! please call if you need anything.. ok?
      please eat.. you need you... your family needs you, and we need you!
      Gods Blessings to you..
      Love, n hugs
      Linni



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Nov 11, 2008
    • Words cannot really help me to describe my feelings and thoughts, so I can send you a quiet prayer and wait till you blog.  Take care.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cheryl Sharpton wrote Nov 11, 2008
    • Thanks Linni,

      I know...I know.  Trust me when I say I know I have no choice but to eat.  I wish I could wave a magic wand or something and just do it.  But, it’s so very very hard.  I’ll talk to you tomorrow.  Thanks for the words of encouragement.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jacquie6363 wrote Nov 11, 2008
    • Hi Warriorprincess:

      My prayers to you in this time.  I know, I know, you have heard it all, but you have to eat.  Food is Good...remember?  I would not claim to know what you are going through, but I sure do that you would soon regain an appetite.

      Your strength has gotten you this far and will take you further...and you will one day be able to enjoy a meal prepared for the princess that you are.  

      Peace



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Nov 11, 2008
    • you are a strong woman, and i am honored to be your friend!  i am here to encourage you, make you laugh, and kick you in the bum when ya need it! :) all in love my friend! looking forward to talking to tomorrow night!

      love n hugs
      Linni



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cindy Stewart Penkoff wrote Nov 11, 2008
    • Cheryl,
      I can not say I know what you are going through.  I have seen it before; a few times.  It is devistating to watch, it is more devistating for you to live it.  As if the cancer was not insult enough, to take away such a basic survival instinct such as eating must make you feel abandonned on all fronts.  It is not your job to make others feel better.  It is your job to kick cancer in the ass and show it who’s boss.  You see when this is all said and done, you will have a life to go back to and cancer will have nothing.

      So milkshakes it may be for you for the as long as it takes.  But, this too shall pass and you will eat again and enjoy the process when you do.

      Be well my friend.  You‘re in my thoughts.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Dana Arcuri wrote Nov 11, 2008
    • Cheryl, I am so sorry to hear of the challenging and difficult time that you are having to endure.  My heart aches for you and I am truly saddened by your physical and emotional pain.
      My prayer for you is that God would give you the strength to eat, would comfort you during this distressing time and provide hope for you to cling to so you can press onward in this journey.  If you need anyone to talk to, feel free to contact me, I am here for you.  

      I had been a volunteer for the American Cancer Society in the Look Good Feel Better Program.  It is a free program for all patients undergoing chemotherapy and/or radiation.  The program is usually at hospitals, is a short class on skincare, makeup, wigs, hats and scarf idea’s to encourage patients to look & feel better.  Each individual who takes this free class receives a $200 cosmetic kit for FREE! Here is the link if you ever want to check into this program or find a local hospital in your city:

      [Link Removed]

      Keep on keeping on and don’t give up hope!

      God Bless,
      Dana


      Godsglamourgirl, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Yana Berlin wrote Nov 11, 2008
    • Cheryl Darling, if anyone can pull through this it YOU.

      Look there are so many of us standing behind you rooting for you.

      Your side effects are not permanent don’t believe the doctors, focus on staying positive.

      Sending you great big hugs,
      Y



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lorilyn wrote Nov 12, 2008
    • When a close friend of mine went through this and I felt words were so insincere,we just hugged.
      ((((((HUGS))))
      Hold in there and fight the crap outta this!!
      There will be a time when you’ll feel better and taste again.To do that stay on the road and steer away from what you already know.
      Be encouraged!you are cared about :)



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lisa Middlesworth wrote Nov 12, 2008
    • Cheryl, what a strong, courageous lady you are. As Cindy suggested, milkshakes if you can get them down and Ensure. If you can drink the ensure, it has all the nutrients you need until you feel up to eating again. My Grandmother, while in treatment always kept a styrofoam cup with ice chips and water. That kept her from dehydrating.
      I admire you for the fight girl, keep fighting.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jomi wrote Nov 12, 2008
    • !http://images.fabulously40.com/uploadedimage/2393/thumbx120/graduation-024.jpg!Please just keep fighting.  My cousin went through the same thing two years ago.  He is now fine.  Don’t listen to the Dr.’s.  They don’t really know.  God knows!  He will restore you!  Ensure, Ensure, Ensure..it’s liquid so it will go down easier for you and it has tons of nutrition.  You may have to begin with baby steps, but soon you will be able to eat and taste.
      My prayers are with you.
      God bless!


      Jomi, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cheryl Sharpton wrote Nov 12, 2008
    • Thanks.  I love my fab40 friends.  Your words are so comforting.  I am crying as I read them.  I want to make you all proud of me and do my part.  I can’t believe you all understand how hard eating is for me.  My therapist makes me feel like I’m some kind of nut because eating is not a life choice like whether to smoke or not.  I keep telling her I'm trying and I get the impression she thinks I'm doing this for attention.  How I wish it were that easy.  Nevertheless, on to the good news of the day.  I had two mouthfuls of food for breakfast.  I think it was an egg sandwich but I can't be sure because my husband is no chef.  He tries and for that I love him.  He is taking me to the market in a little while to smell the fruits and veggie and pick out the table flowers for our romantic dinner this Saturday.  I am also going to pick up a lot of the drink called Ensure. My hubby says the fab40 ladies are smart since Ensure is an excellent source of vitamins for people who are unable to eat a balanced meal. He is so glad I found this site because he feels so helpless sometimes.  He said to let everyone know that you are my Angels.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Dee Dee Shaw wrote Nov 17, 2008
    • Cheryl,
      Postive, positive, positive. Call yourself Pollyanna. LOL And if haven’t read the book, get it at the library. It will make you smile. :)
      You are in my prayers!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Nov 17, 2008
    • Hey you are making great progress, I am so proud of you.  I have a friend called Margaret and she fell down from a ladder, since then she has no taste (which I teased her)...can you think of her when you have a hard time in eating?? Thank you.  You know what I mean.  xoxo



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cheryl Sharpton wrote Nov 19, 2008
    • Hi happymomma/chinadoll.  Thank you for checking in.  I’m drinking and eating small meals and it’s just part of my day like taking a pill.  But after reading Denise4’s blog I now have a new mission.  I am going to be her up-line and cheerleader.  I will pray for her recovery and for chinadoll’s friend Margaret.  These are battles and can be won by camaraderie.  I am here for the long haul.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 20, 2008
    • Miss Warrior-I want to be like you when I grow up...



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Leadinladytracy wrote Nov 22, 2008
    • Never mind I just read your blogs. I will add you to my prayer list.



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