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One for the girls

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you’ve done.  

Five tips for a woman.....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn’t lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.  

Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
“If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we‘re nuts.”



  •  

Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lois Stern wrote Apr 15, 2008
    • Hello Yvonne,

      I also live on LI (Huntington), so we are near neighbors who have found one another on Fabulously 40. I love your jokes about women and beauty. Did you write the new version of “Now I lay me down to sleep” or find it somewhere else? I am looking for some cute jokes relating to beauty for a new book I am involved with and wonder if you have a source to suggest - or some more jokes to share. (nothing raunchy - just cute jokes that resonate with others and will bring smiles to readers’ faces.)

      Very best,
      Lois W. Stern
      Author of SEX, LIES AND COSMETIC SURGERY
      [Link Removed]


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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Yvonneo wrote Apr 15, 2008
    • Hello Neighbor,

      I did not rewrite "Now I lay me down to sleep". I just read it somewhere. One of those things you read, without the mnetion of the original author.

      You may like this one also. I found it on a Yahoo group also without mention of any author.

      Killing Her Softly  

      When the alarm rings she slowly gets out of bed, turns on the shower and under the steady stream of warm water, she gently scrubs her body with Ammonia, Formaldehyde and Phenol.  

      Next, she shampoos her tinted hair with DEA and Sodium Lauryl Sulfate.  Rinsing the shampoo, she applies a good amount of mutagenic DEA & Propylene Glycol and lets it penetrate while she pops the top on the shaving cream and shaves her legs with A-Pinene.  

      The shower finished, she towel dries and spreads on an even coat of Contaminant, Polycyclic Aromatic Hydrocarbons (PHAs) and a dusting of an Asbestos Substance over her skin. She sprays the scented Aluminum under her arms, brushes her teeth with FD&C Blue#1 & Resorcinol, Saccharin, and Fluoride. Then she rinses and gargles with Ethanol and Phenol Alcohol. She combs setting gel through her hair then blows it dry and sprays it with polyvinylpyrrolidine (PVP).  

      Sitting at her vanity, she carefully applies a thin film of Phenol Carbolic Acid, Dioxin and Propylene Glycol, over her face to reduce the fine lines.  

      Today, she’ll wear foundation and a little FD&C Red #3. And, better add some eye-Iron Oxide for today is a special meeting and a little Toxic and Mutagenic Ascorbyl Palmitate to line her lids and a stroke of Bacteria & Polyvinylpyrrolide (PVP) to her lashes.  

      A dab of Benzo-A-Pyrene and Benzo-B-Fluroanthene to color her lips, a spritz of her favorite scent, Toluene and Benzaldehyde, and a little Carcinogenic Nitrosamine, NMPABAO on her face arms and legs to block the suns rays and she is set for the day. She looks radiant and healthy, but her looks are killing her!  

      If you are wondering if these poisons are being absorbed through her skin go cut open a clove of garlic and rub it on the bottom of your foot and see how long it takes to taste it in your mouth, about 3 seconds!  

      What have these product brands exposed her to in a matter of minutes? Read on to learn about what it is that we are really putting on and in our bodies every day.  

      *Bar Soap has a pH of 9, which removes the protective acid mantle of the skin making it more alkaline and therefore, more vulnerable to penetration. It also contains ammonia, formaldehyde and phenol, known carcinogens and triclocarbans.  

      *Shampoo contains cocamide DEA, which is associated with carcinogenic nitrosamines and sodium lauryl sulfate, a known mutagen.  

      *Hair Tint contains quaternium-15, which releases carcinogenic formaldehyde and the carcinogen, phenylenediamine.  

      *Conditioner contains DEA & Propylene Glycol both known mutagenic carcinogens.  

      *Shaving Cream contains a-pinene, a chemical that damages the immune system.  

      *Body Lotion contains mineral oil, which, as a cosmetic grade petroleum product, includes the contaminant polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons (PHAs) known as xenoestrogens that can mimic estrogen in the body.  

      *Dusting Powder contains talc, a substance like asbestos. When talc was combined with a common air pollutant, benzo(a)pyrene, it induced tumors in 80% of the animals tested. Many scientists believe talc should be placed on the “known carcinogens” list.  

      *Deodorant has aluminum, which is being tested in connection to Alzheimers.  

      *Toothpaste contains saccharin and FD&C Blue#1, which are carcinogens. It also contains resorcinol, which can cause a blood disorder (methemoglobinemia), convulsions and death. Fluoride is also a known carcinogen.  

      *Mouthwash contains 27% ethanol, which is suspected of causing esophageal cancer. It also contains phenol, which can cause fatal poisonings through skin absorption.  

      *Hair Spray contains polyvinylpyrrolidine (PVP) and reports show that it may cause harm if the particles are inhaled. Modest intravenous doses fed to rats caused tumors.  

      *Skin Moisturizer contains phenol carbolic acid, which can cause circulatory collapse, paralysis, convulsions, coma and death as a result of respiratory failure. It also contains PEG-40, which contains dangerious levels of dioxin and propylene glycol, which studies show, can negatively alter brain waves and cause liver and kidney disorders.  

      *Blush contains FD&C Red #3, which caused human breast cells to grow, mimics the effect of natural estrogen at the molecular level and damages the genetic material of human breast cells.  

      *Eye shadow contains iron oxide, which is a suspected carcinogen, teratogen or toxin.  

      *Eyeliner contains ascorbyl palmitate, and studies suggest that the palmitates are to be considered carcinogenic, mutagenic, or toxic.  

      *Mascara may be contaminated with bacteria. It also contains polyvinylpyrrolide (PVP), a carcinogen.  

      *Lipstick contains paraffin, which is a mixture of hydrocarbons and is derived from petroleum. It is known to be contaminated with the carcinogens, benzo-a-pyrene and benzo-b-fluroanthene.  

      *Perfume contains toluene, a suspected potent carcinogen that was found in every fragrance tested, and benzaldehyde, which is a central nervous system depressant that may cause kidney damage.  

      *Sunscreen contains padimate O and the preservative, BNPD, which together create the carcinogenic nitrosamine, NMPABAPO  

      Hugs,
      Yvonne



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lois Stern wrote Apr 15, 2008
    • Oh, my heavens, we should all be dead and buried by now! How depressing!

      Time to go watch American Idol and cheer myself up. Do you watch it too? I’m rooting for one of the Davids. I think they are both fantastic!

      Hugs back,
      Lois W. Stern
      Author of SEX, LIES AND COSMETIC SURGERY
      [Link Removed]


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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Yvonneo wrote Apr 15, 2008
    • American Idol, Hell’s Kitchen and The Biggest Loser... I love those shows. I love the little David. But of the women I think Brooke and Carly are great also.

      Yvonne



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lois Stern wrote Apr 16, 2008
    • Yes, Brooke must be the sweetest woman on Earth. She has such a kind manner and gentle smile. If I had young children, and needed a nanny, she would be my pick - hands down. Carly has a wonderfully rich voice and appealing personality, but I’m always glad when she wears sooemthing to cover the tatoos on her right arm!  

      Lois W. stern
      Author of SEX, LIES AND COSMETIC SURGERY
      [Link Removed]


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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Yvonneo wrote Apr 16, 2008
    • LOL... that is exactly what i said to my hubby: “Carly should wear something with long sleeves happy

      I came to the States to be a nanny to a wonderful 9 year old. I loved it. Now I am soooo happy to have a job in a daycare center and cuddle with 15-20 little ones each day!!

      Yvonne



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lois Stern wrote Apr 17, 2008
    • Good morning, Yvonne,
      You sound like a sweetheart, too. Anyone who loves children has to have a good heart. I spent the first 20 years of my career as a reading and special ed teacher in a popular Suffolk County school district. I loved every minute of it, but just seemd directed to get more involved with writing. I think I was meant to do both.

      BTW: Speaking of tatoos, did you get a look at Carly’s husband’s face. Beyond disgusting! Anyway, I’m so glad she and Brooke both made it to the next round.

      Cheers,
      Lois W. Stern
      Author of SEX, LIES AND COSMETIC SURGERY
      [Link Removed]


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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Yvonneo wrote Apr 18, 2008
    • LOL.. each time I see Carly’s husband I go “YUK”

      I love writing also and would like to publish my ‘adventures on Long Island’ as an ebook, but just can not seem to find the time to do so. Maybe timing is not right yet... and I will find time when I am ready to do it. I wrote an online dairy from the day I arrived her at JFK about 4 1/2 years ago happy

      Hugs and enjoy the wonderful weather this weekend,
      Yvonne



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lois Stern wrote Apr 18, 2008
    • Hi Yvonne,

      As far as that e-book, one day you will wake up and say “This is the day to get truckin’ on this project.” Once you begin, if you are anything like me, you won’t be able to put it down.  

      Did you think American Idol fans made the right choice in voting off Megan Cook last week? It’s getting harder each week, because the ones remaining are a talened lot. I do think ultimately it will be between the two Davids. Tune in next week and we will see who will be next.

      Yes, today was glorious. What a day!

      Very best,
      Lois W. Stern
      Author of SEX, LIES AND COSMETIC SURGERY
      [Link Removed]


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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Yvonneo wrote Apr 19, 2008
    • Good morning,

      I think Megan sings great, but she is not THE American Idol. She will be contacted by someone to help her get a record deal. I am sure. I still think Ms Smiles, Brooke, has a good chance also.

      Looking forward to next week...

      Off to do some cleaning up in the backyard and fill it with lovely yellow flower seeds happy

      Hugs,
      Yvonne



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lois Stern wrote Apr 19, 2008
    • No, Yvonne, as much as I adore Brooke, (who wouldn’t love her with her sweet manner and broad smile?),I don’t think she is going to stick around too much longer. It’s between the two David’s with Mr. popularity, Jason, and Carly close behind. Time will out.

      Hugs back,
      Lois W. Stern
      Author of SEX, LIES AND COSMETIC SURGERY
      [Link Removed]


      Loiswstern, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Yvonneo wrote May 31, 2008
    • Hi Lois,

      I have been real busy with an ecourse i had to follow for my work at the daycare center... fun but time consuming happy

      What did you think about the result of AI? I think they were both fab. And they will both make it big.

      I was sooooo annoyed with my DVR player. It cut off the show right when Ryan was going to announce the winner. I had to wait till the next day to see it on AI.com.

      Hugs,
      Yvonne



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