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I have always loved to write. Incredibly shy, I remember sharing my deepest thoughts with my Holly Hobbie diary as early as age 9. Writing became my therapy and Love was always my favorite subject.

In my mid-20's I started a book about my dating experiences in Hollywood.  Beautiful people. Hot young actors. Propositions from sugar daddies.  Sex in nightclubs.  I shelved it when "Sex in The City" appeared on TV.  The voice it was written in sounded too much like my own, and so did the main characters. I had a 'Carrie' [based on myself, a writer] a 'Samantha' [based on a free-spirited sexual goddess friend of mine], and a 'Miranda' [based on an actress friend with a nonsensical attitude.]   'Charlotte' was represented by my conservative subconscious.  

It was the beginning of the hiatus of my writing for a few years.  I thought I was going to take over the world with my frank talk about sex and being single in the city.  Candace Bushnell and David E. Kelley knocked the drive out of me.  I found solace in being young & beautiful in Hollywood, breezing past the red velvet ropes, getting drunk on Jack and loving the synthetic rapture of “X.”  

Life was a fast forwarded blur as I neared 30, the age where we begin the unwanted race against a biological clock.  And ironically, the age where Players and married men became abundant while eligible men ran scared.  Then it happened, I hadn't been looking but I fell madly in love.  He was intelligent, passionate, funny, and too good to be true.  And true it wasn't.   I learned a hard lesson, it was love for me, and just sex for him—sex was indeed not love.  

So with deep hurt, came inspiration.  I began to write.

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I survived that breakup and somehow unearthed my optimism.  But with each 'relationship,'  I wondered if there existed any man that actually cared about a woman with personality.  Guess there was never enough time to find out I had one.

  

The dating stories stopped being funny. [Although my friends remained amused.]  My voice was growing bitter and sad.  Reality was starting to hit me.  The biological clock, the loneliness, depression...I was losing the grasp on my self-worth. I had graduated to silver Patron, and Ambien.  Together, they gave me a blissful numbness with the bonus of sleep.

I was starting to become infected by a venomous society that worshipped the young, rich & beautiful as much as they despised them.  My priorities were getting completely screwed up. I started watching E! 24 hours and shopping  online in the middle of the night for designer handbags.  I was becoming a superficial, vapid, LA girl. Ugh!!!

I became deeply involved with a nowhere relationship and threw myself into my nowhere, albeit television, job.  As each miserable day became even more miserable.  And each trip out of LAX resulted in tears on the trip back, I knew it was time to leave.  This was not my home, nor would it ever be.  

When I turned 39, I put myself on a deadline in the hopes of finding a husband before I turned 40.

Well, been there done that.  

Now 41, two things remain the same—I still haven't finished a book and I am still single.  But now all those dating stories seem trivial because the last 2 years, the most trying in my life...have made me realize that I have been spending time on things that were ridiculously unimportant.  I spent too much time trying to be organized, to do things properly and in order.  My perfectionism paralyzed me.

Time is even more precious than before and I can no longer wait til I get all my ducks in a row before making the move out of LA.   Forget about the ducks.  Just close my eyes, take a deep breath, open my heart and jump.

What you are about to read is an account of my journey.  My journey to find love and heal myself in the process.   This comes from my heart—an unedited, uncorrected, spontaneous, account of finding a first husband after 40!

It's a sign!!!
September 13, 2008 Horoscope
This is a time of personal beginnings, when you find yourself shot into the limelight and all eyes turn toward you to see what you're going to do next. This may be somewhat startling, as it's rather different than what last month brought, and you will need to step up and display your self-confidence in a way that wasn't called on before. In a volatile situation you will need to have your wits about you as you will have a particularly high profile. The trick is to handle it with grace and not let it go to your head, as this too shall pass and you'll want to look back on a performance that maximized the opportunities dropped into your lap.



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