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I think i’m finally getting this whole “life” thing.  The process of life is like slowly opening a gift, revealing it’s content one letter at a time.  Just when you think you know what you‘re unwrapping, you get a glimpse or clue that takes you in another direction.  These perceptions along the way govern how you will interpret the next “clue“.  

I believe that my childhood was idyllic...not in the fairy-tale way, but in the way that i had what i needed and most of what i wanted.  I had parents who loved me, cared for me, taught me, respected me, guided me.  I had a brother who threw things at me, changed the TV channel in the middle of Lassie, spit in the milk so i wouldn’t drink it, and who fell victim to my unique ability to truly piss him off!  We lived in a very nice house and i was proud to bring my friends there.

My twenties were filled with fun and adventure.  I ran wildly and without direction for the first half of my twenties, and slowly began to find some direction in the second half of my twenties.  A wonderfully thoughtful and giving man asked me to spend the rest of my life with him when i was 26...and i knew he was the one with whom i would do just that.

My thirties were rough...i mean REALLY rough.  I readily admit that i did not do my thirties with much grace.  My life was not my own...i had three toddlers, a business, a new home, bills and responsibilities that grew exponentially with each passing day.  I felt overwhelmed with what i perceived as complete lack of control within my own life.  If i’d only known then...

So, here i am in my forties...well, actually i’m far enough into my forties that i’m actually on my way out of them!  For me, it has been the last few years that have brought me the most clarity i have had in many, many years (if ever).  Once again, i feel as if it matters what i want.  Reaching a decision is much easier for me, now.  I don’t suffer the constant pull of a guilty conscience, always influencing my decisions.  I have finally accepted that my children do not need me in the same way that i’ve become so accustomed.  I am a “peripheral player” in their lives.  They don’t need me to approve or screen their friends, their teachers, their coaches; the don’t need me to feed them, dress them, or tell them how wonderful they are just to get through the day.  They KNOW what they possess, the KNOW how to get what they need. I hope i did for them everything they needed me to do.  My job is far from done, but the job description is very different than it once was.  I wonder if i will ever define myself as anything other than mother, first...and everything else second.  I don’t know that i necessarily WANT to...but i wonder if this is something that will happen in my life.

I guess i’ll have to pull a little more paper off this gift we call life, won’t i?


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