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I read once in an interview with a country singer whose name I forget, Maybe Reba McEntire or Tanya Tucker that for someone to make it in “the business” they would have to keep re-inventing themselves.  Their sound could not remain the same.  As the years passed their music would have to change with the times.

I have come to the realization that as time passes so to must we change with the times and tonight I realized that what I have done over the years is re-invent myself over and over whether I knew it or not.

At the age of sixteen I became the daughter of a broken-marriage.  At the age of nineteen, I became a college student far from home.  Age twenty brought marriage and the title of inexperienced wife.  I became a mother at the age of 24 and at twenty-eight divorced single mother.

Stressed out soon followed.  I went back to school and changed careers and then put advancement on hold to keep my daughter near her father because I did not have a good relationship with my own father.  On and on life went.  

Fourteen months ago, my daughter moved two and a half hours away to go to college.  I have prepared all my life for this day.  I have known she would grow up and go away to college and become her own person.  I had planned to stay and help her get settled in her apartment but life went awry and I had to leave right away so I felt cheated out of something I envisioned as a right of passage for my peace of mind.

There is no way to explain the echo of a 100 year old house that was once home to nine people when the door swings open and only one enters.  No matter where I walked it echoed like a canyon.  I could talk as loud as I wanted and no one would know.  I could walk naked throughout the house and no one would see.  I ordered pizza; supreme and it lasted three days because I didn’t have to share it with anyone else.

I spent the next month begging God to keep her safe and not being able to sleep because I was terrified I would never see her again.  I threw myself into work.  Took on all the overtime possible, took on a second job first so I could make ends meet and then so I didn’t have to spend time with myself.  

I have gotten better, a year later.  I am still working 70 hour weeks, but I am back to one job and I live in a small one bedroom apartment.  I still am not good at spending time by myself, but I have friends and after trying to figure out who I am and what I like to do, tonight I realize that this is a new time to re-invent myself.  To form myself into what I will become next.  

Like all the previous stages before This is the first steps to my next 40 years.  I am hoping that at some point I will be called “grandma” but for now I am wide open as to what to do.  Will I be a writer, a scrapbooker, world traveler, will I remarry or remain single?  Will I throw myself deeper into my faith?  When my daughter was born I wrote in her baby book that she lived in an exciting time and that she would be lucky enough to be able to be anything she could imagine, the sky’s the limit.  I too am existing in that world, finding myself at the door.  The sky is the limit and there is nothing holding me back telling me I can’t be anything I want to be.  I have the time and only myself to disappoint.  What will I do?  Who will I be?  What an exciting realization that I am moving from my old motto of “Tis too shall pass” to “the world is my oyster.” I cannot wait to see what I will make of myself.



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