Fast approaching my 47th birthday and as I usually do reflection on past, present and future is in full swing.

On the future front my daughter is having another decidedly (at least to me)un-stellar year. She is a junior in high school, almost 17 years old and once again no matter how I push, punish, cry, scream etc she has F’s in more than one class. This is so disappointing. When this happened her freshman year I chalked it up to the relocation and general teenage anxiety. I was supportive and understanding then. Now I’m just pissed off. I’m really concerned about her future and her lack of understanding that she is preparing for it now and F work is not going to support her in the fashion she is accustomed. I am at my wits end.

Also on the future front is once again my company is talking about outsourcing. If I was younger I wouldn’t be as concerned about it but at my age along with the current state of the economy, job prospects look mighty slim. Even though I’m in an area of IT that most companies don’t outsource it seems that saving money and lowering costs is the only thing management thinks about.

I guess plastic surgery will be on a high priorty so I can at least look younger. Went from being a want/nice to have to a need.

To add to the stress of those two items I realized that I haven’t had a real boyfriend in 17 years and I have been celibate going on 4 years now. I also realized that the longer I go without the less I’m interested. Men seem to have become more whiny, needy and girlie than women. Who would want to date a man whose opening conversation is “I quit my job and I am having trouble keeping my head above water“.
What’s up with men wanting to be pursued like they used to pursue women? Then if a woman falls for that and does it she ends up disrespected! If she doesn’t do it then he cries on the phone “you never call me” or “you’ve only called me 4 times“.

Dude I’m busy.

On the reflection of things past I wondered had I been that awful in my relationships. I wondered if things would be different if I had support from an intimate relationship. The recent health scare I had made me ponder the real role of loving, supportive relationships and health. When we‘re not carrying the entire load of career, school, finances, parenting alone are women healthier? I know there have been studies on married men that say they live longer.

I can’t even cry anymore. It’s terrible thinking you’ve spent your entire life in a state of sadness and disappointment. Then your almost 50 and running out of ideas on how to reinvent yourself.

Just when I thought I had gotten to the point in my life when I really embraced the person I’ve become I’m filled with self doubt. My daughter is not performing up to her true potential, does that make me a failure as a parent? I have never been married and even the long term relationships I thought I was having weren’t really relationships at all.

I’m shopping plastic surgeons, considering hiring another personal trainer in an attempt to lose this 40 pounds that seems to just hang around my mid-section, and thinking of things I might want to gift to myself for my 50th so I can save the money up.

At least I have a trip to the Virgin Islands to look forward to in 23 days.