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Now, there's two ways one can interpret that.  Since I believe that it is not events that shape our lives, but rather how we interpret events that shape our lives, I translate "remarriage rocks" to something very positive, as in, "Yeah, let's party!  Remarriage rocks!"

It gets down to this.  Do you want to rant or do you want to rave?

Recently, I encountered a party pooper of the ninth degree.

I was at a major therapist's conference in Washington D.C.  and went out to dinner with some fellow participants.  One woman, a "marriage lobbyist" in D.C. asked me about my practice.

I told her that I work with couples in remarriage and encourage them to look at their divorces in positive ways and develop healthy relationships with their ex-spouses and all involved.

She leaned across the table, looked me straight in the eyes, and the unexpected litany began:

"I'm sick of people like you who try to make divorce seem nice.  Divorce is not nice!  There should be blood, there should be guts, there should be bodies strewn in the street."

I sat there stunned and suddenly my appetite was gone.  I was hoping hers was too.  She'd done a pretty good job of eating me alive, but unfortunately she wasn’t finished.

I told her calmly that she and I obviously didn't share the same views.  That when I divorced, I told my children that we were still an "intact" family.  That their father and I were still their parents and would always be their parents."  That I spoke about the divorce in the context of hope and new beginnings.  And most of all, that my children would always be well taken care of.

The tirade continued, "Your family wasn't intact!!!!  It was broken, torn and ripped apart by its two selfish parents."

Her face was so red and contorted, I thought I was going to have to call 911.

The subject was quickly changed by another appalled dinner participant.  I forced myself to continue to be polite and pleasant the rest of the evening (good thing I wasn't drinking or I'm sure there would have been broken plates!).

When I got back to my hotel room, I was shaken and stunned.  What century was I living in?  What antiquated views are still out there about people who divorce and remarry?

Studies show that it is not divorce that hurts children, it's HOW people divorce that hurts children.  There are studies that support that children who suffer some kind of adversity while growing up become more competent and capable adults who achieve independence and happiness more quickly that children who have been sheltered.

I'm not promoting divorce here...but I'm certainly not going to demonize it, especially given that over half of the adult population experiences it sometime in their lifetime.

What I am promoting is that those of us in second marriages certainly don't need to be treated like second hand citizens or failures.

My divorce was painful...but necessary.  My remarriage of 8 years with a combined  family of 5 children (4 of whom were teenagers at the time I remarried!) has been messy but rich and fulfilling.

Remarriage can rock in the best of ways.  And if I'm going to take a couple of hits along the way from those who don't agree with it, I can take it.  These experiences haven't hardened me, but they have helped to cement the hard decisions I've made in order to live an authentic and meaningful life.

And Hammer Lady only helped to solidify my a rock.

““:[Link Removed]

Mary, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.


Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Catherine Behan wrote Aug 21, 2008
    • Hi Mary,

      You are right!!  Remarriage does rock!  You and I share much in common and I love your writing and your spunk!

      It is surprising how willing people are to blast those painful words and emotions out into the universe with no thought about how they might affect people.

      My kids were older as my first marriage lasted 29 years, but it was still a tough transition for all of us.  It is nearly 5 years since my divorce and I have been remarried for two years and now everyone gets along with everyone.  Nice.

      I also am writing on this same theme as I am determined to live this second chance differently.  I am so lucky and blessed to have met Larry and we both are committed to keeping our sizzle from fizzling!!

      Have a lovely day and I look forward to reading more!

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      Loalovecoach, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.

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