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Question: I am 43 and I think I look pretty hot! My husband hardly touches me, but I see him touching his private parts when I am not there and when I catch him and he looks at me, he does not look like he wants to even try to have sex with me...Why is he doing that? And he says he loves me and blah, blah, blah...I am about to give up!!! ...Pam  

Answer: Generally speaking, if a man is sexually able to perform, he will not turn down sex with his partner. Why then is your guy avoiding you, even though you're hot and  ready, willing and able?  There could be several reasons:  

1) There is something else within your relationship that he is very unhappy about and is avoiding sex with you because of it.  Although this is more common with women than with men, there are still some men who won't perform if they're feeling alienated or angry.  

2) You've changed in some major way (either physically or attitudinally) and he is unhappy or uncomfortable with that change.  

3) He has performance anxiety due to some condition that he hasn't disclosed to you.  

4) He's "getting it" somewhere else.  

5) He finds sex with you less-than-fulfilling.  This is usually not the case, since for most men, any sex, even bad sex, is better than no sex.  

6) He has questions about his sexual preferences.

Any of the above could, in fact, be the cause of his avoidance of intimacy with you.  And the fact that you discovered him masturbating means his equipment is at least operational.  He's obviously getting friendly with himself because he needs the release, and for whatever reason is unwilling to approach you.  

With that in mind, if you still want a sexual relationship with your husband, my advice is that YOU approach HIM.  Take the initiative and seduce him and see how he reacts.  Tell him you want to please him and ask him to tell you as graphically as possible how you can do that.  Then follow his instructions to the letter.  If that doesn't re-awaken his desire for you, then it's time for you to initiate a serious talk to find out what is going on.  So one way or another, at least you'll know where you stand.  

If you have any questions about men, relationships, dating or a related topic, please feel free to email them to me at: I will try to answer as many as I possibly can here in my column.

(C)2008 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.


Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Nov 20, 2008
    • by the same token, maybe it is not your physical changes. maybe he changed and is embarrassed by himself. Either way it is his issue. imo

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Bobbi Bacha wrote Nov 20, 2008
    • My second ex used to do this, we had a great sex life.. every where.. but I would catch him in the shower.  I thought he was a freak at first but I realized it was a normal thing for most men to do this, even after sex or sometimes later or during the day.

      Maybe he does love his wife and is just having some issues he is not willing to share.

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Elizabeth Wilkinson wrote Nov 30, 2008
    • What if the, “YOU approach HIM” does not work but makes him angry or upset? My spouse generally says “now you‘re talking stupid talk” or here we go again.
      If he is ill, has acouple of medical conditions, and just hates getting old; I thought that offering him a play time without him doing anything. and I still got turned down. Do most men think that if it is just play or oral or touching that the woman want to go all the way once it starts.
      Why do they hide the pain and hurt they are in without reallizing it hurts us in the end.

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