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I’ve discovered that I am horribly, terribly and confusingly LOST.  I don’t know who I am.  I don’t know what I want to do.  I don’t know what my dreams or passions are.  Somewhere along the way of reinventing myself I have become totally lost.

I have no energy - no motivation - no drive and no desire.  I am quite content to spend my days in bed watching mind numbing television and hiding from the world.  I have grown exhausted by trying to keep it all together and be all things to all people to the point that I am nobody.

A good part of it is that illness is raising its ugly head yet again.  During the summer I thought I was on the track to recovery, or at least the path to being able to tolerate the pain and deal with the fatigue.  Now that the weather is getting colder and the days are getting longer, I find that my pain levels are increasing and the fatigue and exhaustion is getting overwhelming.  sigh

I’m back to wondering if I will be physically able to return to work - assuming someone decides to take a chance and hire me.  That’s not happening either.  

The job search has proven to be much more difficult than I ever imagined it would be.  It appears that I am not qualified to do anything and have no transferable experience.  I’m looking for jobs at a rate of less than half of my former salary and still I am not qualified for them.  It amazes me that I’ve been a working professional for WELL over 20 years and yet am not able to get even the most basic of jobs.

Someone reading this would say that I’m depressed and suggest anti-depressants and therapy.  Not an option.  Yes - I am depressed.  I cannot take medication, as the side effects cause crazy things (pun slightly intended) to happen in my head.  I am anti-therapy, as I’ve grown tired of blaming my present on my past.  The past happened....it is in the past....let’s leave it there!!

I only wish I had a support system of some sort.  Maybe a support group of overweight, depressed, chronically ill, unemployed and overall CRANKY women who get together and talk about....what?  

Hubby has the answer....SEX!!  Don’t you know that it cures everything?  Not happening!

My mom has the answer....exercise!!  Almost as stupid sounding as sex.  Ahem....my body hurts so much that walking to the mailbox leaves me falling down....how would you propose I work out?  Again - not happening!!

So I pray.  I ask God to send me a map to show me the way.  Perhaps if He could show me the destination, then I could figure out the route.  I don’t know where I’m supposed to be going, much less how I’m supposed to get there.




Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Nov 4, 2010
    • heartbreak I’m sorry you‘re going through this.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mztracy wrote Nov 4, 2010
    • As I read this I am wondering if this is my life I’m looking at.

      As far a job searching, I’m not able to work, so I wish you an abundance of blessings in that search.

      Sex and exercise... that would be great wouldn’t it, if we were physically able and it did not cause pain. I hear ya on both those.  

      I have nothing traumatic in my past to blame, so not an option for me! happy Most of my issues come from my progressive illness that does not seem to want to slow down at all.

      I find humor is the one thing that gets me through the day. My family and friends help also. But. mainly, I have to rely on myself and my inner strength.  

      I left many of the support groups I was in a as I got sick of people only complaining and never finding anything good. It can be hard to find the good, but if we can find one good thing a day...we are going to win.

      Contact me anytime if you like.



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Shannon165 wrote Nov 4, 2010
    • I have been through those feelings.  I learned that only YOU can make the change, when you are ready.  I decided that I was going to give myself permission to take a week to brood.  I slept in, watched tv, ate, and sometimes got dressed.  Checked my email, read the news online, and played a few games, but that usually bores me.  I decided that I would wake up after that week, but didn’t put much effort into planning what I was going to do to make that happen.  My brain however kept thinking of things I wanted to do, and finally after my week “off“, I started working on come craft projects, painting in my house, and working on starting my own business!  I have been busy ever since, I don’t have time to take a day off, and now I like what I am doing, and don’t need time off either.
      My point is, it comes from within, what your mind and body will allow you to do. Don’t plan activities until you permit yourself to be lazy for a time, whether it’s a week, two weeks, or whatever. When that time is up, you can either give yourself one extra day, or get going. When you do, find something that needs to be done, or that you want to do. It doesn’t have to cost money either, maybe there’s a flowerbed to clean out or a closet to empty and go through. Find some stuff and ebay it, that’s always fun :)
      Good luck, and remember, this too shall pass.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marilyn09 wrote Nov 4, 2010
    • estatic I want to say something extraordinarily magical to help you through the tough times. estatic
      But I cant because the magic is yours and I believe you will wait until the perfect time and come up with something brilliant!

      Patience and strength til then.

      May the force be with you



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Victorious wrote Nov 4, 2010
    • heart I wish I had the words to tell you how I am getting out of mine...as Shannon said ‘this too shall pass‘....Prayer works.heart



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jersey Josie wrote Nov 4, 2010
    • As I read the first part of this I felt like you were talking about me. I have been trying to figure my life out and I feel like I have failed. But then I look around and see that my life is not as bad as other people. I pray and keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel and you know this too shall pass. I read now and loose myself in those beautiful books. I take classes online. You know there is so much out there that you can do to keep your mind busy. I find that gives me the strength I need. My prayers are with you.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lazylola wrote Nov 4, 2010
    • What Tracy saidheart



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Diane17 wrote Nov 5, 2010
    • I’m sorry to hear you are going through this.  I battled depression during adolesence and had 2 major depression episodes in my 20s.  Like the other ladies have said, this too will pass.  Have faith and keep praying.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anne E wrote Nov 6, 2010
    • I can completely understand what you‘re going through.  I was unemployed for almost a year and a half before I found this temp job which doesn’t pay enough to cover my bills, but gives me a reason to get up in the morning.  I wish I could join you in a depressed, overweight, cranky ladies group!  Now I have started walking a lot which hurts my leg, but the doctor says to take Advil and mix it up with other exercise like swimming and bicycling.  Can you do any swimming?  I sure hope you feel better soon! heart



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Sandra G wrote Nov 6, 2010
    • The first step to get to the other side, you have taken..!!

      You sought out others..and there is such a wonderful group of ladies here...

      Pick ONE thing you can do for yourself today..and do it as well as you are able..enjoy the victory..tomorrow, something else..

      And for your husband..tell him he has two hands for a reason...one to rub your back, the other to take care of the things you can't right now!

      Hugs to you!!heartheartheartheart



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