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I never thought I would add Survivor to my list of who I am. I am a mother, daughter, granddaughter, stepmother, niece, wife, ex-wife, student, employee, musician, artist,... It is now a part of me. I am a survivor of domestic violence. There I said it out loud. Always such a secret in this society. I understand why many women never talk about it, never get help for it and go back to the abuser. I have been there. I have been in those shoes. Now I need to speak out.  

I am a survivor, not a victim. It is interesting that we always need to blame someone, something for what goes wrong. I can’t do that anymore. I can blame the abuser for the physical pain from the beating, the emotional pain from the insults and the financial pain from the unpaid bills while he was out drinking. I can’t blame him for my choices. I chose him out of all the nice guys I met. I chose to completely leave my entire life and move from one state to another state. Now I pick up the pieces of my mistake. That doesn’t excuse his behavior. His behavior was atrocious and noone ever deserves demeaning words or violent behavior. The experience has just opened my eyes to see that the choices I made took me down this path.

I sit here in my living room looking at all this stuff. The furniture, the Christmas tree, plants, tv, pictures on the wall and I know it is mine, but it is not enough. It will never be enough. I wanted stability, safety, trust, caring, thoughtfulness, peace and serenity. I looked in the wrong place. Now I see that I am the one to find those attributes, find them in me.  

Addiction and abuse destroys lives. It is, as they say, the elephant in the living room. A huge, monstrous problem, but everyone tiptoes around it. We need to speak out. Help others going through the pain. Share resources and stories. We can survive and flourish. It is possible.

I’ve heard the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger“. Very poignant in this case. Since he didn’t kill me, it has definately made me stronger. He’s in jail now for his crime. I have also filed and been granted a 4 year restraining order against him. When I was in the hearing for the order, it was hard to see him in orange and shackled. He used to be my lover and husband. Now he seems like a distant friend I once knew. I don’t know what will become of him in the future. Most likely a continuing downward spiral into drugs, alcohol and jail. Very sad and painful to watch.

Since I’ve reached out, I’ve been able to pull together my life. Friends, family, support groups, counselor, even my manager at work helped pull me together to face reality and move forward. I hope that more women will look beyond their pain to the hands that are held out to them. You just have to look, ask and receive.



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Dec 14, 2008
    • I thank you for sharing.
      This is very touching.
      You are so loving
      and life will be bettering.
      If there is anything
      Please let us know
      for we provide hands helping
      shoulder for tear dropping
      or ear for listening.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cindylouwho1966 wrote Dec 14, 2008
    • My mom ended up with an abuser after my stepdad died (he was not abusive in the least.) The a**hole was a leech and a drunk and a loser. And she never told me about it, I had to find out in bits and pieces. He died in a car wreck, he lost his license for DUI and had a bartending buddy pick him up to go to a bar.

      Live by the sword, die by the sword.

      Congrats on getting out and moving on.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lilibet wrote Dec 14, 2008
    • After I build my life again, I would like to have a bigger voice. The state I’m in does have a pretty good Victims Assistance program through the court system, but it could be better and I know a lot of states don’t have much for the suriviors (victims). Someday, when I’m able, I would like to push better laws for survivors or at least set up more programs like they have here.

      Love to all and good night.
      ~Lilibet



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote Dec 15, 2008
    • Congratulations on your achievements! It is great that you shared your story because there are others out there that are affraid to come forward. Hopefully they can gather strenght from your story to begin new chapters in their lives.

      Congrats on overcoming and being a surviver.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Dec 15, 2008
    • Thanks for sharing that.
      I too have been in those shoes. You ARE strong and you ARE a survivor. It’s awesome that you’ve taken your own power back and that you realize all of the important things. You’ve got control of your own life back & that too is excellent.
      Now, the sky’s the limit on what you can do without having to worry about the next move some abuser will make. No one should have to deal with THAT.
      Congrats to you & best of luck!!! :)



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Andiet wrote Dec 21, 2008
    • Your blog really touched me today.  I’ve been trying to figure out how to leave an abusive relationship.  It’s not physical but it sure is emotionally and mentally draining me.  Not to mention I live 2000 miles away from my family and have no family here. I would appreciate any advice you could give.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Dec 21, 2008
    • Honey,

      I cried when I read this and thought back 12 years ago when I left an abusive marriage – there was no drinking or drugs – he was just physical and abusive. I was lucky and had my younger sister nearby as all my family live in the North ......the toll was tremendous and the stress. To this day I'm sure this is what caused my Cancer or exacerbated it – now I fight that.

      I also think the worst thing is the shame you feel at picking someone to love you who lets you down in so many – I'll be honest and felt more of a fool for being so dumb and ignoring the all too obvious signs.

      Andiet the best thing you can do is confide in friends as they will help without judgment and it's help you need.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lilibet wrote Dec 21, 2008
    • andiet-
      i agree with vickyday. Find friends in everything you do. I haven’t lived near my family for 20 years. i moved to WI and knew noone but the abuser. I’ve never felt so alone being together. Anyway, talk to those you trust. Leaving or staying is only your decision. I found help through support groups, my family (many, many long distance calls) and friends that didn’t know him at all. I needed people on my side.

      Know that you are loved even though we may not know you, we know your story.
      ~lilibet



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lilibet wrote Dec 22, 2008
    • andiet-
      A couple of other things i would do. if you are in physical danger, keep keys & cash somewhere he will never find it just in case you need to leave quickly. Look up the phone number for the local women’s shelter. Keep it handy. Hopefully you’ll never need to use them, but keep them close by.

      One trick my husband liked to do was smash my cell phone when he was drunk so I wouldn’t have a way to communicste. I’m just giving a word of caution from someone who has been there.

      Take care of yourself first before anyone else.
      ~lilibet



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Dec 22, 2008
    • Whenever my neighbor’s husband got drunk, she flee to my house as a safe haven.  It helps.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cassandra wrote Dec 22, 2008
    • Thank you for putting your story out for others to see . It has already helped someone here as you can see . I’m glad you in a safe place and want to help others you are a truly wonderful and courageous woman . You have all the qualities you so desire in you and thats a beautiful thing to find... yourself .
      Peace love and light to you on this night and every night .
      Indiet if you are in my area please message me privately .  

       Blessings to you .



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jacquie6363 wrote Dec 22, 2008
    • Oh Beth, no woman should have to go through what you have gone through, but unfortunately we do and it is a shame that we are not respected and treated for who we are.  Congrats on gaining to courage to stand up, face that demon and then move on with your life.

      You are truly an inspiration to all those who are going through the same situation, those who have gotten out, but have been unable to move on and to those who might one day be faced with having to deal with such.

      Thanks for sharing, it was very brave of you, and also shows that you are definitely moving on.

      Andiet:  Mental/emotional abuse is much worse than physical, that messes with your psyche and we as women, strong women that is, wouldn’t have that.  You have got to change the course in which that boat is headed.  Stand up and refuse to be treated as a doormat.



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