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pic     For some reason, every time I read in my self-help books about mercy or grace, tears gush out.

I'm reading: Wayne Dyer's There Is A Spiritual Solution to Every Problem , Mary O'Mally's The Gift of Our Compulsions , and Charlotte Joko Beck's Everyday Zen .

Mary O‘Mally, especially, is the tear-inducer. I’ve had a little issue with alcohol over the years, and what my books have made me realize is that any compulsion we have (drinking, eating, perfectionism, whatever) is actually a part of ourselves that is trying to protect us. Compulsions try to make us feel better. Of course they compound the problem, but our hearts are simply wanting to ... not hurt.

So I realize, instead of fighting with a craving for a glass of wine, I can sit still and just “be with” that craving, just experience it, and recognize that underneath that craving is a child of God who is experiencing pain and trying to “fix it.” When I get down to that “underneath” level, and remember to breathe, sometimes I can feel mercy. Sometimes I can embrace my inner self and feel forgiveness. Sometimes I feel Grace.  

What is grace? To me, it’s unconditional forgiveness and love from (God / The Universe / The Source / Pure Love / my Higher Self). It’s an intervention from The Intelligent Universe to tell me that I am one with forgiveness. It’s okay. I’m okay. The world is okay. (Once my thinking mind gets hold of this, it’s crushed, because of course the world is not okay, of course us humans need to learn lovingkindness. But if I let my thinking mind just be, and learn to love it, too, there is a place I go to where “it’s okay“.)

So anyway, to get back on topic: the tears are a natural outpouring of recognizing that I am one with grace and forgiveness.

What I need to do now, is not go overboard on this whole thing, because I am a total drama queen, and if I get lost in the tears, they will turn to self-pity, and the guilt and self-loathing will come right back.  

So I’m looking for a middle ground. What Charlotte Joko Beck calls “the razor’s edge“. Being open to grace and forgiveness, but not so open that I flip into the drama thing and defeat the whole purpose of opening my heart.

It’s a balancing act.

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