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IN 2 YEARS MY LIFE HAS CHANGED SO MUCH. MY STEP DAD WHO I LOVED MORE THEN OTHER MAN IN MY LIFE. DONT GET ME WRONG MY BIRTHDAD IS MY DADDY I LOVE HIM WITH ALL I HAVE BUT MY STEPDAD WOW.. HE WAS SOMETHING. HE TOOK ALOT OF SHIT FROM MY SISTER AND ME. AND SOME BUT NOT ALOT. FROM MY BROTHER. I SPENT MANY MANY HOURS ONLINE WITH HIM PLAYING SPADES AND JUST IM‘ING EACH OTHER. SENDING EMAILS BACK AND FORTH.. ON THE PHONE WHEN ONE OF US WAS SICK OR JUST FEELING BLUE.. HE ALWAYS SEEMED TO KNOW WHEN I NEEDED TO HEAR HIS VOICE, JUST LIKE MY MOM DOES NOW. HE DIED OF CANCER IN 2006 ONE DAY HE WAS IN REMISSTION THEY NEXT IN THE HOSPITAL, THEY SAID HE WAS GONNA BE OK AGAIN. BUT LATER THAT NIGHT HIS INTESTINS GOT A TEAR AND POISON WENT THRU HIS BODY SO FAST.. THE NEXT MORNING I GOT A CALL FROM MY MOM SAYING THERE IS NOTHING MORE THEY CAN DO... I SAID OK I AM ON MY WAY.. MIND YOU I LIVE IF VIRGINIA THEY LIVE IN OHIO.. MY MOM SAID  NO DONT COME YOUR DAD SAID TO TELL YOU. TAMMYJO BE STRONG...... I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE. I FELT SO MUCH PAIN I NEVER EVEN REMEMBERED STOPPIN CRYIN... THEY PULLED THE PLUG 3 DAYS LATER HE DIED... I BELIEVED HE WAITED FOR ME I BELIEVED MY MOM LIED.. I CARRIED THIS PAIN AND HURT TILL RIGHT NOW... FOR NOW THERE IS A DIFFERANT PAIN.. MY ONLY SISTER WHO IS ONLY A FEW YEARS OLDER THEN ME. DIED IN JULY AND I FEEL HURT THAT IS SO PAINFUL IT BURNS MY HEAD WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES AND SEE HER...SEE SHE IS MY ONLY SISTER THERE WAS NO ONE LIKE HER... MAN IF I COULD TELL YOU SOME STORIES BOUT HER.. SHE LIVED HER LIFE THE WAY SHE WANTED, NO MATTER WHO SHE HURT,, SHE HURT HER MOTHER HER KIDS, ME, OUR BROTHER,, SHE EVEN HURT HERSELF TO THE POINT WHERE IT KILLED HER.. AND I SIT HERE WITH TEARS MISSING HER AND NOT UNDERSTANDING WHY THIS PAIN IS SO DIFFERANT THEN BEFOR.. I BELIEVED SHE SHOULD  HAVE LIVED HER LIFE THE WAY SHE WANTED, I NEVER AGREED WITH THE PAIN SHE CAUSED HER KIDS AND I TOLD HER SO MANY TIMES.. BUT I FEEL THAT HER DEATH EASED EVERYONE ELES PITY ON HER. IF YOU UNDERSTAND THAT... I NEVER PITIED HER NEVER. SHE MADE HERSELF SICK, SHE KEPT HERSELF SICK, BUT STIL HER LOSE IS UNBEARABLE AND THERE IS NO ONE TO TALK TO ABOUT WHAT I FEEL AND HOW ANGRY I AM.. AT HER  AT THE REST OF THE FAMILY AT MYSELF DAM AT EVERYONE.. AND YES GOD TOO...I SCREAM AT THE WIND, THE SKY, AT HER.  BEGING WHY. WHY DID SHE LEAVE ME HERE.WHY DIDNT SHE ASK FOR HELP. WHY DIDNT SHE WANT IT..WHERE IS SHE NOW? IS SHE  WITH OUR STEPDAD WHO I KNOW WENT TO HEAVEN OR ARE YOU IN THE OTHER PLACE..BECAUSE OF THEY WAY SHE  LIVED HER LIFE..  

WOW I BETTER STOP THIS IS GETTING TO DARK FOR EVEN ME...



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Nov 17, 2008
    • tammyjo, i am so sorry for the pain you are feeling.. for the anger, the hurt, and the unanswered questions! its all a process that we have to let ourselves go through. feel those feelings, and if you have to, write it down, get it out on paper.. i have had to do it a few times in my life.. and it does help.. you can also send me a message here, and i will gladly be a shoulder for you. i will also keep you in my prayers..  

      God Bless
      Linni



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Theresa Simmons wrote Nov 17, 2008
    • sister,there are so many unanwsered questions,that may never be answered.only God knows.you have to keep fighting!!!i lost my mother last october,my father,3 weeks after that.now my first born child has stage 4a cervical cancer, and is getting worse everyday,the pain IS unbearable,i know what  your going through,believe me!! each day i wake up,its there.when i go to bed it,s there.it never seems to stop.but,in time it will get easier to deal with,(so they say).ifeelyou somuch right now.may God rest his loveing hands upon you now, and allways.and remember im here for you,everyone else is,im sure of it.in Jesus name Amen.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Michelle Rowe wrote Nov 17, 2008
    • I have asked similar questions about why I lost who I’ve lost over the years. I’ve been angry and have fallen to my knees sobbing. I’m so sorry to know that you are going through this right now. I’m crying for you right now. My thoughts are with you.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Dee Dee Shaw wrote Nov 17, 2008
    • Tammy,
      I am so sorry. I haven’t lost a sibling, but I have lost a child. The pain is so physical. It felt to me like a ton of bricks on my chest. I cried every day for 3 solid months. I had to throw away my mildewed pillow. It is okay to grieve. It is okay to be mad. Even David got mad. So many of the Psalms are filled with WHY?
      I wrote about my feelings to help me cope. I wrote this several months after Joshua died.  

      Because I Said So 

      I will be praying for you.


      Happymomma, Your links have been removed, please consider upgrading to premium membership.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cheryl Sharpton wrote Nov 17, 2008
    • Hi tammyjoa,

      I am so sorry and hope your pain subsides in time.  You need closure and I am at a loss for words.  I can only say that I know how you feel because I live it everyday.  I am in the fight for my life on two fronts and because of this I am mad as hell everyday.  First, I am trying to rid my face of the cancer that took most of my teeth from my upper and saliva gland.  Second, I am fighting my body to stay alive.  I have no taste buds and eating is a chore.  I’ve convinced myself that I either get busy dying or get busy living.  I have chosen the latter and am in a fight everyday to remember that.  Fab40 has been my daily reminder that total strangers can make a difference.  I hope we can do this for you too!  I do not know you but I love you and will pray for you.  If talking to me can help you please let me know?  I would feel honored to be your up-line.  When you need words of encouragement, please feel free to send me a private message.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Gemini09 wrote Nov 17, 2008
    • My heart goes out to you in your recent loss and the devastating loneliness that accompanies the years of love and connectedness you and your sister had.  That cannot be replaced, and leaves such a hole that nothing else can fill it. Time does not heal these wounds, we live with it, accommodate the loss and become different people because of it.  We do not choose to become different, but if we have to be different because of pain and loss, then let it eventually be peacefully different.  Deep within us is a desire to reconnect with our loved ones, an age old wisdom that leads us to dare to hope that our love has not been in vain. Listen to it, believe in it and open yourself up to a greater knowledge that might eventually help you to find joy in your memories, hope in your future and peace in your loneliness.



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