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I cannot believe him.  

We were together for 5 yrs. Lived together. It was wonderful for about a minute. He’s an alcoholic and I’m the poster girl for codependency. I stayed and stayed through such abuse; mental, emotional and some physical. He was a shit. I depended on him for financial security and tried to make it work with/for him emotionally because I think - no wait, I know - that I was afraid to be without a man. Ugh. He used to abandon me in our little house out in the country to go drink for days at a time. He’d take the money and the only car and leave me alone and desperately broken. Fucker. After too much of this I realized it was not going to change and I needed a plan. I had no money to speak of but I had a houseful of furniture and so forth that I’d had for 30+ yrs. I knew I could sell it all if I had to. I decided that the very next time he left, I would stick a sign in the front yard and sell it all. I’d use the money to go back home to Illinois. I was on the Sec. 8 rent program and I’d already called them to transfer my voucher to Illinois.
Well, he left and I put a sign in the yard. It took me a week but I sold it all. I had to say goodbye to friends and a wonderful dog I’d had for 8 yrs. I rented a car with only my one little dog that I decided to keep, clothes and a few necessities. I drove home to Illinois. Long story short - it didn’t work in Illinois and for reasons connected to my Sec. 8 I had to come back to Texas. I called him. I was out of money and needed a way back. He paid my way back. I had to leave everything but my little dog and one suitcase for clothes in Illinois. I found a tiny apartment and moved in. I had nothing and slept on the floor until the landlord loaned me an air mattress.
It was horrible at first. I hung on to him. I was addicted to him. I thought I absolutely needed him. Stupid. He lived 45 minutes away and I had no car and no friends. He would come to get me every weekend and the weekends were just more of the same. It was Hell.
Finally I found a job corps thing to go to. It was a 3 month program - job skill, life skills & Bible study.He let me use his car for classes and he used another car he had. I ended up keeping the car for 1 1/2 yrs. I learned a ton and on graduation he refused to come. I was the only graduate there with no family or friends in the audience. Shortly after that I found a good job at a manufacturing plant and was making more money than I ever had. I was so relieved, thought I’d be OK. I got laid off along with about 100 others. I was devistated. I called him and he told me to stop crying and just find another. He said he didn’t have time for my whining.
A month went by and I couldn’t find a job. I still had his car and he threatened to take it away weekly. On my 51st birthday I was at his house for the weekend. It had been a month with no job and I was depressed. He and I had a nice day - we really did. That night we both drank and he told me that he was sick of me and I took two bottles of anti-depressants. He called he ambulance and I spent 3 days in the hospital. The social worker called him in and asked him if he would be “there” for me when they let me out and he said he wouldn’t. He said it was a horrible thing to watch when I went in to convulsions and it was very hard on him. Asshole, piece of shit.
Months have gone by....I quit drinking, got a great job, got a new apartment. He took his car like he said he would and I was only without for one week - I bought my own car! I lucked out and got a wonderful deal. So...now my life is excellent. I work hard and love my little home and LOVE living alone. (Yes, I do get lonely.)
HE - lost his job in Feb ‘09 because he’s an arrogant alcoholic dick. He was laid off because his boss felt sorry for him and he receives unemployment. The day he lost his job he called me right away all torn up over it. He wanted me to listen, to be supportive. Can you imagine that? He wanted me to apply for uemployment for him and to do his taxes. I did all of it. He continued to drink and drink and drink. He doesn’t even look for work.
He came here in December to dry out and stayed sober for 23 days. He’s done that about 4 times and the last time was last week. I didn’t like him being here at all. I was busy working and basically ignored him. I got up one morning and he’d been awake all night and told me that if he ever wrote a book he’d dedicate it to me. He told me he wanted me back, that he LOVES me, that he sees how independent I am and he needs my help. I had nothing to say.
The last evening he was here he made a snide comment about the fact that I don’t cook anymore. (when we lived together I was Martha Stewart - no shit.) So after that comment I said,“You had me. I cooked, I cleaned, I made breakfast for you every morning, I did your laundry, I took care of the yard, I had sex anytime you wanted, I LIVED for you.” He was flabergasted by that and pouted for hours. Finally I called him on it and he left.
Today he called and asked me if I could do something for him online. I asked him if he’d been drinking and he said he had because he had a reason and that reason was what I said to him. He then said,“How could you say such a thing to me? I’d only been sober for 5 days!”
I can’t believe him.
I want to call him and tell him it’s O V E R. But he won’t ever let me get a word in edgewise and he’s so verbally abusive that I know it would send me into a tizzy and I just don’t want the fucking tizzy.
Fuck. I was having a nice day too. Just me and my movies and my little dog.



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Member Comments

    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      UK Girl wrote Aug 2, 2009
    • You just have to ignore him I know it’s hard because your lonely but when your down he picks on you ... you need to break the cycle - sorry to be blunt but if you don’t you’ll just end up in the same loop honey



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Marie66 wrote Aug 2, 2009
    • I totally agree with Vicki... Glad to hear that your doing alot better, be happy and take care..



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Krnyocum wrote Aug 2, 2009
    • Thanks guys. I know you‘re right of course.

      I think the easiest for me at this point is to ignore the phone. Thank God he doesn’t live near me.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      (華娃娃) ChinaDoll wrote Aug 2, 2009
    • You worth a lot more and you deserve a lot more.  Please if you have insurance, try to seek a therapist to guide you.  If not, see if there is any support group around, esp for codepdent and Alnon.

      You have the strength - see how much you have come along...a job, a car, a place of your own.... seek the inner strength in you.  Fight, protect and love the ‘you’ inside.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Subathra wrote Aug 2, 2009
    • Hi Krnyocum,

      I am Suba and after reading your not so short letter,I was so dumbfounded. You are one tough cookie.Sure al of us at one point or another go through shit in our lives,but making a comeback on your own, with no help whatsoever from relatives or friend...you are mighty,girl!!

      Dont allow the jerk to step on you ever again.You deserve someone better than him.

      I hope you would prosper and maybe even inspire and help someone else down the road.

      Love you girl..



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Krnyocum wrote Aug 3, 2009
    • Thanks for that. I guess I have been through the shit haven’t I? I think that during the various crises I’ve always been so focused on just getting through it and to the other side that I don’t pay attention to the lessons learned. Does that even make sense?

      Anyway, I won’t let him bulldoze through my life again. I’m so much happier alone. VERY lonely at times - but truly much better off.

      Thanks for the vote of confidence!!

      Karen



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote Aug 3, 2009
    • Karen of course you deserve better but until YOU really realize that and acknowledge that you will continue to go thru the same stuff.
      You have overcome so much why go back or even involve yourself with him? I know forgiveness may play a role. Maybe you forgive him and that’s ok but you don’t have to be enabler to him.
      Walk away and don’t look back unless that’s the future you want.

      I don’t say any of this to be mean. I say it because I care. Alcoholism runs in my family. I grew up with it. I choose NOT to live with it now. Because I realized there is absolutely NOTHING I can ever do to change the alcoholic.

      When you are feeling lonely come find us. Let us know you are lonely we will chat with you because we really do care.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Aug 3, 2009
    • OK. I have all the compassion for you that there is. I also have experience in an alcoholic relationship. This will never be healthy and you owe that dude NO explanation whatsoever. NONE. Do you hear what I am saying to you? I will say this again: You owe him NOTHING and you owe yourself EVERYTHING.
      This is YOUR LIFE. LIVE IT THE WAY YOU WANT TO. THE WAY YOU DREAM OF. YOU CAN DO IT BUT NOT WITH HIM AROUND.

      Living alone is awesome. Safe. Peaceful. Once the drunk dude and his behaviors go bye bye, your confidence and self esteem will begin to grow like a beautiful flower. Slowly. Next thing you know, more time will have passed and you will really feel and notice that. TRUST ME. I KNOW. BEEN THERE.

      You have one life. We don’t get to come back and live our lives over again. LIVE YOUR DREAMS. LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE. YOU CAN DO IT.

      If you truly want him gone, ask him to leave, quietly, and let him know you won’t repeat yourself. If need be, you’ll get help from your local police department. No fighting yelling etc. Just GO.

      The alcoholic likely won’t believe you. That’s ok though. He doesn’t need to. We are here for you. Never hesitate to ask us if you need support. Good luck with your new healthy life! happy



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jenz ~ wrote Aug 3, 2009
    • ps- I congratulate and applaud you on the things you’ve done for yourself.

      ppss- Don’t let the lonely thing mess with your head. You will learn to use that time doing things that matter for YOURSELF. And over time you’ll grow protective over that. It actually does get pretty fun and is nice. Another confidence booster.

      pppsss- When you value yourself, you will learn and see how valuable your time is. Days, weeks, minutes...Seconds. Precious. All of it.

      happy  You can do it.



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