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I originally wrote this on myspace, but thought it needed to be shared here as well....  

18 years old.
The Army.
Germany, sent out to the field for the first time.
The only woman and 1500 men.
I was the Medic, they were Engineers.
Alone, in the dark being watched, only I didn’t know
Vilseck, Germany after two weeks without a shower, we were allowed to go to Tent city for 2 days.
Much Celebrating. Much Drinking. After showers the partying started.
I was invited.
A cute boy
free drinks
more drinks
Something wrong....
Room spinning
can’t walk
being carried
pass out
wake up
can’t move
tied up
can’t talk
gag in mouth
someone on me
wet between the legs
another body on me
another body
all night
over and over again
how many?
Don’t know
too many
over and over again
more laughter
in and out of conscience
how many?
could be twenty
could be a hundred
all ranks
all sizes
all ages
all penises
all thrusting
all sweating
lots of pain
smell of greasy tent
smell of booze
smell of tobacco
smell of man sweat
smell of semen
smell of sex
all thrusting
all groping
all squeezing
all pawing
only one, who when he saw my tears, stopped in his tracks
But he walked out, and another came in to take his place
over and over again
no help
none in sight
all night long
in and out of reality
in and out of dreams
more body’s
more men
more thrusting
how many hours?
finally the sweet release of awareness
in the showers
bruises and blood everywhere
oh my God the pain
all consuming pain
my clothing in a pile
water is cold
scrub some more
put on uniform
met at door, by commanding Officer
stern words about MY behavior
told if I talked, it would be MY fault
Threatened with prison for “enticing”
handed orders to be transfered
Told to pack my bags
Transportation waiting
Warned again
If you talk, you die
or worse
watching blindly as the trees roll by
curling up inside of me
hiding the pain
hoping the pain will fade
as the bruises do
can’t walk, can’t sit, can’t take a shit
blaming myself
Others have
so why not me?
it weighs on a mind
remembering what was said
silence it is my friend
lock the pain away
never talk they said
never talk I did
The pain it became my friend
To this day, it never ends.

This is the first time I have EVER written or spoken about that night. The ONLY reason I have after thirty years is, because it is STILL going on! What happened to me, happens to thousands of women in the military every year!  

1 in 3 women in the military have been raped.
Let me repeat that so it sinks in....  

1 in 3 women in the Military have been raped.  

I have learned through the years one must NEVER be silent when it comes to Rape and Abuse! otherwise it can (and does) happen again, and again.....  

Even though my rape took place over 25 years ago, because I only recently started to talk about it, I have been suffering from PTSD. By writing about it it has awoken emotions that I had managed to keep shoved down and under lock and key. I am very raw emotionally recently. I recognize that this is the first step to healing fully. Since I never opened up before, it has had time to fester and rot in my soul and I am lancing the boil of long over due emotions. They have been pouring out (and my poor family is having to deal with the brunt of it, even though they are innocent of any wrong doing.) Fortunately I have a wonderful husband who loves me and is understanding enough to help me cope.  

I am trying to deal with how it affected my life and the choices I made in partners because of the Rape and because I never talked about it. I have been in one abusive relationship after another (at least up to the last 11 years, that I have been happily married to my very caring and understanding husband).  

I have battled low self esteem and never connected that and the abusive relationships together with the rape. I never felt I deserved happiness or deserved to be treated like a human being.  

I am in a place now, where I am finally understanding that I DO deserve happiness, that I do Deserve a good relationship and that I am a women of worth!
But the healing process has made me have to relive everything and it is tearing me up....


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