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Recently I had a shocking exchange with a woman I’ve known for decades, a family friend. I shared with her a charming story about a little girl we both know, a delightful, free-spirited, bright five year old. The child commented on the difference between her genitals and her little brother’s: “My ‘gina is beautiful but that stuff he has is just silly.” (From the day he was born, she has looked for herself in him and found her eyes, her hair, her graceful long fingers and toes. Why would she not look when his diaper was being changed?)
I thought the remark was both funny—and a happy expression of her confidence in her physical self. No Freudian penis envy here! She is being raised by parents who have never subscribed to the theory that “boys are better.” Obviously no one has told her that “down there” is dark, ugly, shameful, bad, smelly. Her vagina, which has a proper name like nose and toes, is just a part of her; and all of her is beautiful—so why not this part?
The old family friend said, “Well, I don’t want to sound like a prude, but I can’t help but think someone has been telling her that her vagina is beautiful and something is wrong with that.”
The prude read a sexual reference into an innocent comment. To a five year old, vaginas and penises are pee-delivery systems. (And show me a five year old, boy or girl, who isn’t open about pee and poop.) This little girl was not talking about sex at all.
"You are a prude," i said to the woman, though I probably should not have said that, but she is.
I knew her when she was young, a pretty sexy wife who avidly desired her handsome husband. They put their little boys in front of the TV with dry cereal on weekend mornings and locked the bedroom door. A few decades later, they are devout Catholics who frown on premarital sex, extramarital sex, writing about sex, and the goddess knows what else to do with sex. They fully endorse the Pope who just went to AIDs-ravished Africa where he said condoms were not the answer, chastity is. I miss who they were, back in the days when she was on the pill and they often skipped mass on Sundays; and I wish they could have both, the mass and the sexy, open mind.
When the sexual brain shrivels into a hard and wrinkled thing, moisturizer is useless. Vaginal dryness is easily remedied. The prude attitude seems to be terminal, an indicator that death waits soon ahead, at least in the mind.
As a sex writer, I have often encountered that attitude, sometimes in the form of hate mail (delete, delete, delete). Sometimes it’s more subtle, like the email from another old friend who wrote, “I always thought you were better than the sex stuff. But they say you should write what you like.” I doubt she’s read anything I’ve written since I wrote for women’s magazines that she could thumb through in the dentist’s office. And sometimes it’s even more subtle than that. Educated, enlightened, well-traveled women often say in the most gently depricating and admonishing way: Sex isn’t that important anymore.
As there are degrees of Prude ‘Tude, there are several paths to getting there: The religiosty that overtakes so many Americans like a tsunammi. The prevelance (in spite of Hollywood role models and your neighborhood Cougar) of old-fashioned stereotypes denigrating the sexual appeal of women over 40 or 50 or 60. The general sex negativity permeating this culture that also holds up mothers—and grandmothers!—as virtuous when sexless (and preferably fat.) And no doubt, years of sexual frustration and disappointment.
The Prude “Tude is passed down from one generation of women to another. And it does great harm.
Why do so many women have trouble reaching orgasm during intercourse? They are embarrassed or ashamed to give themselves the additional clitoral stimulation they need to come. Yes, it’s that simple: They won’t touch themselves “down there“. Women are so reluctant to take that piece of sex advice that I created a technique, The Orgasm Loop, that helps any woman come, any time. That technique took four years to develop and test on 500 women. But it works.
So does your finger. Think about that.
I am proud of the books and SexyPrime, my blog which celebrates, supports and empowers female sexuality. Visit me at www.sexyprime.typepad.com And don’t let the Prude ‘Tude slither like Eve’s snake into your head.
i dunno.. maybe she is prudish because of other things.. not anything to do with midlife or anything..
for me? i love sex, do not see it as an evil thing, i find the human body to be beautiful..
but i have gotten tired of everything being ABOUT sex..
it is like.. everything has to be sexual for some odd reason.. nothing just beautiful.. and when it isnt being sexual.. vulgar(swearing) enters in the scene.. one curse word after another..
bah.. i explain myself badly..
the lil girl though was cute grins
like a comic i saw once where a lil boy and girl.. you could see their backs.. they had pulled open the front of their undies and the lil boy said to the girl ‘no you cannot touch mine, look what happened to yours’
(something like that)
Renee, good for you! I am always happy for someone who has claimed her pleasure.
When I started SexyPrime, I wanted it to be a place where women of all ages and sexual persuasions could come together—with no judgments. Fabulously40 also seems like the kind of place where women don’t judge one another, but reach out in understanding and support. Every now and then a guy pal sends me an excerpt from a social networking blog written by a young woman (I shall not name and shame her :) who cannot resist lecturing other women on how they handle their sex lives and relationships. I wonder why her readers keep writing to her and submitting themselves to her abusive replies.
I love the responses I get from all of you—and am happy to be part of such a diverse and interesting group of women.
Good blog! Prudes are quick to condemn others as perverts, but what they don’t realize is that prudism isn’t the opposite of perversion—prudism is a type of perversion!
MB
)O(
http://www.starbringergallery.com/
“We all come from the Goddess and to Her we shall return like a drop of rain flowing to the ocean.”—Z. Budapest
“‘If God is male, then the male is god.’ . . . if our only images of the sacred are male . . . inevitably women will be devalued.”—Starhawk quoting Mary Daly
Gosh.....go figure. I have a very fulfilling sex life with my husband. As it should be! Not only is it a wonderful and pleasureable activity but the closeness is just like nothing else.
I am glad to hear that!
Women have such great capacity for sexual pleasure. I love hearing from women who claim their pleasure, no matter how they do it.
Thanks for commenting,
S
Yes, it's that simple: They won't touch themselves "down there".
Wow. How true, I was one of those women. Now I have to start all over again, my last husband helped me overcome those “small issues” but now he’s in the wind.
http://crohns.net/Miva/education/articles/Medicinal_Mushrooms_and_Cancer.shtml
http://www.divaliciouscoffee.com
http://luke10-38-42.ning.com/
http://donnaesamujerdelaprudencia.blogspot.com/
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