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Hi God:
It’s me again.  Wow - you are going through some serious steps to get my attention right now, aren’t you?  It has become pretty clear that my life is not being lived for you....and that’s just not working for either of us, is it?

I heard a great quote on Oprah today.  She said “THY Will....not my will“.  That’s kind of the gist of all of this, isn’t it?  

I’ve been focusing all of my energy on how very ill I am.  I focus on all of the things that are WRONG and what I can do to fix them.  I ask you to show me your way....tell you I’m ready for you in my life....and yet....still remain focused on how bad I feel.  

Thursday and Friday I spent hooked up to machines at the hospital trying to find the source of this heart pain and shortness of breath.  I laughed with my husband, saying that people that work for me would argue my ability to have a heart attack, since I have no heart.  Doctors and specialists were puzzled, as they knew things were not normal but could not find the source nor the cause of the trouble.  They could all tell me what the trouble was (malfunction of the heart/chest area causing pain - duh!) but they couldn’t tell me the REASON.  What good is knowing the result without knowing the REASON?

So today, at work, I find myself wondering.  3 days after a weekend spent at cardiac care I’m at work left to wonder.  What am I doing to serve You?  Am I willing to surrender to your will and your ways?  Do I have the courage to be still and let the waters clear?

Maybe the pain and breathlessness that I’m feeling is from the emptiness.  Maybe it’s the hollowness of a life that isn’t being fully lived; a life without purpose or passion.  Perhaps the breathlessness is a form of suffocation or drowning.  I’m suffocating from the drudgery of my existence.  I’m so caught up in my own illness and the day to day happenings of my career, my family, and my life that I’m beginning to drown in the mundane - both literally and figuratively.

I’m starting to see snippets.  Just little hints, thoughts and intentions of where this could go.  The REASON behind the recent pain, suffering and dispair.  You do have a reason, don’t you?  You know what is in the path in front of me.  Where it leads and where it ends.  Which fork I’ll take and when I will stumble.  I just pray that I have the courage to follow the path wherever it might lead and to trust in your answers.  Please be patient with me, Father.  I know that trying to get these lessons through my thick skull is similar to beating an old mule with a 2×4.  But I also know that you will take a much gentler approach with me.

As Paul Young said in The Shack....I am especially fond of you!


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