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The Ultimate Betrayal

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
“the marriage doctors” and #1 Love and Marriage Experts on Google and Yahoo
Authors of the INDIE Book Awards Gold Medal Winner for “Best Relationship Book of 2008”
[Link Removed] 

It is not okay to cheat on the one you love and let's quit pretending that it is.  Enough is enough!  Character in love and marriage matters.

While we were driving to a television interview this morning we were listening to a local radio station.  They had on an "expert" (and we use that term very lightly) who said, and we quote, "The only real loser in all of this is Eliot Spitzer, the Governor of New York."  Imagine, a man cheats on his wife repeatedly and HE is the victim – he is the only loser?  Please, give us a break!  The victim in this whole sordid affair is his wife, Silda, and her three daughters.  Let's make no mistake about that.

There are many troubling aspects of this particular case of marital infidelity that bother us well beyond Mr. Spitzer's many encounters with a prostitute.  Perhaps the most egregious of all is his having the audacity to have his wife by his side as he declares his public shame for what he did.  Imagine, it was not enough that he brought shame on himself and his family, but he had to publicly humiliate his wife again by having her "stand by her man."  How sick is that?  How sick is it that in the name of politics he would subject his wife to this further humiliation?

Silda Spitzer was betrayed once by her husband's sordid affairs with prostitutes, again by the public humiliation of "standing by her man," and again by her having to look her daughters in their eyes to explain the shame and betrayal their father had brought upon the house of Spitzer.

Over the 25+ years of our research project on successful marriage, we have been reminded again and again that trust is at the very heart of all successful and long-lasting relationships between people who love each other.  In fact, we were so inspired by the words of these lovebirds about the importance of trust in their marriage that we wrote a chapter about the topic in our new book, Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage. We entitled the chapter "Character in Love and Marriage." We have also written several articles about this topic that you can find on the Internet.

The essence of our message is this – trust undergirds everything in a successful marriage and the violation of that trust – the betrayal of that trust – will, in the end, ruin most marriages that experience it.  Think about it, is there a worst sin that a spouse could commit than to betray the trust and the sacred honor of their marriage – of their relationship with the one they purport to love?  And the plain and simple fact is this – most marriages NEVER recover from this level of trauma to the relationship.

Don't kid yourself, when you make the decision to cheat on your spouse, you have made a decision that will almost always cause irreparable harm to your loving relationship – one from which your marriage and your family will never recover.

Contrary to what our aforementioned "expert" said on the radio this morning, the ones who are truly hurt by the actions of Governor Spitzer are his wife and his daughters. They experienced the ultimate betrayal.  They will probably never fully recover.

In life and love, the simple things matter, and the simple truth is, violating the most sacred of all trusts between two human beings who love each other is the ultimate betrayal.  Think about this before you cheat on your spouse, before you commit your love to another human being, and before you say "I do."

Character in marriage matters!


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Member Comments

    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Shari Tenner wrote Sep 19, 2008
    • Do you believe that internet relationships are a form of infidelity?



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    • +1 votes vote up vote up

      Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz wrote Sep 20, 2008
    • Slatrn,

      Yes, internet relationships are a form of infidelity because a marriage is based on trust.   No relationship can ever be the same if that trust is broken.  By engaging in an internet relationship you invest your intimate emotions and time into another person other than your spouse.  It alters the feelings you have for your spouse and cheats your spouse of that part of your emotional connection.  Just remember, infidelity is infidelity no matter what the form.

      Liz and Charley



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz wrote Sep 24, 2008
    • Slatern,

      The only way is to deal with it is directly.  There has to be a straight forward conversation about the reality of internet relationships and how they alter the relationship between the two of you.  Your feelings and the hurt you are experiencing have to be explained very carefully during the conversation.  There is no easy way around it.  

      Liz and Charley



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz wrote Oct 19, 2008
    • Slatrn,

      Sounds as if you might need to consider what next steps you are going to take with your relationship.  If your protests are continually met with more time invested into the internet relationship with someone else, it appears that the relationship between the two of you is not a healthy one.  It might be time to consider your alternatives, such as counseling, separation, or divorce.  The reality is that not all marriages can be saved.

      Liz and Charley



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Bobbi Bacha wrote Oct 19, 2008
    • Internet relationships may be a form of emotional infidelity but they are not legal infidelity.  Ive been to court on this very topic as a Private investigator many times and the court views it as a friendship and or fantasy, unless there has been proof of physical infidelity.  

      I am in no way saying its right to have internet relationships, friendships and or fantasies, but I am saying that legally in court, its not infidelity.  It does raise and eyebrow but other than that, its not proof and does not in anyway mean the same as physical infidelity.

      In my experience, most of these relationships are a cry for attention that somehow they are not getting or an outreach of some sort, again, Im not saying its right.

      In this day of technology, many chose to talk to strangers about topics they are fearful to do at home, and reach out, also, many view online conversations as harmless.  

      I think the degree of the relationship is the key.  Have they met, are they planning to meet, or are they just online friends ?  Also, does your husband have anyone of the opposite sex to sound off to, like a female friend or coworker ?  Im guessing not, and remember as humans we are allowed friendships, so determine the level of the online converstations, are they friendship, or something else.  

      I do agree that you should address this with your husband and ask him if it is a friendship or more, and why ?  Find out if they have met, or if its all just online conversation.  

      I do agree marriage is trust as its based on a promise of fidelity.  But promises are broken everyday as we have God given free will.  

      Find out how indepth or not this is before you react or take any actions.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mom2girls wrote Apr 10, 2009
    • My ex never really understood it when I told him that trust was an essential ingredient in our marriage. This is one of the reasons that he is now my ex. Another reason is that he cheated during our marriage; little did he know that he was not just cheating on our relationship, but also cheating on our children. The icing on the cake: he excused himself to his friends by claiming that I’d forgiven him for his behavior and now he only has God to answer to. Yet in reality I was not in the loop to any of this behavior! So, my heart was not only maimed by his infidelity, but also by the fact that he lied to me and others about his behavior!
      There are days I ask myself, how could I not have seen what was going on in our marriage...I have become stronger in the end...that what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Visionary wrote Apr 17, 2009
    • I am divorcing a clergyman with an internet pornography addiction.  When I discovered it one year ago, I was shocked, betrayed and YES, it was infidelity.  He had been online for years and was downloading films as well.  we went to marriage counseling, and the first thing the counselor said was, “you will not have a chance of earning  your wife’s trust until she sees you are TRULY sorry and understand her betrayal and loss.

      One year later, I am living in a fabulous apartment with my daughter, working at a job I love, surrounding myself with excellent family, friends and professional support and I know that leaving the marriage was absolutely right.  I am calmer, stronger and clearer than ever.  I hired a terrific lawyer and she and I are working together toward my goals.

      Good luck to the other women out there.  You can heal and grow.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Anonymous wrote Dec 3, 2009
    • my husband is addicted to porn



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Debbi Erbeck wrote Aug 8, 2010
    • my guy and I have had problems lately. I’d like to run this by the experts and any others reading this post.  sex in the mornings: he wakes up hard, thats a good thing except for that I dont get any foreplay out of it and its hard to go from 0 to 60 with no gas.  I’ve hinted, I’ve made comments, I’ve put his hand on mine by taking it off his, but he never wants to really so he just jumps ship after 35 seconds. you see, if he doesnt intercourse right away he just starts doing himself and that gets me upset. it seems as if he thinks im not interested, but i am interested in becoming interested. and there have been many times it goes his way or i will wake him up with oral sex, but 2 days ago he wakes up and my back is to him, so he nudges me with the thing, so i roll toward him. he just groans and then pushes at my hip to roll me back into position. so it happens but i am left feeling like I was an appliance, like plugging in the coffee pot in the morning.  so i say something about it that nite, he says i hurt his feelings. i’m wondering how i hurt his feelings when i was telling him about something that hurts my feelings. nevertheless, we snuggle and talk about making love in the morning.  morning comes and he wakes me by stroking my hair (once)and then down my arm. so i roll over and i begin taking my bra off cause i fell asleep with it on. by the time i am done, he is already doing it by himself, so i am just looking at him and he doesnt even acknowledge me. i finally shake my head and get up angry and go in the bathroom and shut the door. he knows i am upset as he gets ready to leave, but i tell him im not because he never wants to listen to what ive got to say if it is the least bit confrontational.  but i have to let him know cause its been a few months i have been patient with this issue. so i send him a text telling him that i need foreplay dammit and that i felt hurt that he wont touch me in the mornings. maybe he thinks i am a gremlin or something because of my bedhead.  i made sure i said that i was not mad and that i was hurt and needed to get that off my chest and ended with love and have a good day. he never answered back and then we did not speak last nite but he was sleeping. we just touched while sleeping.  maybe i should give up on morning sex with him altogether and i wont feel used or disappointed. does anyone out there relate to this?



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