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pic     What to do, what to do. He’s handsome, nice, loves cats, seems smart and conversational, is a fireman, and is not shy.

I’m so embroiled in my issues about men (fear of men, fear of rejection, fear of being an idiot, fear of losing my boundaries, fear of being hurt, fear of loving and losing again), I can’t even think straight.

So tonight I drove into the apartment driveway, got out of my car, was talking to his cat Sidney (his is an outdoor/indoor cat), when suddenly he roars in on his motorcycle. I try to get into my apartment as fast as possible, but before I make it to my door, I hear, “Can’t get Sidney to say hello?”

I must tell you, my Fab40 sisters, the tension in my body right now as I recount this encounter just a mere 20 minutes after it happened, all my muscles are in knots, my stomach is flipping like it’s on a trampolene, I can barely breathe, and I feel like bursting into tears that last forever.

Okay, so I got into my apartment, but then I heard him outside my door saying Sidney wants to meet me, so I opened my door and of course my cat Lexie was there (hissing), and then my bird Kirby started shrieking, so “Dave” (I think) wanted to see the bird, so he came in and saw the bird, and then left, and we chatted for a minute outside and he went home and I went inside and here I am, writing to you guys because I don’t know if I can do this again.

Even if it turns into nothing, I don’t know if I have the energy to find out. All my muscles ache and inside my head is nothing but dread, fear, sadness, need, lonliness, emptiness, and overwhelm.

I’m attracted to him, he seems to be my age, but this pain in my heart is causing such turmoil.

I know we’ve all here at Fab40 have had our share of heart-issues, good and bad. I just don’t know if I have the strength to even consider a relationship again. My life is in a state of chaos and confusion right now, and I can barely hold it together. What do I do if he calls?

Just needed to vent. Thank you for listening.




Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Victorious wrote Jul 30, 2010
    • Suzann...you are such a beautiful person. Don’t worry...take it one day at a time...Before you know it you will look back at today and smile.heartheartheart



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Schmidt wrote Jul 30, 2010
    • I agree, you are a beautiful person. Take a deep breath, center yourself (which I know you are very good at) focus on your new grandbaby and the things you know to be solid in your life. Ground yourself in the wonderful foundation you have created and if Dave continues to come around the power and control is all yours to let him get to know you as slowly or as quickly as you decide to do.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Suzann wrote Jul 30, 2010
    • Thank you, Victorious, for your kind words and advice. I will try to see past today, and try to see a bigger picture.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Suzann wrote Jul 30, 2010
    • Cynthia, I am hearing his footsteps above me as you speak. And yes, what you are saying is - and I like this - I can control the speed of any “friendship“, I can control my own boundaries. You‘re saying it’s not some random chaos thing up there, but rather it’s something I have complete control over. I’m taking a deep breath of gratitude.  

      My grandbaby is one big healthy, happy, confident, gregarious little tyke. I’m so grateful. Thank you, Cynthia for reminding me of this.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Denise Richardson wrote Jul 30, 2010
    • Suzann, you along with everyone in the world deserves to be happy and happy with someone, no one wants to be alone, love is a many splendered thing and you deserve to love and be loved, if you and this guy have a physical attraction let go of all your inhabitions and go for it, but take it slllllllllllllllowly! Keep your head on straight and don’t get caught up in the idea of knowing someone is interested in you. YES! you hold the cards and play them with strategy, you stay in control and know your limits. I wish you the best my friend.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Suzann wrote Jul 30, 2010
    • Thank you, dearest Neicy.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Lazylola wrote Jul 30, 2010
    • I’m scared too....I’ll just live vicariously through you.heart



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jo46 wrote Jul 30, 2010
    • Your feelings are real, you have life experiences, allow yourself to enjoy the moment.  It’s not suppose to be so complicated. I guess I am saying, just be yourself!  Don’t over analyze and  don’t look for hidden  meanings. Good luck!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Suzann wrote Jul 31, 2010
    • Lola, lol.  

      Jo, yes, I forgot the entire concept of enjoying the moment. You are so right about not over analyzing and making it more complicated than it need be. Thank you.

      Last night I got so sick, and I do believe it was because I’m totally over-thinking this, and totally writing all kinds of “scripts” in my head for how it might go.

      So this morning I’ve decided at least for now I need to let the whole thing alone and remember my own boundaries - and what Cynthia said: it’s not up to anyone else but me, how fast, slow, or not-at-all, this relationship progresses. For the moment I’m putting up my boundary and saying (to myself, and to Dave if need be) that I just broke up with my fiance in Texas of (don’t remember)4 years of being engaged. (4 or 5 years I think) and that I so need to be alone for a little while.  

      After making that decision, the sick feeling went away.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Cynthia Rowland wrote Aug 2, 2010
    • I understand what you mean. Suzann here to remind you....you are a wonderful person and do what you feel is right and remember we only live once happyheart



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Suzann wrote Aug 2, 2010
    • Thank you, Cynthia. I treasure your words.



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