Does it seem like you're always on the losing end of the power struggles in your relationship? Do you give in too easily, and then resent your spouse for what you've given up? You might already be aware of this, but built up resentment destroys all hope for a healthy, happy relationship. So, if you see the signs of control issues or a controlling spouse in your relationship, read this article.  Discover how you can turn the tide of resentment by building the trust you need to uncover outcomes that everyone will be satisfied with.  

Maybe you have what seems to be a very controlling husband or controlling wife. Do you try to hold your own for a while, but then get tired of all the fighting and just give up? Does all this giving up and giving in leave you feeling angry and resentful? Fortunately, there is a way to maintain your own personal power without all the fighting anger and resentment, and at the same time find solutions that are satisfying for everyone without anyone giving up or giving in.

First of all, it helps to realize that this cycle is very common. It happens when we believe:

• it’s impossible for everyone to get what they want,
• so I need to fight for what I get,
• because there’s really not enough to go around.

This kind of thinking is what causes the arguments and the resentment. It is why so many people seem to insist on getting their own way and have such a hard time listening to what’s important to anyone else.

We believe that true power comes from:
•Believing it’s possible for everyone to be satisfied,
•A commitment to meeting everyone’s needs, and
•The ability to negotiate instead of compromise.

That last point may seem confusing because most people consider negotiation and compromise to be the same thing. We believe these are as different as night and day—but will talk more about that later.  

If you alter your belief about what it takes to be powerful, and master the skill of negotiation, you will experience your relationship in a whole new way. In order to experience true power, we suggest you begin by adopting the mindset of an explorer. Two things are necessary to be an explorer: you first have to believe there is something worth discovering, and then you must be committed to discovering it.  

Columbus knew that India was the source of precious spices and other valuable goods, and he believed he could find a shorter route to the Indies. His belief and commitment gave him the courage to explore uncharted territory.
That’s what we mean by an exploring mindset: that you are committed to making discoveries intended to create satisfying results for everyone involved. You start with the belief that you can create results that are satisfying for everyone. This can give you the courage to explore different solutions whenever you‘re faced with a disagreement.  

The first step in doing this is to focus on values! The only way to achieve a solution that is satisfying for everyone is to discover what people value. But people’s values are often hidden behind the mask of their opinions and complaints.

Just like Columbus kept his focus on the western horizon, you navigate through your conversation while keeping your focus on mutually satisfying solutions, and your commitment to exploring everyone’s values.  

Discovering what everyone values can give you the clarity you need to negotiate strategies that will satisfy everyone involved.  

Negotiation vs. Compromise  

Now back to the difference between negotiation and compromise.  Will you take everyone’s needs into consideration? Will you keep at it until everyone is satisfied? Understanding the difference between negotiation and compromise plays a big part in being willing and able to stick with the exploration process until everyone is satisfied.  

Compromise results from an “Us Against Them” mindset. Compromise begins by identifying what everyone wants. Then you see who’s willing to give up parts of what they want until everyone can live with what’s left.  

This is caused by having your attention focused on lack, limitation, and fear. It’s based in the belief that there isn’t enough to go around, so you have to settle for whatever you can get. This is why people don’t want to compromise—they resent giving up on what’s important to them.  

Negotiation, on the other hand, is only possible when you have an explorer’s mindset. Negotiation begins by identifying what everyone values and what is missing for them in the situation. Then, with your attention focused on everyone’s values, strategies will emerge that make it possible for everyone to be satisfied, without any compromise needed.

Here are five steps for negotiating outcomes that can be satisfying for everyone.

Step 1  – Stay focused on what's most important to you and your spouse-- what you each value in the situation.  

Step 2 - Then come up with specific actions you each can take that will help you each experience your values – offer your opinion about what you want to see happen and the steps that need to be taken to get there.  

Step 3 - Review your new strategies and make sure they are completely agreeable for both of you. Identify what works and what doesn't work for each of you--see if there's anything missing in your plans. Remember, stay committed to finding strategies that will be mutually satisfying, and keep exploring until you find them.  

Step 4  - Make agreements about the actions you each will take to implement your plans. Make sure your agreements are very specific about who will do what, and when they will do it. Make sure these agreements will work for both of you before you move on to step five.

Step 5 - Create accountability for your agreements. You do this by setting up specific times for follow-up meetings. At these meetings you'll discuss how your agreements are going and the things that might be missing from the strategies you created. Without accountability, you can't know if the plan you put in place is actually working. If it's not working, resentment may have already built up by the time you haphazardly figure this out.

Of course, the accountability meeting presents another opportunity to practice being an explorer and negotiating outcomes that will be satisfying for everyone.  

Developing an explorer’s mindset and mastering the skill of negotiation doesn’t happen overnight. It takes a commitment to the process and a lot of practice. The more you practice, the better you will become, and the sooner you will experience true personal power. And the arguments, anger, and resentment will melt away.

Consider finding out more about how to maintain your own personal power in a relationship by learning more about this and other [Link Removed] 

This series has straight-forward advice for how you can immediately begin building healthy, happy relationships in every area of your life—without ever giving up anything.

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