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Usually I am not stuck for words nor have I ever had a problem with
writing...but lately I just can’t seem to get my thoughts and feelings
down in black and white. The only thing that comes to mind is that
perhaps having it down on paper forces me to see things the way they
really are. I have said time and time again that I hate being here...that
when I left here many years ago I never thought I would be back...but
for some reason or another here I am...contemplating my life...where it
is going and where I want it to be going...

I have come to the conclusion that my reasoning for hating it here and not
wanting to be here has nothing to do with geographics...but something
more deeper...something simple but yet complex...my reason is avoidance...
avoiding my past...and all it has to hold...my memories...my fears...my
resentments...

Since moving here I have let myself go...I mean in a real bad way...I have
been neglecting myself...in all ways...my physical...my emotional...my mental
and most of all my spiritual well-being have all been compromised...by me.
I am miserable...I am unhappy...I lack motivation...I have taken a step back
instead of a step forward...

But the good news is I have begun taking steps...baby steps...to try and
reciprocate all of this. I have begun to see a psychologist to help me through
my past issues...I am seeing a doctor to help me get back on my feet...and when
I say on my feet I mean literally...I know that it is not going to all
happen over night but it will...

I was sitting on my bed the other night and my daughter was sitting on a chair
in front of me...and she began to cry...I asked why she was crying...you know
what she said? she said...“I don’t want to lose you mom...I see you slowly deteriorating
and it scares me” Well that in itself scared the shit out of me...I began to cry
cause I knew what she meant...I knew that she was right...I knew that if I didn’t
do anything right now...I would end up a crippled old angry hurting old lady...
I could literally see myself there in a few years.

I have always been straight forth about myself...and I always believed that being
like this was my way of making things right...but I now realize that that is not
enough...I have so much work to do...and as hard as it is going to be...I am going
to do it...

I have many bad habits (copeing mechanism) and one of them is saying things are fine
when in reality they aren’t...I guess that comes from being always having to be
strong for everyone else...I don’t want to show weakness...just in case someone needs
me...but no more of that...from today on I am going to be honest with myself and
others...if I am having a shitty day...then so be it! I am having a shitty day...
I guess like everyone else I am entitled to those too...

Another bad habit of mine is to isolate myself when I find things too much to handle...
that too is also going to stop...cause I know that it only makes me feel worse and
it is not doing me any good...

I also plan on keeping up with my blog no matter what...even on those days when I am
finding it hard to put it into words...I will find a way...



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Coachmombabe wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • Wow, Karyn, you’ve had some powerful insights into yourself! Don’t look behind at what you feel you’ve lost, instead look ahead at what you are working towards, all the while appreciating who you and and what you have in this very moment.  

      How blessed you are to have a daughter who cares so deeply and can articulate so well her love for you!

      Please allow us to accompany you on this journey. I know I for one would consider it an honor!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Maria68 wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • Thanks for sharing your challenges. I also, have been in a place where some days suck and other days feels like the “first day of the rest of my life“.  

      I have found that writing at least 5 blessings in my gratitude journal everyday has helped me to focus on the positive things in my life.  

      Keep on loving up your daughter and give the world your best and the best will come back to you.

      Peace and Love.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Karyn Olson wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • Thank you for all your kind words and encouragement...It would be an honor to have yous on my side as I go along my journey...It is actually a relief knowing that I am not alone and that you are here with me...
      Sometimes it is hard to admit when things are not right for fearing of the unknown and that is what I have been fighting with...but I feel like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders...and I feel that I am ready...sending hugs to everyone....happy



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Inakika wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • We‘re always here for you, my dear. We are but a step away (from your computer) We never like to see a sister hurting. We all share in your pain. (((((Karyn and family)))))



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jomi wrote Jan 20, 2009
    • We are all here to support you!
      I’m proud of your daughter for saying something to you instead of holding it in.
      I’m proud of you for being honest and deciding to fight for yourself.
      Take care and keep us posted.
      Hugs!

      Life is about falling - Living is about getting backup.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mary Clark wrote Jan 21, 2009
    • Karyn....I’m going to add my thoughts to this as well.  I admire you for taking the necessary steps to being well.  It’s very hard to get to the point that you are and I commend you for achieving that.  Pat yourself on the back ....what great steps you have made.  happy

      Now I have been where you have been and it’s not a good place to be.  Not at all.  I have had 6 years of therapy and believe me I needed all six...but now...I am much wiser...and I can now cope with those things that do not always go my way or that are out of my control.  But I will tell you that I would not be where I am today without the strength of the Lord.  There is no way I would have survived if he had not been part of my life and a part of my healing.  Those days when you think you are at your lowest...I encourage you to pray to Him...I mean really talk to Him..mean it.  He already knows yours needs...he just wants you to come to Him and lean on Him...and trust in Him.  Your doctor...your daughter...this site...are all tools that He uses to help you.  But at the same time...God also gives you the freedom of choice...free will...and it’s up to you to do your part.  We don’t know why we go through some of the tough times that we do, but God never promised everything to be a bed of roses.  But it is during those tough times I feel it’s a test...to see how much we lean on Him ..and how much we trust in Him.  Just know that He loves you very deeply and he will always be there for you...during the good times...and during the bad times.
      Those days you don’t feel worth anything....and someone ask you how you feel or how you are doing...just say...today I’m not feeling too good about things...but you know...tomorrow is another day....I know I will be better tomorrow. I’m not saying to lie about how you feel ...just acknowledge it but don’t wallow in it. I know...I’ve done it..I’ve been there.
      Journaling or blogging, exercising....take long walks...praying....getting good rest...medication...and seeing your doctor all go hand in hand to make you better.
      You can’t do just one....they all work together.  

      Just know I’m here if you ever need to talk....and Karyn...

      HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY TODAY...IT‘S A NEW DAY.

      Your FAB40 friend...

      MaryClark



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Karyn Olson wrote Jan 21, 2009
    • Thank you so much everyone...It is such a great feeling to know that I have yous all with me on this...as good as it feels it is also a bit overwhelming...I have more support here from you my virtual sisters than I do with the people I see every day...that in itself is amazing...once again thank you...happy



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Jean Walter wrote Jan 21, 2009
    • Hi Karyn... I can’t add much more to all the terrific advice that you have been given. We all get down and out now and again but you seem to be on the right track..and you are smart enough to realize what you need to do...
      Hang in there and find comfort in knowing that you are not alone!
      Have a great day!
      ~jeanie



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Vikki Hall wrote Jan 21, 2009
    • Karyn hang in there and let us know when you need a hand at whatever.... We are here for you....

      (((((Karyn)))))



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Linni wrote Jan 21, 2009
    • Hey Karyn..

       WOW girl, do i KNOW what you are going through! i have been there many many times..you and i have been friends for a very long time, and have ” seen ” each other through many situations..thank goodness your daughter said what she did!

      NOW you are getting on the right path, and its ALL up from here! i am like you..” yes everything is fine ” and inside im just dying!

      Well NOT anymore..no more of closing off, keeping away from people! like you stated..when its a chitty day, i let folks know!

      Keep your head held high! Like Maryclark said.. God Loves you, and Hes waiting for you to call out to Him..  

      Know i love you and am here for you!
      Linni



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