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I love my mom.  Had to get that out there before I go off on this next tangent.
I have raised 2 grown boys, well, men now, and the hubby and I are enjoying our time alone. Not having to worry if we sleep in the buff or shut the bathroom door when we take a shower. Life is good on this side, but it took a long time to get here.
My mom doesn’t have a washer and dryer and about a year ago she asked if it was ok for her to do laundry at our house when necessary. I told her that was fine, I hate laundromats and I don’t want her to have to go there. She has her own key to my house and often stays here when we go out of town. I appreciate that cause I don’t like leaving my house unattended if possible. Unfortunately, she thinks it is perfectly acceptable to just come over whenever she wants. Most often without even a phone call. We lock the deadbolt (which she doesn’t have a key to) when we go to bed and since the hubby leaves so much earlier than me, he will deadbolt the door when he goes to work. He likes to make me safe :). Anyhoo, often before I even wake up in the morning, my doorbell is my new alarm clock. Again this morning, she woke me up. No call. At all.
I need to say something to her, but the last time we had even the smallest confrontation, she wouldn’t speak to me for months.  It’s interesting how childish she becomes when I excercise my need to be an adult.  I want to tell her that she needs to start caling before coming over and that if it’s to do laundry, she needs to call me the day before.  I just don’t know how to go about telling her in the most diplomatic way so as not to further damage this very brittle relationship.  Any thoughts?



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Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Julied61 wrote Sep 22, 2008
    • Well, just know you are not alone.  I think my mom is lonely and assumes we are always available, except she always wants us at her house.  Would it be easier to “assign” a laundry day for her so you both know when that will be?  Also would stop any already full washer/dryer conflicts.  I really don’t know how you can keep from hurting her feelings, if she is that sensitive, other than start out with positives: love you, thank you for house sitting, etc.  But if the dead bolt is locked, we aren’t available.
      I don’t know that we are ever ready for how demanding a parent can be.  I know they put up with us but you do kind of expect that with kids.  Mom was always the mom - kind of a shock to have it turned around.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Daisy Shkolnik wrote Sep 22, 2008
    • It’s tough when you have to face your mom.  Try approaching her in a setle way,  maybe the next time she comes over be sure to have laundry in the machine so she can’t do it.  Mention that it may be easier if she called the day before so she doesn’t have to wait for the machine again, as you would make sure it is ready for her clothes.  If the laundry room is a mess and she’s unable to use it when its convenient to her, she may think its a better idea for her to call so this situtation doesn’t happen again.  

      Although parents do feel their right to stop by whenever they’d like, let her know that you don’t want her to take it personally but you’d like your space too.  I feel that sometimes parents don’t even feel like there is anything wrong with dropping in whenever they’d like, since it has never appeared to be a problem & nothing has been mentioned before.

      good luck!



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Stephanie wrote Sep 22, 2008
    • I can imagine that this would be annoying when you have become so used to being without the kids, without interruptions, etc...at least she has yet to walk into the house while you and you husband are...uh humm.. or has she? lol

      I know this will be anything but easy to tell your own mom that she must call, but perhaps you can approach the situation by explaining to her that you get scared when the doorbell rings out of nowhere, and get anxiety.. I know it may sound crazy to you, but your mom may actually take into consideration that her not calling is stressing you out.

      If you tell her this, she may not seem to care at the time, however she may actually think to call next time she comes over to avoid “Stressing” you out... thoughts?



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Nani2l wrote Sep 22, 2008
    • Jesus Girl - everyone in my family has keys to each others homes.  For “emergency” situations.  But I would never just go to someones home and let myself in.  Not even to moms house. And I would call before I went to someones home. I think it’s only fair that I get the same respect I give.  And I’m sure she was inconvenienced by me plenty growing up.  But I’m 42 years old now and you surely cant be implying that those days should be held over my head?  It can’t possbly give her carte blanche to come and go as she pleases.  There’s no way that’s right.
      Thanks for your input.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Nani2l wrote Sep 22, 2008
    • I’m trying to work it all out in my mind before I talk to her.  It really is like walking through a mine field with her.  And to be quite honest, she already has, we’ll just call it, uncomfortable relationships with my brothers.  We put the “dis” in disfunctional, trust me.  I’ll put my foot down, but I just dread it.  With a capital “D“.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Nani2l wrote Sep 22, 2008
    • Oh and she has no room for a washer dryer in her apt - but they do have the facilities downstairs.  An actual laundry room!!  She just won’t use them cause she says she’s worried that they are dirty.  *sigh



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Nani2l wrote Sep 22, 2008
    • that is ironic.  thanks for the good thoughts.  i’ll let ya know how it turns out.  unless she spanks me and punishes me cause then i probably wont be allowed to use the computer(lol).



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Kristine McDavid wrote Sep 22, 2008
    • Instead of approaching it, like  you are telling her she has to do  something.  Approach it as if you are asking her.  Say, Mom can you please do me a favor and call before you come over to do the laundry?  Last time you came over, (insert your husband’s name here) was walking around the house in his drawers right before you walked in.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Runnergirl40 wrote Sep 22, 2008
    • You‘re definitely not alone.  I bought my own house 2 years and my parents were helping me out with painting, cleaning, etc. and they had keys to come and go as they pleased.  I was very grateful for all their help.  My mother though has no idea about boundaries.  She called one day to let me she was leaving some things for me on my back porch.  When i got home apparently my mother decided instead to make herself at home and just came in with the key she still had.  I told her I didn’t appreciate it and that she needed to let me know ahead of time when she planned to come over.  I told her that what if she had walked in on me in a compromising position and considering its my house tha ti pay the mortgage on - i can do as i please.  Granted they helped me out but that doesn’t mean it gives you the right to come and go as you still please.  I still call my parents up before I go visit them to make sure they‘re home and would never just waltz into their home without letting them ahead of time I was doing so.  If you‘re mother can’t accept that you‘re adult and its your house - that’s on her.  I realize she’s your family but it is your home and you have the right to the privacy you want in it.



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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Runnergirl40 wrote Sep 22, 2008
    • I just read your response that your mom’s apt. building has washer/dryers in the basement of the building but wont use them cuz they might be dirty - really now - i know she’s helped you out by staying at your house, etc. but this is just crazy.  Take the key back and tell her to use the facilities that are just hop, skip, jump down the stairs of her own building.  She’s just as controlling as my mom and trust me - i nipped it in the bud right away - she didn’t like it much but guess what - i didn’t care - again its my house, not hers - get your privacy back.



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