Several years ago, I had a much-needed get together with my closest women friends.  I'm a natural born nurturer (raised Catholic) so when you walk in, you start getting taken care of.  It's something I do to make up for what I didn't get enough of as a child.  That's the beauty of being an adult.  

This taking care of others is a fine line between martyr and saint so you have to be careful.  I'm a generous person.  I'm a giver.  The downside to this (as every good side has) is that I can give with an invoice.  You better appreciate what I've done or I'll store things up, like little bee stings that can turn into full blown allergic reactions.  I'll feel taken advantage of.  I'll feel taken for granted.

At some point, I'm capable of exploding and it isn't pretty.  But I never explode to my friends...my husband becomes the "safe target".  He just hates this about me.

I digress.  My favorite women friends invited over for my favorite fall meal—country beef ribs and garlic-mashed potatoes.

My good friend Renee calls me the night before in a dither.  Would I mind if she brought the main course?  I ask her why.  She says with hesitancy that she would like to bring a friend of hers.  I said, "Sure, the more the merrier."  She then says, "Well, my friend is a Vegan and you really can't have any kind of meat anywhere in sight.  She'll leave if she sees it."

Living in Boulder can be a big pain in the ass I will tell you.  There's vegetarians.  That's fine.  That's simple.  But then there's dairy intolerant, gluten intolerant, wheat intolerant (yes there is a difference), sugar intolerant, soy intolerant, and now this...A Vegan.

I take a deep breath and say, "Renee, what is going on here?  I don't know this woman.   I'm happy to have her in my home...but I'm not going to tiptoe around her.  I can give up the country beef ribs, but I was planning on serving a salmon appetizer.  Is that considered meat?"

Renee exclaims with great concern, "Oh Mary, you just really can't have any kind of fish in sight.  Trust me, it just won't work for her!  I'm going to make a wonderful main dish, side dishes,a kick-ass dessert and WINE, lots and lots of wine."

I did find it a little nervy for Renee to be telling me what kind of protein I could have in my home, but being in a nicey nicey mood I said yes (the bees are beginning to sting).

However, wine was my weakness and that cinched the deal.

Vegan Valerie comes and DOMINATES the entire evening espousing the importance of veganism and all its virtues.  She was the Christian born again version of the salvation and redemption of vegetables.  No one could get a word in edgewise.  Like her, the food was bland.

As she was blathering on and on, I was secretly salivating for a slab of bacon.

I asked her what restaurants she likes to go to in Boulder as there are some fine vegetarian restaurants.  I quickly learned that there is a BIG difference between vegetarian and vegan restaurants!   Vegan Diva yells loudly,  "NONE!"

Curious, I ask, "Oh, are there no vegan restaurants in Boulder?  That's hard to believe."

She responds in a matter of fact way, "There's a couple.  But part of being a vegan just isn't about what you eat.  It's about knowing the INTENTION of the person that prepares and cooks the food.  Since my husband and I don't know the moods or the intentions of the chefs as they are preparing the food, we don't go out."

I was speechless (a rare phenomenon).  I could feel the bee stings swelling up...I could feel the rash developing, the hyperventilating, the difficulty breathing.  

Since I'm a trained professional, I remained calm.   I couldn't wait for the evening to end.  

I had sudden cravings for buffalo wings dipped in blue cheese dressing.  

I wanted to self-medicate with salami.

The end of this story? I'm not making this up.  Renee recently told me that Vegan Valerie left her husband, ran off with a Texas cowboy and now eats steak on a regular basis.