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It would be really smart if nobody reads this, as it promises to be a mean, nasty and vicious rant.  If I don’t get this anger, hurt, frustration and annoyance out of my head somehow, I’m going to explode.  Sometimes just writing thougts down is enough to keep from blowing up and doing irreversable damage to myself or my marriage.  

I walked into my house today and immediately started getting pawed.  I HATE getting pawed.  A back and leg rub was’d think that would be a good thing, right?  Not so much.  The problem is that a back rub doesn’t come without strings attached.  I would kill for a backrub that was not considered foreplay.  

To further set the stage....I worked 11 hours today....ran home to fix youngest child’s hair and get ready for a choir concert....ran him to school....came home to pick up husband and older son....and during all that time my boobs were ass was nether regions were poked....oh yeah - that’s some serious romance for ya!  

Then it’s off to the choir concert and then home for the last 45 minutes of American Idol (how could Kris have won?  I demand a recount)and then it’s....are you ready for offer of a backrub.  Awwww - that is so sweet.  He must know how much I hurt and how crappy and crabby I feel.  So my response is....okay - if it’s JUST a backrub, that would be GREAT!  But I’m not up for anything else.  As he’s trying to rip my panties off I tell him I’m serious...I really don’t want to do it.  Please don’t pout but I just don’t want to.  The anger that I saw on his face was unbelievable and almost scary.  He said he doesn’t understand why I never want to have sex.  I say I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal.  He storm out saying he must be old, ugly and unattractive....SLAM.

Old?  Yes.  Ugly?  No.  Unattractive?  When he’s trying to pressure me into doing something I don’t want to do?  Hell Yes.  Do I “never want sex“?  Pretty much.  I have little to no interest.  It’s nothing new.  I’ve been that way for about 15 years.  We’ve been married for 16 years.  Think there’s a correlation?

I am so angry at him so much of the time that I just don’t understand how I could feel any way BUT unromantic.  We have a deal...he takes care of the house...I take care of the working.  I do my part.  He doesn’t do his part.  Unfortunately, I’m so afraid of confrontation with him that I just bite back my anger and frustration and choose to suffer in silence instead of just telling him how I feel.  What a woos.

I’m so afraid of hurting his feelings or making him angry.  He acts like he’s about 80 years old.  He’s 67.  Everything he does he hurts his back or pulls his neck or....has a heart attack (not really)....poops blood (gross)....has a stroke....So he can’t do the dishes or cook dinner or mow the lawn....GRRRRRRRRR.  

When I was 27 and he was 50, our age difference didn’t seem like such a big deal.  Yes, he was froma  different generation, but he was going to save me.  He was going to rescue me and take care of me.  Right?  What happened???

Now I’m 44 and married to a really old guy that is lazy and feels entitled to spend my money, use my body, and make me feel used, abused and taken advantage of.  And I’m not supposed to say “no“?  How can I be anything but old and bitter and dried out?  

I can justify all of this.  I can come up with logical reasons for having a non-existent libido (long hours/high stress at work/physical illness/crazy hormones/recent hysterectomy/menopause/).  I can come up with plenty of excuses for the way he does his share around here (different generation/different priorities/he doesn’t feel good/he doesn’t notice/he doesn’t know how to clean).  I can come up with lots of things about how he’s so great.  He doesn’t hit me.  he doesn’t cheat on me.  He does do the laundry.  Is that enough???

How long will I waste my life making excuses for him, for me or for our relationship?  How long will I justify to myself the reasons why I have sex when I really don’t want to.  How many more years will I spend tearing myself up inside for not standing up for myself?

How did this become my life?  When did I agree to settle for less than I deserve?


Member Comments

    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Mjmurphy wrote May 21, 2009
    • Girl, I think you should just take the dive  and do what you really want to do. I read a previous post about your fibromyalgia (can’t spell, pardon). I think we have a lot in common, besides the disease...I have a real hard time just making the changes I want and know I need to make, because I am super responsible, even when no one else it...because I don’t want to hurt other people, even when it’s killing me.

      When I say dive, I don’t know if you really want to leave him or to have some real change in your relationship. Either way, dive and do it, you won’t be sorry. Life is just too short to be suffering.  

      I recently moved and gave up the job that was killing me. I have taken a pay cut but I couldn’t be happier with the reduction in stress and working for a company that values me as a person. In addition, I moved to a nice little town and am closer to my daughter so I can spend more time with the people I really want to be near rather than working 60 hours a week.  

      Hope you get it sorted out.

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    • 0 votes vote up vote up

      Queenbee wrote May 22, 2009
    • Wow Ms. Murphy:
      I admire and envy your strength!  Very impressive!

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